


Throughout Time

by ThePirateQueenAngel



Series: Throughout Time and Associated Stories [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Elvhenan, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blood, Can you really blame her though, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Dark Cullen, Elvhenan, Emotional Baggage, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Forbidden Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lavellan has trust issues, M/M, Modern Thedas, Multi, Non-Canonical Character Death, Other, Past Lives, Reincarnation, Slow Burn, Smut, Stalking, Texting, True Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2018-10-18 20:56:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 47,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10625001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePirateQueenAngel/pseuds/ThePirateQueenAngel
Summary: Ellana Lavellan is cursed. Cursed throughout time to relive her past lives through dreams, her past sins and deeds, past friendships with the same people in every cycle, and above all else, the tragedy of her love life. Burdened with the knowledge that she has been doomed to love and lose the same man, her soulmate. The God who's life she ended, shattering her own heart in the process. She's lived many lives without him since then, until he shows up in her studio.When Solas meets Ellana, he's thrown off by how he feels about a particular painting in her gallery, and the strange ways of Ellana herself. But that night is when the dreams start, dreams of her and of himself in far-off lands of long ago. He can't stop thinking about her, but what will happen when he learns her darkest truth, or his own?





	1. See

**Author's Note:**

> Inquisition up through the Trespasser DLC is *mostly* canon-compliant, but what comes after is AU. 
> 
> Includes flashbacks of several pasts, text messages between Solas and Ell, and their story is told in both POV.
> 
> I'll try to update weekly, maybe more!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana spends the night drinking with Dorian, and is late for a meeting with a client.

"I just happen to believe you deserve better, Ellana'as Isene Lavellan."

"Who are you my Keeper?" Ellana giggled, far along on her way to being blessedly drunk. " I can't remember the last time I heard my full name, why did I tell you that?"

"You were mesmerized by my devilish good looks and charming wit, just like everyone else. I can't say I blame you though, I am a delight."

She rolled her eyes and leaned back in her spot on the couch as Dorian stood up to get more drinks from the kitchen of his uptown loft. If only she could tell Dorian how many times they've done this, this banter, this drinking the night away together. Be it in an ancient Elvhen fortress, numerous camps across the wilderness of Thedas, even Palaces in Orlais.

Her oldest, and most loyal companion, in every life. Yet he could still never know. She smiled sadly, shaking her head to snap out of her thoughts. She was uncharacteristically nostalgic today.

"Oh is that how you landed my cousin?" She teased, sadness from before now gone.

Yes there was that-", he took a moment to think before continuing, "-among other things." He winked at her around the corner, before turning back toward the fridge.

Ellana wrinkled her nose at the thought of her cousin with her best friend, before shaking her head.

"You're not changing the subject on me so easily, you know." Dorian chastised her, returning to the living room.

She sighed, throwing up her hands in defeat. "Fine, fine. What is so wrong with Cullen then?"

_This isn't my first tryst with Cullen Rutherford, this version just came out strangely more... troubled than previous incarnations. Not that I can tell you that._

"You mean besides the lyrium addiction or how he looks at you like you're a possession instead of a person?"

"He's a _recovering_ lyrium addict, and wow, someone's been waiting to use those." She raised an eyebrow at Dorian. "But you don't need to worry, I don't see a future full of fat grandchildren with the handsome ex-templar."

_Or with anyone, really. Not since..._

"Truly?"

"Yes Dorian, he just happens to live next door and be exceedingly good looking _and_  more than just a little good in bed." she waggled her brows to the Tevinter.

"Well I suppose if it's all for the sake of some fun, I can stop bothering you about it." He said, still unsure if he believed her or not. "Now, let's talk about me."

"Well we did stray from your favorite topic for at least 10 minutes, I thought Mahanon would be joining us?"

 

* * *

 

 

Ellana ran her middle finger underneath both of her eyes, wiping the remnants of last nights make-up from her face while juggling her phone and the giant overpriced coffee in her other hand. 

"One of these days, you will master this adulthood thing, Ellana." She muttered to herself as she rushed down the street toward her apartment/art studio, bundled in her coat against the early morning chill in the city air.

She was most definitely not a morning person, but on this particular morning even less so. A night of being forced to "blow off some steam like other nice people our age" by her well-meaning best friend Dorian, starting with dinner and drinks, followed by more drinks and idle chat, followed by an hour of sleep before waking up and dragging herself out of his apartment, almost late for a meeting, all while cursing her friend's name.

She sighed to herself while fishing her keys out of her bag, she only had a few minutes to herself to straighten up before Varric arrived with a prospective client who was supposedly some major art patron,  wealthy enough to keep the artist stocked in paints and good liquor for many years, if he liked her work.

Walking into the studio, she stopped in front of a mirror to check on the damage from her hangover and if it was fixable. Fortunately she was keeping most of it internal more than on her face, which was a blessing. She smoothed down her hair as best she could, before shrugging off her coat and hanging it on the rack. 

Killing time while she waited, she wandered through the room running her fingers over her most recent works, unsure if she was satisfied with any of them. It was going to be one of  _those_ days.

She loved to paint, and to take pictures. It was what she would argue to the ends of Thedas that she was best at. Translating all of her emotions onto canvas or film, made her feel more alive and complete than almost anything else did anymore. Ellana knew she was lucky to be able to earn a living doing what made her heart sing. By all accounts she should be a much happier elf, a fact which Dorian and many of her other friends spent so much time reminding her of.  

And yet.

If only they knew. When you remembered all of your past lives like Ellana did, when you know how everything inevitably ends, you find it a lot harder to find happiness. Or to even want to find it, in her case. 

It's also much harder to keep your mind in-tact.

When she was younger before the memories returned, she had a hard time coping with life, without ever really knowing the reason why. She dealt with all of her problems with lyrium or alcohol, hanging out with the "bad" teenagers of the clan while being an absolute terror to raise. But now, she was dealing with everything much better. Therapy sessions with her icy psychologist, friends to help keep her out of her own head, and a steady relationship with alcohol.  _Okay, so maybe dealing marginally better._

Three sharp knocks pulled Ellana from her thoughts, wincing slightly from the sound, she took a deep breath before opening the door while rubbing her eyes.

"Ellana! How are you, Freck- woah, you look like death." 

 She rolled her eyes, not bothering to look at her guests and turned back toward the studio, leaving the door open for them to come inside. "Yes, well Varric, you can blame Dorian for that, I know I do." She walked over to the small kitchen connected to her studio, and started to run some water for tea.

"Can I offer you gentlemen some tea?" She called over her shoulder, "or maybe Varric, you wouldn't mind introducing me to your friend? Or even closing the door you left open?" Ellana reached up to a cabinet above for a teapot.

"Shit, sorry Freckles." He waved his hand in the general direction of the elvhen man who followed him in, as he walked toward the front door. "This is-"

"My name is Solas, if there are to be introductions."

 

The teapot landed on the ground, with a crash.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short, but bear with me because I already have the next 4 or 5 chapters ready to post! Thanks for reading :)
> 
> For anyone interested, I listen to a playlist on repeat while writing these.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/hannahbradway/playlist/3mQMv9tES29zYACCZEpz41?si=iYrFH6gnSNSpbdhBlvBqOg
> 
> For all the music that inspires this story (and the titles).


	2. Familiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana struggles to deal with the visitor to her studio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the posting delay, I've been so busy ._.

_No. It can't be. No no no no._

Ellana took a deep shuddering breath, not wanting to turn around. Not wanting to see what her heart already knew to be truth. **He was here.** She would know that voice anywhere, in any lifetime. The smooth cadence of his speech, memories of loving words and soft sighs spoken in the dark times of their love.

 She laughed nervously, looking down toward the shattered remnants of the teapot. "Fenehdis, it was my favorite one too." She lamented as she lowered to the ground to clean up the mess.

_What do I do? I can't look at him. I don't think I could bear it. It's been.. such a long time._

"Ellana?" She looked up at Varric, who's eyebrow was raised in concern for her. "Are you sure you're okay?"

 "Yes Varric, I'm peachy. Aside from the loss of my favorite teapot." She gave him a quick smile, still not able to turn and acknowledge the other guest. "I think I just need a moment," she called out to no one in particular, "feel free to look around, all the works in this room are for sale, I'll just uhh, be right back."

She practically ran into the bathroom, ignoring the whispers of the men behind her. Shutting the door behind her, she sunk down to the floor, slender arms around her knees.

"Okay Ellana, you can do this. It's only been five hundred years." She sighed as her head bounced back against the door. "He wouldn't remember anyway."

 

* * *

 

 

 "Are you sure she's alright, Mr. Tethras?" The elvhen man spoke, confused about what had just happened.

"Freckles? Yeah, I'm sure she's fine. A little too attached to a teapot maybe, but she'll be okay."

Solas nodded his head slightly in acknowledgement, before turning to take a look at the room full of her art. What he saw nearly took his breath away.

"There must be at least 20 pieces in this room alone, she's quite talented."

"She really is, puts a lot of her heart and soul into it. Anything in particular catch your eye?"

He walked through the gallery, taking a moment to look over each painting. Such unique styles of work, no two were similar to any other. But there was one that spoke to him above the rest.

He stopped in front of a large frame, filled with what might have been plaster. A fresco painted in an old style with bold alluring colors, the sheer size of it alone was stunning.  

A great black wolf with ruby red eyes sat off to the side of the image staring toward a fortress tucked into a snowy mountain range, the fortress itself was on fire, the brilliant colors of it swirling through a twilight sky. On the bridge leading out from the fortress, there was an exquisitely detailed elven woman, bundled in what looked like furs over mages battle robes, walking away from the ruined castle.

The woman herself looked hauntingly sad, and it wasn't clear if she was walking toward the wolf, or away from everything.

 He hadn't realized how long he'd been staring at the painting, until he was stirred from his thoughts by a door shutting behind him. He turned to the noise, and saw Ellana standing frozen and wide-eyed, just outside the bathroom door. Varric was nowhere to be found, he hadn't even noticed the dwarf leave.

She must have noticed that she was staring, as she cleared her throat and looked away from him, walking back toward the mess she had made before.

"Do you see anything you like, sir?" She spoke, turned away from him as she tossed the pile into the trash.

_Why won't she look at me?_

He turned back toward the painting with his hands clasped behind his back, and made a small hum of acknowledgement.

"This one is remarkable. But a question, if I may?"

"What is it?" She spoke as walked toward the painting until she was standing at his side, staring at the image with him. 

"The woman here-", he pointed toward where she stood in the painting, "-was she walking toward the wolf? Or away from everything? I cannot decide what I think."

He turned to look at her then, and she smiled almost sadly at her work. "That's the question I often asked myself, as well."

"You do not know?" He asked, his voice melodic in its pattern. 

"I thought I did, once." She turned to look at him, with the same sad smile on her face. Her eyes seemed to be searching his face for something. " But now I'm not so sure."

* * *

 

 

_Of course he would take an interest in that one._

How could looking at him still cause her so much pain? As if everything that happened was fresh in her heart and in her mind, and not hundreds of years ago.

Ellana couldn't wrap her mind around the idea that he was even here, thinking it must be some cruel joke the universe was playing on her. Any moment now she would wake up, her meeting would be with Varric and some other person, and she would still be in a world where he didn't exist, another life without him. As she'd lived so many times before.

She needed to wake up.

But the Universe was not that kind, Ellana knew that.

He was real, truly here, and not just living in her dreams. She sighed, "I'm sorry Solas, but this one isn't for sale." She looked up at him, trying to keep the emotion from her eyes. "It's too dear to my heart to part with."

 "I see." He spoke in the scholarly voice that made her heart hurt, "Disappointing, but I understand."

He looked to the painting again, "It is quite powerful, I don't know why-" He shook his head slightly, "-it's almost... familiar?".

_Of course it is, it's you._ She wanted to say. 

"How strange, it's one of the few in this room I've never shown, only Varric and a few others have ever seen it." She said, "and now you."

Solas smiled at her, "an honor, truly."

They drifted into silence, all that could be heard was the ticking of a clock, and murmurs coming from outside of Varric on the phone. Ellana struggled to speak, she found herself both not wanting to know anything about the man in front of her, and wanting to know everything. What if he wasn't anything like he was? What if he was exactly the same? She couldn't decide which she thought would be worse.

"So how do you know Varric?", she blurted out lamely, no longer able to deal with the awkward silence.

Solas seemed relieved as well for the change, "I come from a family in love with art, he used to procure pieces for my mother. She recommended him years ago, and we've become something like friends over that time. He speaks highly of you."

_They've known each other for years. How many times have I come close to running into you?_

She could laugh at that, because of course they knew each other. Trapped as they were, in an eternal recycling of the same relationships, that even he would find himself in. Is that how it has always been? Even after.. how it ended the last time? She had convinced herself that he had ceased to exist.

She smiled at that, "Varric speaks highly of anyone who earns him as much money as I do."

"You are very talented, I'm surprised I've never seen your work before."

"I've only been here for a few years," she spoke while making more tea, carefully this time. "Mostly I deal through Varric for private collectors. Tea?"

He scrunched up his nose, and she almost laughed at him. "No, thank you. I-"

"Detest the stuff?" She teased, trying not to laugh.

_Same old Solas._

He looked at her strangely, a small smile on his face. "How did you know?"

Ellana's mouth snapped shut, how did she know?

"There you are, Freckles!" Varric threw open the door, " you okay?"

Ellana smiled at the dwarf, "everything's fine, Varric."

"Good, good. Well Solas, if you're ready we should get going. We gotta get across town in half an hour."

"Of course, Master Tethras."

"Ellana, you'll be at Hawke's next Friday right?" Varric asked, pointing at her.

"Do you really think she'd let me miss it?" Ellana teased, eyebrow arched.

Varric bellowed a laugh at that, "no, I don't suppose she would. See you then, Freckles."

"Dareth Shiral, Varric." She turned then to Solas, who was shrugging into his coat. "It was nice to meet you, Solas." She handed him a business card, her name and phone number were scrawled in elegant script across the front surrounded by an elvhen design.

"If you'd like another look, or have more questions, feel free to give me a call."

_Please don't, feel free to pretend I don't exist._

She smiled at him, their fingers brushed as she handed him the card. With the touch, the familiar feel of his magic against her own made her draw in a sharp breath, which she cleverly hid with a cough.

Solas tilted his head in acknowledgement, apparently feeling nothing that she did when they had touched. Ellana didn't know whether to be happy or heartbroken. Probably a bit of both.

"Thank you, Ellana Lavellan. Goodbye." He spoke as he hurried out the door.

Out of her life, again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make Ellana be colder to Solas, but she just would not cooperate with me, so I settled for indifferent.  
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Eolaselan'mah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas dreams of a long-lost land, and wakes up wondering what it could mean.

_"You should not be here."_

_The beautiful elvhen woman spoke quietly, not bothering to open her eyes in reaction to the man who had interrupted her meditation._

_Only one would dare enter this hallowed place uninvited, and from the stormy aura that was emanating from him, there was no mistaking the mood he was in._

_"I care not for where I should or shouldn't be, only that you broke your promise, Ellana'as." His voice dripped privilege and reprimand, as if he was speaking to a child who had misbehaved._

_He stalked into the great chamber of a temple, gilded statues of intricate dragons draped in gold and ivy, lush greenery weaved its way across walls and high ceilings. The temple was a grand display of decadence, as was the woman in front of him. Her silky raven hair almost touched the floor upon which she sat, skin like moonlight wrapped in a dress of crimson silk, adorned in all the finery befitting her station. She was a breath of fresh air in his tired existence, a drop of vibrance and chaos in Mythal's sea of peaceful sheep._

_A wolf, like him._

_The woman shook her head as she laughed, it was a dark enchanting sound, elaborate curls and braids spilling down her back as she moved to stand. "Who are you to speak of broken promises, Fen'Harel?"_

_Her own aura pushed back against his own, and she finally looked up at him through dark lashes, her face an achingly beautiful yet emotionless mask, only her voice betrayed how she truly felt._

_H_ e _yearned to pull her against his body, to feel her soft, pale skin, warm against his own. To kiss her breathless like he had so many times before, to claim what should be his, but wasn't._

 

_But his pride would not allow that._

 

_His face darkened, a cold reminder of the man- the God he was to the the rest of Elvhenan. But never was to her._

_"I do what is necessary for the People, I thought you of all people would understand that, Eolaselan'mah."  He spoke to her, coldly._

_"Necessary? What you propose is folly, and will doom us all. They will not get far in their plans, as you will not. Why must you fight this?" She drew closer to him as she spoke, almost close enough that if he reached out she could be in his arms. "Your actions will kill us, and our way of life. would you see me dead, ma'lath? Or kidnapped by your kin, as I undoubtedly would be?" She grew colder, and angrier as she spoke to him._

_"I would make such a great prize for the Keeper of Secrets, do you think he would treat me with the same respect as Mythal does? I do not. Or maybe The Huntress might make some twisted use of me, or what's left of my body when she has tired of my sight, you know how much she loves her trophies."_

_He interrupted, "now you are being cruel for the sake of it, vhenan'ara."_

_"Tel'abelas. It is the truth, you know as well as I. Or would you have me marked in your image instead? The Seer of the mighty Dread Wolf, who felled Elvhenan in his arrogance-"_

_"ENOUGH." He bellowed as his eyes glowed in rage and his aura became an immense pressure, that seemed to suck all the air from the temple. "Why do you torment me so? I would never let anyone harm you, they would die trying."_

_She scoffed at him, "you would do anything to protect this cesspool that is Elvhenan, even if the price to be paid was rivers of the blood that runs through my veins."_

_He looked at her in disbelief, before damning his pride and reaching for her face. Her eyes closed and he melted into his touch. He tilted her chin up to look at her, "do you truly think so little of the love I feel for you?"_

_She stared into his eyes, in a way that set his blood on fire. As if she could see into his soul and down to the very depths of his love, but it was never enough. "I know that you love me, as I do you. But will it be enough to survive what we both know is coming?" ~~~~_

_A tear ran down her face as she spoke the words, and he brushed a knuckle across her cheek to catch it, before leaning in to crush her into his kiss. A kiss that was all passion and possession, as if it would be their last. He devoured her like the wolf within demanded he do, claiming it's mate, the only being worth his love. The only thing that mattered equally to both the man and the wolf. A love worth anything that might happen next._

_The heavy temple doors were thrown open with a resounding boom, and-_

* * *

 

 

Solas woke up drenched in sweat with his heart racing, and shot upward. "What was that?" He touched his fingers to his lips.

He remembered so much of what he'd seen, in the most vivid dream he'd had in his life. He could feel the thoughts and the many emotions of the man in the scene that played out for him in vibrant detail. He could remember sounds, smells, the way the woman tasted on his tongue. As if he had been there himself, and it had him shaken to his very core.

_The woman was obviously Ellana Lavellan, but what had his dream-self called her? Ellana'as? Who was he supposed to be? She had called him Fen'Harel, THE Fen'Harel?_

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and moved to get out of his bed. His head was spinning trying to make sense of what he had seen, had he eaten something funny? He'd only had one cocktail earlier in the evening with Varric, so it wasn't a result of drink. Was he getting ill? He grabbed his phone off the side table and checked the time.

The bright screen flashed **3:11 AM**  which was seared into his eyes, that were used to the pitch black of night. No longer able to sleep he wandered into his study, thinking maybe he could just get an extremely early start to his day.

A small card caught his eye as he turned on the lights.

 

> _Ellana Lavellan_
> 
> _Painter/Photgrapher_

 

It was printed in delicate Elvhen script, with her email and phone numbers on the back.

 

 As soon as he read her name, images from his dream flashed through his thoughts. The look on the face of dream-Ellana, of love and of determination burned into his mind. 

"Why did I dream of you?" He said so softly, it almost couldn't be heard.

He thought of sending her a text message, before he drove himself insane replaying the dream over and over in his mind.

But what would he say to her?

'Hello, I dreamed of you and I in love thousands of years ago, I know that it's 3 AM, but would you like to chat?'

He rolled his eyes at himself. Why was this so difficult? He should wait until a more decent hour to disturb her anyway, surely she was asleep. Wasn't she?

The worst that could happen would be her not responding for a few hours, possibly not at all. What was the harm in sending a message?

He reached for his phone, letting his words flow across the brightly lit screen.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for how short the chapters are, I want to focus on smaller chapters with more frequent posts for this fic. I'm kind of driving myself crazy with the lengths of my other ones. Thank you for reading!
> 
> Elvhen translations from the lovely Project Elvhen by FenxShiral
> 
> eolaselan'mah - oracle, prophet, seer  
> Tel'abelas- I'm not sorry  
> Vhenan'ara- heart's desire  
> thanks for reading!


	4. Nightowl

Ellana stared at the canvas in front of her, mouth twisted into a grimace. She had been working on the same piece for weeks, definitely not one of her favorites, but she rarely left one unfinished.

The sounds of a TV on low were the only noises in her apartment, some horrible reality show about spoiled Orlesian teenagers and their meaningless problems, but she could never stomach working in silence. Especially not tonight, while the events of the day were too fresh in her mind. 

She tried to convince herself that she was too inspired to sleep, even though the piece in front of her was not reflecting that fact. She checked the time while pouring herself another drink,  **3:33 AM**. 

She let out a long-suffering sigh, it was looking likely that she was pulling another all-nighter. Cullen would be getting home from his shift soon, and she would inevitably be receiving a call from him. 

_Why have I not cut him off yet? This Cullen who was so different from all the ones that have come before._

She knew the reason though, knew the man behind the problems. She was waiting for him to be for her who he always was in all of her lives, her comfort.

She knew it was wrong, using him like that. But sometimes he was all that kept her sane, made the knowing worthwhile. How selfish was it for her to want to give up on him now, when he never had for her?

She was sipping her fresh drink when her phone buzzed in the pocket of her jeans. She rolled her eyes, "like clockwork, Cullen Rutherford."

She wiped her hands on a rag, and fished her phone from her pocket.

_[Unknown][3:37 AM]-_

_Ellana?_

 

She stared at the message, not sure who the number belonged to.

 

_[You][3:38 AM]-_

_I_ _n the flesh. Who's this?_

 

The minutes seemed to tick by as she stared at her phone, watching the dots that indicated typing repeat themselves across her screen.

She had almost given up on a response, going back to staring blankly at her canvas when another buzz grabbed her attention.

_[Unknown][3:46 AM]-_

_It is amusing that you should answer that way._

_It's Solas, from this morning in your studio._

 

All the breath left her in a rush, she stared at the words, her hands trembling slightly. Why was he awake so late?

 She didn't know what to say.

A rare thing for Ellana, words usually came easily to her. Too many words, and they were usually sarcastic. 

 

_[You][3:49 AM]-_

_How'd u get my number? It's late_

 

 _[Solas][3:50_ _AM]-_

_Or it's early, depending on how you see it._

_You gave me your card when I left._

_I_ _apologize if I've interrupted your sleep._

 

She should have brushed him off, telling him that he did, or that he shouldn't be texting her so late. But she couldn't. The idea that she could speak to him after so long was just too enticing.

 

_[You][3:52 AM]-_

_Oh, of course._

_Sorry, I forgot._

_U didn't interrupt anything, I'm just working_

 

_[Solas][3:53 AM]-_

_On something new?_

_I find myself unable to stop thinking of the work I saw earlier, or yesterday I suppose._

_It was haunting, in a good way._

 

She found herself smiling at his words, happy that even if he didn't remember truly, the past still affected him, even if it was subconsciously.

 

_[You][3:53 AM]-_

_That's my goal of course, to haunt people with my art_

_I'm happy to know I've succeeded_

 

_[Solas][3:54 AM]-_

_You're funny._

 

_[You][3:54 AM]-_

_I try_

 

The time was passing by again, with no response from Solas. Maybe she had been too sarcastic? Then again it was late, maybe he had fallen asleep. She tried to contain the strange image in her mind of him falling asleep, cellphone in hand with her name across the screen. The last time she had seen him was well before the age of technology.

_[You][4:01 AM]-_

_Did you fall asleep?_

_It is pretty late, I guess I'm just used to the hour_

 

She bit her lower lip as her finger hovered over the 'send' button. With a deep sigh, the message whirred away and she was left hoping that he wouldn't respond, or maybe that he would.

 

_[Solas][4:03 AM]-_

_No, I do not think I could sleep more tonight, I guess I just don't know what to say._

 

_[You][4:03 AM]-_

_Well... why did u text me in the first place?_

 

_[Solas][4:04 AM]-_

_It will seem strange, I'm sure._

_I'd rather not discuss it anymore._

_What is your newest painting of?_

 

She brushed off his cryptic response, not letting her curiosity get the best of her.

_[You][4:06 AM]-_

_I'm really not even sure, at the moment it's a work of disappointment_

 

_[Solas][4:07 AM]-_

_Artists are always their own harshest critics, the good ones at least._

 

_[You][4:07 AM]-_

_Are you suggesting that I'm a good artist?_

 

She was ready to kick herself for how much she was enjoying the conversation. Surely he had better things to do than text her at four in the morning. 

 

_[Solas][4:09 AM]-_

_I was declaring it._

_It was not a subject for debate._

 

Ellana almost tossed her phone right out the window, her heart was beating rapidly and she stared wide-eyed at the screen for what seemed like hours, not sure of how she should reply. If she was smart she would stop this now, before it could turn into anything. Nothing good could come out of this- whatever it was. She surely didn't deserve a happy ending, not with him anyway, after what she had done. 

What they both had done.

But could this really be a coincidence? Meeting him for the first time in ages? There were hundreds of years separating them from their pasts, and for him to show up so suddenly in her life...

 

But Ellana was never smart when it came to Solas.

 

_[You][4:11 AM]-_

_Hmm_

_I think you're sleep deprived._

_It's far too early in the am to make a girl blush u know_

 

_[Solas][4:12 AM]-_

_I do not need sleep deprivation to tell someone the truth, da'len_

 

She snorted loudly at the endearment, unable to stop the short bust of laughter as she read the message. 

_[You][4:13 AM]-_

_da'len?_

  _how much older than me do u think u are_

_& besides, maybe you just aren't deprived enough to tell me why you messaged me_

_don't think u dodged that so easily, hahren_

 

Okay, so maybe it was Ellana who was the sleep deprived one.

But now she wanted to see exactly how far she could push him. She chewed on her thumb nail, with a smile on her face as she watched the '. . .' of his reply.

 

_[Solas][4:16 AM]-_

_I dreamt of you._

 

 If his previous replies had made her heart beat faster, this one sent it up into her throat. 

She was interrupted from her momentary panic-attack by a loud knock at her door. She dropped her phone into the crevices of the couch she had somehow ended up on, and padded over to a rack before shrugging into a robe so she could answer the door.

"Ellllllanna, I know you're awake." A loud, and possibly drunk voice spoke to her through the door.

Her eyes narrowed, and she paused with her fingers on the door knob, letting out a frustrated groan. 

Ready to open the door and throttle her late-night visitor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really undecided on the texting format, I'll probably change it again, I tried it in so many different ways.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	5. The Lion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Slightly NSFW*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you think I would make things so easy for Solas?
> 
> I think it's time to introduce someone into the mix :^)
> 
>  
> 
> Smut is my eternal writing weak spot, pls be gentle with me, I'm trying.

"Do you teach recruits to tell time in Templar school? Or do you simply spend your days teaching them to wave around weapons and do whatever they please?" Ellana spoke coldly to Cullen, one hand on the door and the other on her hip as she stood in the door frame, looking up with narrowed eyes at the man.

He reached for her then, looking smug as she didn't pull away. "I know that it's late, but I've missed you." He pulled himself against her as he spoke low, his hand drifting from it's spot on her waist to ghost across her ribs, "I missed the way you feel."

Ellana closed her eyes against the sensation, shuddering as his hand continued its journey up her body.

He didn't miss the movement, and he chuckled at his effect on her, as his hand slid behind her neck and he balled up a fist in her long hair, pulling gently to tilt her eyes to his. "Tell me you didn't miss me too."

She stared into his eyes, why was she so turned on by the sound of his voice? It was like sex, velvet brushing against bare skin.

She artfully avoided the question, because right now her mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of someone else. "Do you really think this is working for you, Cullen?"

He chuckled again, but lower this time as he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Oh it seems to be, can I come in?"

She let out a huff of air at his closeness, the feel of his breath against the point of her ear, the smell of the liquor on his breath. "You're drunk." She said simply, voice flat as she stared off to the side of where he stood in her door way.

He stepped back from her slightly, so he could see her as he spoke. "I'm sorry, me and Blackwall-"

She laughed, but it was an empty sound.

"Of course, you and Blackwall went to the Herald's Rest to blow off steam after your long, grueling day of training recruits."

"Ellana-"

She was tired of him showing up at her door drunk or high, some excuse on his lips of the gravity of his day. It was always something with this Cullen Rutherford, and it was never something good.

But, she thought, did it really matter? Wasn't she using him for the same things he was here for? The comfort of someone being there, sometime to make the loneliness of mere existence bearable? She knew that what he did was taxing on his mind, on his soul. It was not leading her troops against the Elder One, but this world had it's own demons. Was it really so fair of her to judge him?

 She sighed, as he looked over at her with golden eyes, slightly hooded from drink, and stepped to the side, holding the door open for him.

He followed her into the loft, and she picked up her forgotten drink from the table near her work space.

"I'd offer you a drink, but I fear you've had enough."

She took a sip from her glass as she leaned against the wall, watching Cullen collapse onto the couch in front of her.

"Meredith has us running the recruits into the ground, Ellana. I fear that the skirmishes near the Tevinter border may turn into something more."

She stared at him thoughtfully, he really did seem bothered. "Is that really a Templar issue?"

"There's been political pressure from the new Divine, since Tevinter forces possess mages more than actual soldiers." He trailed off, his hand over his face. "We are more equipped to deal with the threat than Ferelden or Marcher soldiers. So we may be used more on the front lines than we have been in a very long time. I just don't want them going in unprepared."

_Well. This took a turn, I'm an asshole._

"I'm sorry Cullen, I know how seriously you take your job, their safety. It's been a long day is all."

She moved to sit on the spot he wasn't occupying on her couch, plopping down with little grace. They sat in companionable silence for a time, occupied by their own thoughts.

"Want to talk about it?"

She laughed, trailing off into silence again before answering. "That is the _last_ thing I want to do right now. Just a very strange day, it'll be better tomorrow."

As she spoke he leaned over, his head dropping to her shoulder. His arm draped around her shoulders and wrapped her in an embrace. She felt more calm than she had all day, but it was followed by a thick blanket of guilt. He nuzzled into the crook of her neck, breathing into her hair.

"Or I could find a way to help your day improve right now."

"Cullen..."

He cut her off with a kiss, his lips enveloping hers in wet warmth, his tongue gently probing for entry into her mouth as his fingers slid down her stomach to undo the knot at the front of her thin robe.

 

_Felasil, Ellana._

 

She melted into his kiss, failing to suppress her growing need to stop thinking and just feel. He deepened the kiss and easily shifted her slender frame onto his own, placing her on his lap and sliding her robe down from her shoulders, until it was on the floor.

"My perfect Ellana..." He sighed, trying not break the kiss before lifting her shirt over her head.

When he had her bare from the waist up, he stared at her form draped across his, eyes now hooded in lust more than from drink, before leaning in to close the space between them, roughly taking one of her nipples into his mouth.

She groaned and threw back her head, dark hair spilling down her back. He gently circled her nipple with his tongue, one hand at the small of her back while the other palmed her ass. 

She was lost now. Lost to the sensation of his mouth on her, to the feel of his large human body under hers. Until it was no longer enough.

She shifted forward then, feeling him hard through where she was seated on top of him. Cullen released his exquisite assault on her breasts with a growl, and lowered her mouth to his in a searing kiss while she struggled to undo the buttons of his uniform.

She must have been taking too long for him to endure, as he grabbed both her hands in one of his, and flipped her onto her back. He kissed her again roughly, before standing to remove his shirt, she moaned softly, pleadingly, at the loss of him. Before he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

She let out a yelp that turned into a laugh as he carried her through her loft and into her bedroom, tossing her gently onto her bed.

She leaned up on her elbows, staring at the perfection of his form, thanking whatever Gods existed for the physical perfection of the Ferelden man in front of her.

"See something you like, Lavellan?"

She bit down on her lower lip, helplessly failing to hid how much she liked when he used his 'Commander voice'.

 

He stalked toward her then, and the name at the front of her mind along with all thoughts of guilt, disappeared.

 

* * *

 

 

Ellana woke to the bright daylight from her window. Her large hazel eyes squinting against the sun, trying to adjust to the waking world.

She had stayed up far too late once again, she thought as she glanced at the naked body next to hers, and made one of the  _s_ _tupid_  choices that often present themselves at such hours.

She grimaced at the memories of the night before, not because the sensations themselves were unpleasant, because they never were in the moment. But all the guilt that she had let go of only hours ago was back, with a vengeance.

Cullen was fast asleep, his body sprawled haphazardly across her sheets, covered by a blanket across his lower half. One arm lay trapped under Ellana's back, the other across his face.

She gingerly removed herself from her bed, trying her hardest to leave the man asleep, and padded across her bedroom to the closet.

She slipped into a soft white t-shirt and shimmied into a pair of underwear, before silently making her way out of the room, and shut the door as quietly as she could, setting out to make the coffee she so desperately needed.

While standing in her kitchen waiting for the pot to brew, she mindlessly ran her fingers through her hair, wincing as she undid knots from the night before.

 

_I dreamt of you._

 

Her eyes flew open at the sudden remembrance of the text she received before she had been interrupted by Cullen, and the conversation from the night before came flooding back.

"Stupid, supid, stupid.." She scolded herself as she ran across her apartment, what had she done with her phone?

She scrambled around her living room, scattering throw pillows across the room in her assault, digging through the cushions of her couch until she found it. Had he been texting her? Or did he assume she had slept and leave her to her rest, now forgotten?

She tucked one leg under her body as she sat on the disheveled couch staring at the silver device, her teeth worriedly chewing the inside of her lip, before manning up and turning on the screen.

_[Solas][4:26 AM]-_

_Did you fall asleep?_

_I apologize if I offended._

_Peaceful dreams, Ellana._

 

She groaned, fluent yet unintelligible strings of Elvish flying out of her mouth as she ran a hand down her face.

It was too early for this. She should leave it alone, leave him alone.

And yet.

She couldn't stop her fingers from typing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never claimed Ellana made good decisions.
> 
> Elven Translations, FenxShiral, ProjectElvhen  
> Felasil- Idiot
> 
>  On a (slightly) serious note, I welcome all constructive criticism or opinions on this work, I love improving any way I can, and your comments help me do that!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting almost 300 hits in a week :,D  
> Thanks to all who have left kudos and comments or even just clicked the title because you thought it sounded cool, it's very appreciated and makes me so happy!

 

"Everyone is waiting for you in the conference room, Sir."

Solas glanced toward his assistant, a short smile passed across his face, fading as quickly as it had appeared.

"Thank you, Josephine."

He went back to staring out the large window of his office, mindlessly staring at the clouds outside. Unable to stop thinking of his conversation from early this morning, or the woman he had it with. The woman of his dreams- in the literal sense.

She had been all wit and teasing, until he had mentioned her appearance in his dream. Then he had been left to wonder at her silence for the rest of his morning. Had she fallen asleep? Had he made her uncomfortable at the idea?

He had only known her for a day, perhaps he was too forward in mentioning it.

He shook his head, he was being ridiculous, and didn't know why it was bothering him so much. She would text him back if she wanted to, and if she didn't...

What if she didn't? 

He found himself unable to get her off of his mind.

 He looked back at his computer, and to the numerous web pages he had opened in his earlier search.

 _Theneras._ A waking dream, one so powerful it is as if you are awake.

He had to do a bit of digging to find accounts of dreams such as the one he had last night, but once he had come across the word, his search had become easier.

It wasn't common, not in the slightest, but there were a number of accounts of people across Thedas who had experienced similar phenomenon.

Why couldn't he let it go? Solas had always considered his dreams to be vivid, he couldn't recall the last time he had trouble remembering them upon waking.

But this.

To dream like a memory, something that he had experienced as if he lived it..

It felt important.

He had also done some research into Fen'Harel, as silly as it had felt to do so.

He may be an elf, but he had never put much thought into the ancient superstitions of the gods who had come before. He had spent the early hours of the morning researching the god who had been labeled as the trickster, as well as several of the others. 

Solas found himself fascinated, lost in a deep spiral into the lore of the past. Each search  had led him farther down a hole he had spent his entire morning falling into.

There was just  **so** much, but at the same time not enough. Anything more than folk stories only still told by the Dalish, or small entries from old historians across several websites.

As soon as he had hit the conspiracy websites, he knew his search was proving to be for nothing. Website names that made him scoff as he scrolled down the search history.

 

> _Elvhenan: Fairytale or history?_
> 
> _Man claims to wake up from centuries-long sleep, VRN has the story..._
> 
> _Uthenara, and the true tale of the last of the Elvhen..._
> 
> _Our ancestors are still among us, and they are disappointed..._
> 
>  

He had sifted through pages of results like those, conspiracy nuts who believed the immortal elves still walked among Thedas, hidden from our view or recognition. Religious zealots who believed the Creators are still trapped in the sky like in the old tales, and it's only a matter of time before they escape and save all of elf-kind from their hundreds upon hundreds of years spent in persecution and poverty. Complete nonsense, and after spending far too long going through it, Solas felt ridiculous.

He was closing all of his tabs and preparing to leave for his meeting when his phone buzzed where it lie on his desk.

_[Ellana Lavellan][1:36 PM]-_

_Im so srry Solas_

_I did fall asleep this morning_

He found himself absently smiling at his screen, she had texted him back. He wasn't expecting her to, though he had hoped. He glanced at the clock with a disappointed frown, now his meeting seemed even more painful to walk into.

_[You][1:37]-_

_What timing you have, da'len._

_I was just stepping out for a meeting._

_I trust you slept well?_

He knew he couldn't keep the board waiting much longer, the simpering fools would never let him forget it. 

While normally he wouldn't care, he needed this merger to go through. It was too important to the company to put off, or he would have shoved the responsibility onto one of his subordinates.

After seveal minutes she still had not replied, and he couldn't put it off any longer. He typed her out a quick message, and left his phone in it's place on his desk. It would give him something to look forward to.

* * *

 

  _[Solas][1:46 PM]-_

_As much as I am dreading it, I must leave for this meeting._

_I look forward to speaking to you after, Ellana._

 

"Dreading." She snickered, feeling far too giddy at the promise of speaking to him again. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor of her kitchen, large mug of coffee off to one side as she found herself wondering what he did in this life, what business occupied his time. She knew he wouldn't be replying to her for some time, so she didn't rush off a reply. She wouldn't want him to think she had nothing better to do, after all.

But what did he mean by dreaming of her?

"What's so funny?" A voice called to her from behind. She looked up to see Cullen, still shirtless, standing in the archway off to her side.

She gave him a sheepish smile, feeling like a child who got caught doing something naughty. "Oh just Hawke, I'm meeting her later to help her find a dress for her Satinalia party. I think she's nervous about it, which is ridiculous. She looks great in everything and despite her overwhelming ability for inappropriate sarcasm, everyone loves her."

It wasn't exactly a lie. She was meeting Lily for shopping, and she did find her friend ridiculous and sarcastic, just a few of the many reasons she loved her.

What she wasn't so sure about is why she lied to Cullen about the text message, they weren't together, not in any deep, committed sense. Solas and her certainly weren't anything, a few harmless texts between new acquaintances.

Yep, definitely not anything more than that.

Innocent, really.

She powered off the screen before standing to pour Cullen some coffee, reaching on her tip toes for another mug.

"I didn't even hear you come in, did you sleep well?" She asked cheerfully, holding out the mug to him.

"Always better when you're there", he mused quietly, accepting the cup from her and leaning against the counter. "So you'll be there, next Friday?"

"Not as if I have much of a choice, you know her stubbornness matches my own. I will be dragged, kicking and screaming to enjoy loud music, among people I don't much like, and other general young adult revelry." She sighed fondly, "easier for everyone if I just show up there myself."

"And if we were to..." he cleared his throat, and grabbed at the back of his neck with his free hand, "show up together, maybe?" He nervously added, "unless you'd rather not, it's fine."

_Dammit._

She would always be amazed at how he could be so confident and commanding at times, but simply asking her to go to a party _together_ that they were both already going to anyway, made him turn into a shy, adorable mess. She hated adorable Cullen, he made her feel all the feelings that she didn't want to have.

Gross, sugary emotions, that had no place in her life.

"Cullen..-" She started, before he cut her off.

"I know what you're going to say, Ellana. What you always say when I bring up becoming something- I don't know, more, more than neighbors who somehow end up in bed together every few weeks."

She sighed, muttering "you're the one who shows up at my door at 3 am" under her breath.

 When he leveled her with a look that she knew meant she was being childish, she looked away from his gaze, busying her fingers by cutting up an apple.

"I can't Cullen. You know that, I'm sorry."

She couldn't gather the courage to look at him again, but the deep sigh told her everything she needed to know.

"Can't or won't, Ell?"

She placed her palms flat on the counter top, taking a steadying breath while she stared up at the ceiling.

That was the question, wasn't it?

The question that would most likely lead to awkward silences in the elevator, avoiding each other in the hall, making shitty excuses to not see mutual friends if they knew the other was going to be there.

She hated awkwardness, the idea of it drove her up the wall. She had enough complications in her life, she didn't want to tip toe around a person who was central in most of her already limited social circles. Circle. Everyone knew one another, and she would never hear the end of it.

"Cullen, does it really need to be all or nothing?" She asked him, finally able to look at him. "You knew what this was, when it started."

A long period of tense silence, she felt trapped, and didn't know how to make it stop.

"I need to get ready to leave to meet Lily..."

She knew it was a cop out, and so did he. But she couldn't deal with this right now.

He searched her eyes for a moment, before clearing his throat, the look on his face telling her that he didn't like what he found. "I'll let myself out, just think about it Ellana, hmm?"

She just nodded at him silently, unable to say anything more, and went back to mindlessly chopping the stupid fruit that she didn't even want.

As soon as she heard her front door click, she dropped the knife and stormed out of the kitchen, a tornado of emotion as she stalked through her home.

"Fuck."

This was not how she was expecting her day to go. Why did it feel like everything in her life was just getting more complicated?


	7. Our love is a ghost, that others can't see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More introductions, some shopping and have I mentioned yet how bad I am at chapter summaries?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> Sorry about the delay in posting, it might have something to do with my 60+ hours I've put into Persona 5.  
> But I am back and ready to update more frequently, I hope. :)

"Why don't you just set him free then, Ell?" She heard Lily's muffled voice ask her through the spaces in the rack of dresses they were currently sifting through, in one of Ellana's favorite shops downtown. Far, far away from her current problems.

Ellana scoffed. "Excuse me? How long did it take you to do the same to Fenris?" 

"Ouch." Lily chuckled at her, but the look on her face was more embarrassed than amused. " _N_ _ot_ the same thing, and you know it." Lily and Fenris had a whirlwind romance that had shocked all of their friends at the start, Fenris not usually one to show any kind of emotion other than surly. No one really knew how or why they had ended, only that it had taken ages to get them both in the same place after that. Ellana had once managed to get a half-explanation from her friend after getting her very drunk, and even that just amounted to 'we just dragged it out too long trying to make us work, even though we were just too different'. It was the only thing Ellana had ever known Hawke to be vague about, so she stopped trying to learn anything else about it.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." Ellana threw her head back with a whine, "it just wasn't supposed to become this complicated."

 "Sex is never supposed to be complicated, babe. People just make it that way. What do you think of this one?"

Ellana looked up at her friend, who was holding up a long, midnight blue dress, against herself, one arm thrown out to the side as if she were on display.

"Varric will love it, if that's what has you so uncharacteristically worried about your outfit." She wiggled her eyebrows, while Lily just blinked at her, her normally wide lavender eyes narrowing at the accusation masked as teasing.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." 

"Lily Hawke, Let's stop pretending that you've ever looked bad in anything in the history of our friendship and get to the real issue." She glared at her friend, with no real menace behind it. "How long are you two going to dance around each other? He's obviously crazy about you. In his own very 'Varric' way, of course."

 

If Ellana had to choose one thing out of her many lifetimes that exasperated her to no end, it might have been the fact that Varric and Hawke never ceased to amaze her at how long it took them to admit their feelings. They were destined to love one another, if either of them could stop being stubborn long enough to realize it. 

Which was like asking the sun to stop shining, or some other equally impossible thing.

 

Lily opened her mouth so say something, before shutting it, and shaking her head. "We're friends, Ellana."

She smiled knowingly, "we'll see."

Her teasing earned her an eye roll, as Lily thrust the gap in the clothing rack shut in her face, before sauntering off toward the dressing rooms.

"I'm going to try it on, have fun with your man problems, _alone_." She waved over her shoulder, leaving Ellana alone to browse for an outfit of her own. She laughed at her friends bluster, Lily Hawke could never stay mad at her, especially when she knows she was right. As she continued to rifle through her options, she really did need something new to wear, she felt the vibration of the phone in her back pocket, and a thrill traveled through her body.

_[Solas][5:36 PM]-_

_I am sorry for my hasty departure from our earlier conversation._

_I am thoroughly exhausted by people._

_Stuck all morning in dreadful meetings, bored halfway to the Fade._

_But I am ranting, I apologize._

_It has been a trying day._

 

Ellana smiled down at her phone, wishing she could hear his tone of voice as he ranted. She used to love the way he would get quietly irritated by things he deemed beneath his attention, seemingly so easily, no one else ever noticed the change in his demeanor though, only Ellana. He was ever the mild-tempered scholar with everyone else, only Ellana saw under the mask. She remembered one time, she had pointed it out to him and it made his nose scrunch up in the most _adorable_ way. 

 

  _[You][5:38 PM]-_

_lol_

_rant away, Solas_

_One day I might tell you about the dreadfully boring client who commissions me to paint him fruit_

_Just one piece of fruit per canvas_

_he has the personality of  a doorknob_

_[Solas][5:40 PM]-_

_What does he do with all of his portraits of fruit?_

_Are they painted on small or large canvas?_

_I have so many questions, da'len._

 

 

_[You][5:43 PM]-_

_I asked him that once_

_He avoided it, horribly_

_I do have a few theories tho_

 

_[Solas][5:46 PM]-_

_I am intrigued._

_A lover who has an obsession with fruit?_

_Or maybe, he uses his fruit commissions as an excuse to see you._

 

_[You][5:48 PM]-_

_Ha!_

_You might be close tho_

_My theories, either he gives them as gifts to different lovers._

_(I can't tell u who he is, but it would make you laugh)_

_My other theory is that he has a home somewhere, with walls filled with my fruit portraits._

 

"You're talking about the fruit guy again?", Ellana started at the sound of the voice coming from just over her shoulder, and turned her head to see Lily looking at her phone. 

"Fenehdis, Lily! I didn't even know you were there!" She glared at her friend, closing the screen and lowering her phone down to her side. The last thing she needed was to give Lily a reason to make fun of her, she would never let the topic go, if she knew about Solas. 

"Too busy grinning at texts from whoever it is you're talking to, I suppose." Lily looked at her with false-innocence as she spoke, batting her eyelashes. Ellana rolled her eyes, trying not to bristle at being caught after only just going over her current problems with Cullen. Why did she feel the need to hide him from her anyway? They were just talking about normal things, definitely not flirting. As she was about to speak, her phone buzzed again, and Lily's eyes darted to it. She smiled, and snatched the phone from Ellana, and backed away a few steps to read her texts.

 

Damned Rogue.

 

Ellana's eyes widened, and she started toward her friend trying to snatch back the device, why did humans have to have such long arms? 

"Really Lily, how old are you?" Ellana snapped after giving up her pointless assault on the woman, they looked ridiculous fighting like children in the middle of a boutique. Fighting her on would just make her want to read them even more, anyway.

"Who's Solas, Ellana?" Lily asked her absently, still scrolling through up through their texts, looking more and more interested the further she read.

She schooled her face to remain blank, even though she was bursting to talk about him.

"He's a friend of Varric's, an art patron. He was interested in checking out a few of my pieces a few days ago." Ellana said simply, holding out her hand for the device. "May I have my phone back now that you have read through my entire chat history?"

"Are you sure your art is the only thing he was interested in checking out?" She said, raising an eyebrow.   Maker's sake, Ell. He  _dreamt_ of you." Lily was obviously excited to tease her friend, and it both irritated and amused the elf. She didn't want to think about what Solas had dreamt of, let alone talk about it with someone else.

When Ellana remained silent, Lily gave up handing her back the phone. "Fine fine, here is your phone. He texted you back, by the way."

Ellana took her phone, careful not to snatch it from her and opened it to the most recent text.

 

 

_[Solas][6:00 PM]-_

_Ah, so he is a public figure._

_I should like to guess, but I do not think you would tell me if I were right._

_It is apt though, for most people in the public eye have more money than sense._

 

  _[You]{6:07 PM]-_

_Dealing with eccentric buyers is one of the more interesting part of my job_

_besides actually painting, that is_

_i love meeting new , interesting people_

_Like you._

 

_[Solas][6:09 PM]-_

_You may be one of the few people who think that._

_My life does not afford me enough time in which to be, interesting._

_Let alone enough luck to find people who find me so._

_But thank you, Ellana, you are interesting as well._

_Charmingly so._

 

_[You][6:10 PM]-_

_:)_

_You never did tell me what it was you dreamt of, Solas._

 

She bit her lip as she sent the text, feeling bold at his last text to her. It wasn't flirting, not exactly. But it was... something. She would be lying to herself if she were to say she had been able to stop thinking of what he might have dreamt. Because she hadn't, it had been on her mind all day. Dozens of scenarios came to mind when thinking about what he could possibly dream about, if he remembered, that is. In all probability it was probably some meaningless regular dream, as most were for people. Just random apparitions and scenes of the Fade, completely nonsensical. Like having tea with a favorite pet who could suddenly talk, or giving a speech in your underwear in front of everyone you know.

Ellana used to wish that she could dream like that, completely bizarre scenarios that you forgot upon waking, but she had given up hope long ago.

 

_[Solas][6:15 PM]-_

_It will sound ridiculous._

_I've only known you for a handful of days._

_But after I had it, I could swear I've known you longer._

_As if I've seen you somewhere before._

 

Her heart pounded in her chest as she read his messages, she felt herself growing frustrated as he took his time typing them out. Staring at the '...' as the seconds ticked by. With each new line she read, the world around her went quiet. Completely entranced by the words on her screen that said so much, while saying so little.

 

_[You][6:20 PM]-_

_Dreams have a funny way of bleeding into your feelings_

_Particularly vivid ones, especially so_

_I once dreamt I was the Divine_

_and my Left Hand was a Mabari_

 

She tried to rationalize it, brush it off as something normal. But she knew deep down in her bones that there was nothing normal about her life. She often turned to jokes when she was uncomfortable, or didn't want to take something seriously, it often got her in trouble. But she couldn't bring herself to ask him anything else about it. Just so she could ignore the truth, ignore their history and Ellana's greatest heartbreak.

 

_[Solas][6:23 PM]-_

_True._

_I suppose it is just wishful thinking, on my part._

_The kiss we shared was unlike anything I've experienced awake._

_If I had met you in my past, I don't think I'd be able to forget you._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens >:)
> 
> So I may ship Varric/Hawke, just a little.  
> Don't judge me. I will go down with all of my many ships.


	8. Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I don't claim to know anything about psychology or therapy or even talking about your feelings, just pretend with me that things make sense, Ellana has a lot of things she needs to work through**

_The kiss we shared was unlike anything I've experienced awake._

 

A kiss?

Ellana had been so shaken by his earlier text that she had not responded. In truth because she didn't know how. She was aching to know what he had dreamt of.

But was she courting disaster? She couldn't escape the thoughts that crept up on her while she was alone. It was late again, the hours had passed her by while she was avoiding her phone. She had tried to pass the time cleaning her apartment, replying to emails regarding her work, even contacting her psychologist to set an emergency appointment for tomorrow, which definitely wouldn't come cheap. Now she sat on her couch, staring at the start of her painting from the previous day, which Ellana now realized had taken the form of a forest long forgotten.

It happened like this frequently, she wouldn't know what form her work was taking until it was near completion. This time it was lush greenery, verdant trees that no longer existed in the waking world, except in memories. In the background a magnificent floating city with vast crystal spires reaching into the sky. It was because of him. In her core she remembered him; he was bleeding into her art, inspiring memories to take form in paint.

She had met him there, the very first time. Among the fields just outside a forest that no longer held a name. A grand tournament celebrating one of Andruil's favorites, who had emerged victorious from a deadly hunt. The days of the Evanuris were often spent in revels like that, passing the days, months and years in a place where time had no meaning.

The first time she had seen Fen'Harel, she was sitting with Mythal, forever the obedient servant in the public eye. The Vallaslin of her lady, scrawled in light ink across her face, marking her as a belonging, a possession. It was mostly for show, to protect her from the other Gods, who were jealous of Mythal's highly prized servant, a slave of such great abilities. 

She hated thinking of those times. So far away, yet eternally fresh in her mind. The first tragedy of their love had left it's mark, and it was more painful than any Vallaslin could be.

She shook her head to clear the thoughts from her head, as she sat on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, staring at her work and still pointedly ignoring her phone.

Maybe a good night's sleep would help clear her mind.

 

 

* * *

 

 

She arrived at the University, early for her appointment. It wasn't quite orthodox she thought, talking to someone who was a renowned university professor by day, yet moonlighted as a doctor with some reasonably questionable contacts and connections. But that suited Ellana just fine, it was only part of the reason she was there.

Walking up to the door to an office, she paused briefly, taking a deep breath before knocking. She usually hated talking to other people about her problems, but this was one she could trust to no one besides herself and Dr. De Fer.

It only took a few moments for the door to open, Vivienne smiling politely as she motioned for her to enter. The office itself was inviting, very smartly decorated with just a hint of the quiet elegance that was obviously the doctor's own personal touch.

Plopping herself down in the chair gracelessly, she watched as the other woman glided to her desk. There really was no other word for how Vivienne walked. 

"You seemed quite insistent on meeting today, my dear. Is something troubling you?"

Ellana wasn't sure where to start. She had been coming to see Vivienne for several months now, finding solace in confiding in someone else about her unique situation. Even if the doctor’s motives weren’t purely for helping Ellana, they did have a mutually beneficial arrangement.

"Do you remember what I told you about the man I loved, Vivienne?" She started, unable to think of a way to ease into the conversation that she didn’t want to have in the first place.

"The one you killed?"

Ellana couldn't help but wince at the reminder, Vivienne was never one to sugar coat anything that she had told her of the past. When she first started talking to the woman, Ellana had started small, little details that pointed to just how far back her memories of her life went, too scared to be labeled insane or a liar, though she wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking she was either of those things, sometimes she didn’t want to believe herself either.

"Yes that one. If you remember, I told you that it has been some time since I last saw him. Lifetimes in fact."

Vivienne made a small noise of acknowledgement, but otherwise kept silent, gesturing for her to continue.

She sighed, "Well he showed up the other day, crashed into my life. He's an acquaintance of Varric's. He showed up at my studio, scared me half to death."

"Does he remember you?" Vivienne looked intrigued at the development.

Ellana shook her head dismissing the idea as if it were ridiculous, "no, no one ever does. The burden of time rests solely on me, as ever."

"But something is troubling you, besides his sudden appearance in your life?"

She hesitated a moment, fiddling with a pen on the desk in front of her. "After the day we met, he contacted me. It started with questions about my art, simple pleasantries and average small talk." She paused, unsure if she even wanted to continue. "But then he told me he dreamt of me."

Vivienne didn't even blink before asking, "was it a memory?"

"I don't know for sure what it was. After he started telling me about it, well-”

"Spit it out, dear."

Ellana glared at the woman. "I haven't looked at my phone since." She threw up her hands to keep the other woman from interrupting her, "I know it's childish, so save me the pain of a lecture. I just don't know if I'm ready for this."

"Ready for what, Ellana?"

Ellana fidgeted, restless in her chair.

"What comes after if it _was_ a memory? I have so many fears, Vivienne. A great number of them have to do with him. What if he has more than one dream? What if it's a stupid dream, a trick of his subconscious that isn't even connected? For the life of me I don't know which option I fear most."

"Do you worry about how he will feel about you if he remembers what you did?"

Did she?

To be fair it seemed impossible, at the time. Choosing their love or the entire world. No one should ever have to make that choice.

"I worry that he won't hate me. I worry that he will; I worry that none of my worrying matters because he won't remember a fucking thing."

The room filled with silence and Ellana couldn't bear it. Her thoughts were becoming too much, she couldn’t remember the last time she was so full of doubt, too many unanswered questions and too many years of baggage, it all felt like it was going to break her any day now.

"Say something please, for _once_ I am actually asking for your thoughts."

Vivienne leveled her with an icy stare, but with no real malice behind it, Ellana thought it was probably her default setting. Icy and imposing, even now.

"Do you still love him?"

Of course she did. 

Ellana could never make herself stop, and how she tried, for hundreds of years. She had tried everything she could think of, even trying to lose herself in other people. Sometimes that person had been Cullen, sometimes men or women she had never met before. She had gone through a period of trying to escape the cycle, to run away and live a life where she knew no one. Could affect no ones lives. It had never worked, and she had never been able to forget or suppress her feelings for him. No matter how much time had passed or how many people she had met, nothing had ever cured her of the love she carried for Solas. For Fen'Harel. 

"Yes."

"Are you afraid of that love?"

_Yes._

"I'm afraid of finding it after all of this time, only to lose it again, or have it taken from me like before."

"Ah. So you're worried that, what? The past will repeat itself? You will lose your lover to death again, or he will lose you to it?"

Vivienne was too damn perceptive for her own good.

Probably why she was so good at her job.

She remembered the day she told Vivienne of her own past, her part in Ellana's life, the woman hadn't even batted an eye at the information. Even when she learned all of what they had gone through together, she had taken it all with such grace. It was then that Ellana wondered if she could try telling someone else, wondering who she would tell or how she would tell them.

It was her favorite daydream, telling Dorian or Hawke, sometimes Varric. In a perfect world she wouldn't worry about telling them the truth, but she never wanted to see them look at her like she was crazy, or if something she would tell them would change how they felt about themselves, or her. She couldn't bear to lose any of them, to change them like that. She would deal with it alone so that they didn't have to, she loved to see them happy.

"A big part of living as long as I have lived, is usually knowing which things change, and which do not. I am not lucky enough or naive enough, to believe that love will be different for me this time, than it was all the times before."

"But what if it is? Would you let the chance to know him again pass you by? Will you truly be happy endlessly running away from all of your problems in however many more lives you live?"

Shit.

Ellana had no answer for the woman, except for a sigh that came along with dropping her forehead onto Vivienne's large desk.

“You truly believe that you’re being punished for your past, don’t you?”

Ellana lifted her head, but she still couldn’t look at the doctor. Instead she stared out the window behind the woman, focusing on the rain that was starting to fall on the campus courtyard, the people outside rushing across to get out of the weather.

“What else am I supposed to believe? This is no gift, I wouldn’t wish remembering so much on anyone, sometimes the weight of it is too much.” She sighed as she finally looked into Vivienne’s eyes. “I will deny it to anyone but you, but yes, I’m afraid. What else could it be for, if not to punish me?”

"You are not alone in remembering, Ellana. You know there are others."

"Oh yes, a few scattered across Thedas, with pieces of memories of lives they might have once lived. But I'm the only one you've found with ones as clear and vivid as if they happened yesterday. I'm the only one with thousands of years of bad decisions and heartbreaks and death plaguing my days and nights, making sure that I overthink every decision that I make. Making sure that I'm so fucked up that I use a man that falls in love with me in every life to make myself feel wanted, even though I will never feel for him how he feels for me.  Making me envious of the friends that I love, the ones I can never tell the truth to, because they get to live their lives blissfully unaware of all their past suffering, of all their past wrongs. In each life I get to watch and be happy for them, as they meet and fall in love with the same people all over again, pretending that it doesn't kill me that I can't have what they have, each and every single time. Why am I so different?"

Ellana didn't realize that she had been crying until she finished her outburst, cheeks reddening in embarrassment. Vivienne wordlessly handed her a tissue from the box on her desk.

She let out a deep sigh, "I'm sorry, Vivienne. It's been long few days, I guess I didn't realize how much I needed to let that all out." She laughed nervously.

"It's what I'm here for, my dear. You should stop trying to deal with everything on your own, we could meet more frequently than twice a month, you know." 

 Ellana gave her a small hint of a smile, thinking it over in her mind. She hated being emotional, hated dealing with her many issues so openly. But it was obviously affecting her more than she thought, to cause such an outburst. At least she didn't set the curtains on fire this time, like she had in their first session. The look on Vivienne's face had been priceless that day. 

"I'd like that, but I think that's all the sharing I can manage for today, I'm afraid. Do you have what I requested?"

Vivienne reached into a drawer of her desk, pulling out a large, sealed yellow envelope and handing it across to Ellana. Hopefully it would be something helpful this time, and not just another wild goose chase for her to go on.

"Thank you, Vivienne. I'll call and set up something for next week, I promise."

With that, she was out the door and headed home, there were still a few things Hawke had asked her to help with for the party, and though there was still another month left she wanted to get it out of the way. With an exaggerated sigh, she turned on her phone. Vivienne was right after all, she couldn't run from her own issues forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What could Ellana possibly be up to?
> 
> Thank you for staying with me! All of your kudos and comments seriously make my life <3


	9. Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be completely honest with you guys, I'm still not 100% set on what I want Solas to do for a living, what I have planned for later in the story works with so many different things, I can't choose one! So for now, have some very vague work talk. Feel free to give me suggestions, if you like!

Solas stared at his phone, absently scrolling through the texts between himself and Ellana, who had gone silent after he had mentioned the kiss. Understandably so, he thought. If someone who was practically a stranger had confessed to him that they had dreamt of him, had experienced a kiss like like none other than they had felt before...well. He didn't imagine he would have done much different than she had in that scenario.

Solas was unable to stop thinking of of her. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this intrigued by a person. He met many people on a daily basis, too many.  It was his job, and he was the best at what he did. Even if a high percentage of his daily life was pretending to enjoy the company of  people whose only redeemable qualities were their bank accounts.

None of them were like Ellana.

 Both the real, easily flustered artist, and the version of her created by his damnably realistic subconscious. Images of her striking Elven visage, all raven hair, milky skin and fiery eyes.  He hadn't dreamt of her since the night they met, and he was oddly disappointed at that fact.  Was he expecting to dream of her again? Or have another dream as vivid as the one she inhabited, a continuation of their tryst perhaps. They had been interrupted in it, doors bursting open to reveal...someone. It was the unclear ending to the dream, but whoever it was had caused a flash of fear to cross Ellana's face. 

What had triggered the effect? He didn't claim to be well versed in sciences of the mind, but surely it was no normal dream. Maybe it was seeing her in person, would she agree to meet with him again?

They had only met briefly, spoken through messages a handful of days. Why did he feel so bold with her?

She hadn't even responded to the last messages he had sent her last night, though he had tried to apologize for speaking to her of the kiss. How insane would he look if he asked her to see him again in person? 

He shook his head, annoyed with himself.

He realized then that he was stalling, as he sat in his car in the garage of his office building. Engine still running, he had been so lost in his thoughts that he was late, and Solas was never late. Even though he was the boss, he prided himself on punctuality, among other things. He sighed, removing his keys from the ignition, why was today so much harder to process even showing up to his business?

It wasn't the career path he would have chosen for himself, to be sure. But it was his now, he had changed the company, increasing it's revenue and public image by leaps and bounds since his aunt had expressed her wish for him to take over the company when she retired. It had been years since then, but Solas had been starting to feel restless, like he was doing too much and not enough at the same time.

When he was younger he had wanted to be a doctor, wanted to help people the way that his parents had, from what little he remembered them now, it seemed almost another lifetime ago. But sometimes he did wonder how his life would have been if he had gone into medicine. He had shown a natural talent for healing magic when he was younger, an ever-increasing rarity across Thedas.

Most people these days chose fields of modern medicine over magical, due to the technical achievements made in medical science over the last few decades. Combining that with the fact that few people were even born with any sort of clear magical affinity, the number of mages born decreasing every year, healing magic was practically just another magical art form, lost to time with all the rest. 

 "No use thinking of the past, now." He mumbled to himself sadly, no longer able to remain in the safety of his car.

 

* * *

 

 

[Solas][7:46 PM]-

Ir Abelas, da’len.

My last text was impulsive and ill-considered.

Forget I mentioned it, please.

Ellana sat in a small coffee shop near her home, one of the few eateries left in her area run by elves. It was quiet, and the smell of Dalish pastries twisted her heart and made her think of the clan she left behind. The only member of her family she had spoken to in years was Mahanon, and only because he lived nearby and was in love with her best friend.

When she walked into the shop it hadstirred up all the memories of the clan she left behind, and not for the first time. She might always be born Dalish but once her memories caught up to her, she always left. Being with the clan felt wrong in every lifetime, like she was betraying him. Like she was betraying them all, with her love for the Dread Wolf.

She knew such a thing was superstition, she held no love for Dalish tales and foolish beliefs and she knew they were holding on too tightly to things long lost. But it was easier for everyone if she left, and none of them were ever sad to see her go.

She would never forget the look in the Keeper's eyes when she came into her magic that so much wilder than anyone else, and it made them all fear her. As she grew older her rebellious streak had kicked in, and teenage Ellana was a nightmare. Before the memories caught up to her. Always before.

[You][11:30 AM]-

Tel'abelas.

No need 2 say sorry for your subconscious

I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t curious about this dream tho

 

 She hoped the text didn't seem as lame to Solas as it had to her, but it was too late now. She didn't want to have to explain her silence so she asked questions about the dream instead, her curiosity getting the better of her.  

 

[Solas][11:35 AM]-

It was… unexpectedly vivid. I’m unsure of how to even begin describing it.

It sounds ridiculous, but it felt almost real.

Ellana tapped her fingers nervously on the table as she stared at the screen, trying not to let herself hope. Could he be dreaming a memory? He obviously doesn’t know it if he was, doesn’t know how real dreams can be. But to have him describe it as vivid enough to be real, Ellana couldn’t help but wonder at which kiss he might be dreaming of. They had shared so many electrifying kisses, ones that set her soul on fire each time.

[You][11:37 AM]-

I know the feeling

Where were we, in the dream?

 

[Solas][11:40 AM]-

I don’t know for certain, a temple possibly?

It was certainly not something that would remain standing today.

You were angry with me, or scared for me.

It was hard to be sure which one.

 

_Probably because it was usually both, stubborn wolf._

Ellana sipped her now cold coffee as she thought about his words. A temple, then. It would have been one of Mythal's, he always came and went as he pleased through Mythal's lands. But not her, she was always wherever Mythal was, never free to leave or to explore far from her lady's side. It was too dangerous, as coveted as she was for her gifts.

[You][11:45 AM]-

How adventurous of us, kissing in an ancient temple.

Tho I don't think I would kiss you if i was mad

That doesn't sound like me

 

[Solas][11:47 AM]-

Interesting.

Ellana'as would disagree, I think.

There certainly was fire in her touch.

I can still feel it even now, awake as I am.

 

[You][11:54]-

Ellana'as?

 

He was dreaming a memory.

There was no way she could deny it in her mind anymore. No one called her Ellana'as, there were only a handful of people who knew it was truly her name.

He was remembering. The thought terrified her, shook her to her core. He didn't know they were memories, and she wondered how long that would last. It didn't take long for her, she had only made it through three vivid dreams before she realized what they were. What they meant. The first time she had experienced her past again, was nothing but raw pain. It was something that never got any easier, no matter how many times you lived through it. 

He was dreaming somewhere close to the event that would change everything. Of that Ellana was sure. 

 

[Solas][11:59 AM]-

Oh, yes.

That was what I called you, and you called me Fen'Harel.

 

_Well, shit._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I could have written this chapter better. But it was the easiest way i could think of to include my personal canon for how magic has changed in modern Thedas. Also, is everyone okay with the texting format? I've tried it a few different ways but I can never decide, let me know in the comments!


	10. Consign Me Not to Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana wakes up from a nightmare, too shaken to get back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Quick Warning**  
> Please take note of the updated tags! I know they look scary but I didn't get too graphic with anything.  
> BTW, I also added this work to its own series! I'll be adding dumb little short drabbles and extra memories, some one-shots from all across the timeline.

 

  _Ellana'as was surrounded by fire, the stench of death permeating the air. She was beyond caring, her nose used to the smell after being stuck in here for what seemed like hours. Her body was covered in bruises of varying colors and her dress torn beyond recognition, what was left of the hem that grazed the floor drenched in blood. Some of it her own, most of it belonged to the soldiers who died protecting this place, and the Evanuris who was now beyond her reach._

_Ellana'as refused to cry, she would not weep at what they put her through. She would not weep for the people who were lost. Would not weep for the All-Mother who now lies dead in the chamber across from where she was frozen against the wall, where she was forced to watch as the combined forces of the Evanuris stormed this holiest of temples. Frozen in place with magic as her people were slaughtered in the night, caught so off guard that it was painfully easy to cut them down. Forced to listen as they murdered their own mother in cold blood._

_It was all embarrassingly easy, because who would ever dare storm a temple of Mythal?_

_She scoffed, it came out a pained sound. The strain of being stuck here for hours was causing her limbs to scream out in pain. But Ellana'as would not scream._

_She would give no God the satisfaction of her heartbreak._

_She wondered when it would be her turn, when whoever remained in the dead Evanuris' chamber would come out to break her. They would not kill her, of that she was sure. She was too great a prize, too gifted with the sight that all Evanuris coveted. With her in their possession, they would be all-knowing and all powerful. They could get to him with ease, and he would meet the same end as Mythal. She would never let that happen._

_She would end her own life first, before she belonged to someone else. All she needed was an opportunity._

* * *

 

Ellana woke up to tears streaming down her face, her body trembling in the moonlight coming in through her window. No matter how many times she experienced THAT specific memory, it always took its toll on her. She laid there staring at her ceiling for a while, willing herself to calm down. She tried thinking of other things, but her mind would always travel back to that horrible night. It had been so long since she had thought of it, the true beginning of the end of Elvhenan. 

 

"Watching and waiting, searching for something sharp to sacrifice your light before they can use you to get the Wolf. Can't move, can't cast, can't breathe through the death that fills your lungs. I will not let you hurt him too."

The boy who had appeared by her bed out of thin air barely even registered to Ellana, who barely tilted her head to him and whispering a greeting.

"Hello Cole."

"You're hurting." He spoke at her, "I can help."

"You know that I won't ever let you take that away Cole, I wish that you would stop offering." she murmured to him, at the spot where he sat on the foot of her bed. 

"I know."

A thought flickered through her head that his hat looked even more ridiculous in the dark, before she submit once again to the tears that she couldn't seem to stop. She curled onto her side, moving her legs so Cole had more room to sit. The spirit boy sat close to Ellana, knowing what she needed when the memories became too much, and the storm of her emotions slipped through the cracks. Sometimes she just needed to cry in the darkness of the night to hide her pain, the only one who ever got to see it for themselves was Cole, and that was only because she couldn't stop him.

Not that she would even try, Compassion was too rare in the world to deny it it's purpose. 

 After she had cried herself out, she looked over to Cole who was staring out the window vacantly. "Have you seen him?" She managed to rasp, clearing her throat after she heard how she must sound. She didn't need to clarify any further to the spirit, he always knew without explanation. 

"Yes."

"And you never thought to tell me? Even though you know the guilt, _the pain_ I carry for what I did to him? Did you not think I would like to know that he still exists?"

"He has always existed, the man and the wolf that lives inside. The pain you would have felt at knowing would have been worse, you weren't ready."

She stayed silent for a long moment resisting the urge to roll her eyes at him as she thought on his words. He was probably right, after all. She would hardly call herself ready now, as if finding the lover you thought had been gone for over five hundred years was something you could ever be ready for. 

"He's having the dreams, or at least he's starting to." Ellana spoke softly as she scooted up the bed until her back was against the dark metal of the headboard. "What happens when- if he remembers what I've done?"

"You didn't do anything worse than he did, Ellana'as. He would forgive you." How earnest he spoke the words pulled at something in her heart, something that was getting dangerously close to being called hope. "He feels it too."

"Stay out of my head, Cole." She admonished, before something caught up to her. " Wait, what did you mean? The wolf that lives inside?" As the fog of sleep and tears cleared from her mind she was able to focus on their conversation more easily.

"The wolf does not remember, like Solas does not remember, but it feels you. Has caught your scent on the air, crushed lavender and crystal grace, familiar and different. It stirs within, pacing and restless, waiting for it's mate as the man waits for his vhenan. But they are the same, as you are."

She sighed, long-suffering and completely exasperated. It was far too early in the morning to dissect the speech of Compassion. "I don't know what to do with all of that right now, Cole." She told him honestly, too much was changing in her life lately to wrap her head on yet another piece of terrifying information. She refused to let herself feel hopeful as she picks up her phone to check the time. She squints her eyes as the brightness of the screen illuminates the room, it's only four-thirty in the morning.

Well, she was awake now.

"This is too deep of a conversation to have before coffee, Cole." She said as she wandered across the room yawning and shrugging into a thin, dark green robe. "Come on, you can continue to stress me out as I caffeinate."

* * *

 

 

 It was only seven o'clock.

This day had barely begun and was already dragging by much slower than Ellana could handle. After Cole had vanished again, probably off to help one of their other friends, Ellana had buried herself in her research. She was sitting cross-legged at her low coffee table, book strewn across the floor and separated into piles. Her third cup of coffee that had long since gone cold, perched precariously on the bottom of her laptop as she scrolled through the info on the screen. In her lap she had a torn-open remnant of a manila envelope, the papers that it contained neatly placed next to her. Hopefully this time, she would find something worth investigating. 

Everything Vivienne had found for her this time pointed to deep within the forest just outside of Kirkwall. In all honesty it would probably turn out to be nothing, but Ellana couldn't let the opportunity pass her by. At least if she came out of it empty handed, there was a second lead for her to work on. But she couldn't bring herself to look at the second set just yet, her heart could only take so much disappointment at a time.

 She would have to contact the University later, see if there was a dig site nearby that she could assist with. It was always much easier to be on official business so she could provide a reason for being so far out in the wilderness. It was no fun to get caught by authorities wandering around old ruins with no permit, and no excuse other than 'my psychologist's shady contact told me there were some people possibly asleep out here that I needed to come check out'.

At least it was in the Free Marches this time, she thought. Remembering a time that she had been trekking through mountains in Orlais and was discovered by a few Chevaliers, she hadn't tried to explain anything since that time, she didn't like coming off as crazy. Like some of those elves on the internet, with their heads buried deep in their conspiracy theories. She had sifted through a few of those sites and forums, when she had just begun her research.

A few days wasted falling deep down the rabbit hole of theories. Some of them were so intricate, and well thought out that she wished they could be the truth. Others, were so laughable and far-fetched, that Ellana almost felt bad. If only she could tell all of them, 'no sorry, it's actually my fault that the Evanuris were locked away, oh and my stubborn ex-lover who is also the Dread Wolf, lovely theories though.'

Her phone buzzed in its place on the table at her side, nearly falling off before she caught it. 

 

_[Solas][7:09 AM]-_

_On dhea, da'len._ _I have a rare day off today._

_Could I interest you in meeting me for lunch?_

_I could fill you in on the rest of the dream, I would love your theories on the matter._

 

_[You][7:10 am]-_

_Good morning, Solas._

_Where should I meet you?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, some angst! It will get better soon, maybe, possibly. Or it might get worse, I'm not sure because Ellana doesn't often do what I tell her to do. :^)  
> And did a bit of plot just surface? What is going on? I can't even answer that question because I too am just along for the ride.
> 
> By the way, Ellana's dream just shows you all a fraction of what she went through that night. If you're interested in reading it in it's entirety, I'll be posting the full sequence to its own work in this series soon!  
> As always, thank you for reading! <3


	11. Through Her Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two nervous dorks have lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit and cookies to you, coldturkey. Thank you for your idea and the name you suggested for Solas' Company <3

As Ellana took a deep breath and stepped out of the taxi around noon into the unseasonably warm air, she couldn't help but feel ridiculously nervous.

Why had she even agreed to this? Maybe it was her early morning breakdown with Cole that had left her feeling impulsive. Somehow it was exactly what she needed and she felt more awake now than she had in weeks, even running on 3 hours of sleep and just as many cups of coffee as she was.

That always ended well, the smart part of her brain pointed out to her. She wasn't particularly interested in listening right now, or to the part of her that was screaming that this was a bad idea. She was far too busy being excited to see Solas. Even if it was most likely seeing her in the first place that had set off his dreams, and this was the possibly the worst thing she could be doing if she didn't want him to remember their past.

But they were just having a friendly lunch, he wanted her opinion on his dream and that was all. She tried telling that to her hands, that wouldn't stop shaking just slightly. Several times along the ride from her apartment to the restaurant, Ellana had almost told the driver to turn around and take her back. The only thing that had stopped her was how short the ride actually was, she lived barely three blocks away from the cafe Solas had chosen. It was Orlesian, too. She shook her head mockingly, reminding herself to keep the judgement in her head. He wouldn't get the irony, why it was so funny that he had chosen that place. 

 

She knew she was a bit early as she walked up to the restaurant they had agreed to meet outside of, so she stood awkwardly near the door watching the crowd for signs of him. This area was Ellana's favorite in the city, an eclectic mixture of students and corporate workers at the sweet spot where the University mingled with the downtown financial district. She had passed this restaurant many times as she traveled from her apartment to her studio, but she never stopped inside before. She did love to people watch, the mixture of people who gathered here always fascinated her. 

As she watched the world go on about its day around her, she perked up at the glimpse of a bald head in the crowd. He was taller than most other elves in the crowd, few as they were. Broad in a way that elves of this time could never be, but still with the lean form that helped him blend just enough that he was never openly scrutinized as different. As he got closer to where she stood, she looked at him over the top of her phone, trying not to look like she was staring. He was dressed almost casually, in a smart pair of beige slacks and a deep blue button down. Sleeves rolled up to his elbows, exposing his deceptively muscular forearms. 

She was glad now for Dorian's input on her outfit choice, after he had finished making fun of her. When she received the text this morning asking her to lunch, she might have had a little freak out.

Just a small one.

She certainly didn't send Dorian a stream of texts without waiting for a reply, and they definitely did not contain several pictures of different combinations of clothing waiting for Dorian's comments. She absolutely did not, as Dorian had so lovingly put it, ' seem like a teenage girl choosing a prom dress'.

She was glad for the outcome though, having chosen a simple white sundress that grazed the tops of her knees, covered by a light green jacket. Her hastily painted toes peeking out of beige sandals. She hadn't had much time to deal with her mass of dark hair, so it sat haphazardly on top of her head twisted into a loose bun. She was attempting to look effortlessly put together, but she would settle for a step up from the mess that usually was her wardrobe. She had been made fun of consistently by most of her friends for her love of function over fashion, she just could never be bothered. Everything she owned end up with paint on it, after all.

She was running out of time as he was fast approaching her, try as she might to look like she was engrossed in something on her phone he had noticed her glancing at him, and rewarded her with a wry smile. She finally noticed the human woman at his side dressed in a smart suit and dark sunglasses, after noticing nothing but him as he walked up to her. It was Cassandra, because of course it was. Everything from her short, dark hair to her muscled form were just too _her_ to be mistaken for anyone else.

"Have you been waiting long? It took me longer to find parking than I had anticipated." He spoke as he reached her on the the sidewalk outside of the cafe, and she tried to suppress the flip her stupid heart had done at the sound of his voice.

"Hello to you to, Solas." She smirked, "and no, I've just been here a few minutes. I only live a few blocks from here." She stared up at the other woman, waiting for Solas to introduce her or to say anything explaining her presence, but she just monitored the area around them both. Was she Solas' bodyguard? The idea made her chuckle, which she covered up by clearing her throat as Solas reached for her hand. She leaned in for hug and they ended up awkwardly in a hug-handshake combo before Ellana let out a nervous chuckle. That was the problem with Ellana being a hugger, it wasn't her first awkward greeting. He cleared his throat as he opened the door that lead inside, gesturing for her to go first.

Ellana listened as Solas muttered a few words to Cassandra about waiting outside, but she was distracted by her stomach grumbling silently at the assault of heavenly smells that hit her upon entering.

When was the last time she had even eaten?

They were seated near a window that faced out over the University park by a lovely Antivan woman, who had quietly handed them menus and filled glasses with cool water before slipping away, leaving the pair alone. Ellana glanced out across the view, listening to the din of the lunch rush as it happened around them.

"Have you been here before? You mentioned that you live close by." He asked her as he looked at her over the menu, she looked away from him, trying not to stare again. 

"No never, I pass it all the time on my way to the studio though." She fiddled with the frayed corner of one of the menus, unable to focus very hard on what she wanted to eat. Especially not when he was watching her speak with that attentive look on his face, the way he was. Creators, he was just as handsome as ever. It was unfair what the blue of his shirt was doing to bring out the color of his eyes. 

"I hadn't realized how close it was to you, I must come in here at least twice a week."

Twice a week? She had known for barely a month that he even existed, and he had been this close the whole time? 

"Oh? What is it that brings you to this side of the city so often?" She asked, interested in what he did now. It was obviously something corporate, much of this area was. He seemed hesitant to answer her question, making her raise an eyebrow. Did he worry about what she thought of him? She tried to fight down the warmth that brought forward, as she waited patiently for him to answer her.

"About a year ago I took over my aunt's firm. Security Consulting for various high-level corporations, powerful families, things such as that. We have offices that span everything from protection details to cyber-security, depending on the needs of individual clients. White Wolf Industries- if you've heard of it. Though most just shorten it to WWI."

She choked on the water she was sipping as he spoke, there was no way in the Void that was a coincidence. But that would explain silent Cassandra, who had been left out front of the restaurant. She had heard mentions of WWI on the TV she usually kept on in the background as she worked, or seen it on newspapers and magazine covers explaining whatever new scandal emerged every week. WWI was always involved in some way, they were quite a large firm if Ellana remembered correctly.

She smiled at him, not trusting herself to not make a joke or some kind of pun he wouldn't understand about the name of his company at the moment, it was just too funny and she didn't want to offend him. She decided on a subject change instead, "you'd think we would have bumped into each other before recently, especially with you knowing at least one of my closest friends." 

"Yes, a shame is it not?" He sipped his water before continuing, still gazing at her intensely. " He had spoken of you before, you know. He seems to be fond of telling stories, many of which feature you. Looking back on those I've heard over time, some of the things he has said-"

She tried not to snort, a light blush colored her cheeks as she interrupted him. " I would take much of what Varric calls truth with a grain of salt, he has a way of embellishing everything I do. I swear I'm far less exciting than he makes me out to be."

"So you never saved a group of mages in Ferelden from being tricked into servitude to a Tevinter Magister?" He raised an eyebrow at her, wondering which of Varric's stories were indeed truth.

She paused a moment, well that one was true. She just happened to be in the right place at the right time, while she had been studying abroad in Ferelden as part of the group of graduate students who were assisting in the restoration of Redcliffe Castle. She always found it hard to pass up calling the creepy man out on his bullshit, even if this time he wasn't brainwashed by Corypheus. He was still a slime ball, grasping at more power than he deserved. 

"Well yes, but-"

"And did you not study under a famous Knight-Enchanter, one of the last of their kind?"

Her brow furrowed at the memory of hard-ass Helaine, she hadn't even really needed the training. But she would never pass up on a chance to be yelled at by the small elven woman, even if she had far surpassed her knowledge by now.

She rolled her eyes at Solas, who she noticed was looking quite smug at how truthfully a picture Varric truly painted of her, no matter how much she protested otherwise. Maybe it was just Ellana herself that felt less interesting than she had before, with no Breach to seal or ancient pissed off would-be gods to take down, that made her feel relatively tame in comparison to the past. Of course, everyone else wouldn't think so, she supposed now that she was actually taking time to think about it. 

"Okay so Varric possibly, maybe tells more truth than I give him credit for. But I will deny that I said that to my grave, he doesn't need his ego inflated anymore than it is. Maker forbid he he try and find ways to make me more interesting." She stared off out the window at the thought, giving a slight involuntary shiver.

"I don't think that could be possible, Ellana." 

Her eyes snapped to him and he was giving her the look that meant he was trying to see inside her mind, to figure her out. She both hated and loved that look as much as she loved the sound of her name on his lips, but now it was doing stupid things to the part of her brain that she needed to speak, so she looked back out the window and cleared her throat. She would never make it through the whole lunch if he kept looking at her like that, why did she ever agree to this?

Thankfully, that was when the waitress made her return to the table to take their drink orders, and Ellana loved her in that moment. 

 After ordering herself a large glass of a fine Tevinter wine that she had never tried but Dorian had always mentioned to her, and listening to Solas as he ordered an Elven ale, the server trotted off and they were alone once again.

The last thing Ellana expected was awkward silence coming from the other side of the table, it was a completely new experience in the company she was in now. In the past, they always had a number of things to speak of, or things to do that filled the silences in a much more exciting way. But while she was sneaking a glance in his direction, he stared off to the side looking almost anxious. That was a first, she thought, while taking a small amount of pleasure at the idea.

"So Solas," She started, stifling a laugh as she jolted him from whichever thoughts were running through his mind. "You had questions?" 

He smiled across at her, almost sheepishly. "Ah yes, I apologize. Being here with you is-" he trailed off, and she waited for him to finish his thought. Though she knew what he would say, it was the same for her in the beginning. Familiar people, smells, even sounds would set off feelings or memories. It made her ache to think of him dealing with it alone, like she had once upon a time. But she waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts, to sift through what was the present and what was a memory.

He finally managed to continue his thought, staring at her as she pretended to browse the menu. " Being so near you makes me remember the dream more vividly than I've been able to before now, makes the dream-version of you seem more-"

"Real?" She finished for him quietly, too impatient to wait for him to try and assemble his meaning again, he just made a small hum of acknowledgement. "Tell me the dream, Solas." 

She took a deep breath as he tried to decide where to start, hoping she wouldn't give away how nervous she was to hear their past made real, once again.

* * *

 

 

Ellana was running a finger around the rim of her long empty wine glass, as Solas had finished explaining the end of his dream. Their food had arrived somewhere near the middle of his story, but both plates had remained untouched and forgotten as time went by.

She remembered what day he had dreamt of now, after hearing him explain it in it's entirety. When he had vaguely mentioned it before in texts, just stating it to be a temple, she had scoffed to herself. The majority of their forbidden love had taken place in various temples, sneaking off to be together whenever they could, made easier of course by the fact that he was an Evanuris and a good friend of her Lady. But they were forbidden from being together just the same, as Mythal would not suffer the rumor of her servants being used by other Lords, as people would inevitably spin their love to be. 

She inhaled shakily as she stared down at her glass, processing his words and trying not to let her face show any reaction other than mild interest in his dream. Her insides twisted in on themselves at the pain of the memory he brought back to the surface of her mind. She remembered it vividly, the anger she had felt at and for him. Their fight and the kiss that came after, the equal amount of desperation and passion felt by both. He had only dreamt up until they were interrupted, he had no idea what came after.  It was the last time she had seen him before- 

"Ellana? Are you alright?"

She glanced up at him as her hands fell away from the glass, managing a small, sad smile. "Yes, I'm sorry. Just trying to wrap my head around how vividly you dream, most people don't remember them so long after waking, you know?"

"Believe me, I know. I could swear I was awake the entire time, living it more than dreaming it. Though I haven't had one like it since, I suppose I'm testing a theory being here with you."

Ellana tilted her head at him curiously, before realizing what he meant. "You think seeing me will trigger another dream." She said more than asked, knowing that was what he meant, far too clever for his own good.

"Just so. Do not get me wrong, I really did wish to see you again, regardless of whether I dream again or not." He clarified, hoping she wasn't offended. "The resemblance is uncanny, though you are far kinder to me than Ellana'as was to Fen'Harel."

She winced slightly, remembering how volatile her temper could be in the old days. Though she reasoned that no matter how much she had loved him, most of the time he really did deserve her ire. She still managed to be quite passionate now, though lifetimes of meditation and acceptance had dulled the flame of her youth. They were really quite similarly matched in personality when they were younger, probably what had drawn them together, at least in part. Other than the fact that Ellana'as was forbidden to him, and Fen'Harel loved a good challenge.

 "Oh I'm sure he did something to deserve it." She said sarcastically pleasant, to which he laughed.

By the Creators, she still loved the sound of his laugh.

He placed one of his hands over hers when she was lost in the sound of his voice, and heat shot up through her veins at his touch as her eyes snapped to his. The feeling reminiscent of a time where she was marked by him, and it was all too familiar. She struggled with not snatching her hand from the table, not wanting to scare him away or make him think she was repulsed at his touch. But he seemed to notice that something was off regardless, as he tilted his head and slowly drew back his own hand.

Ellana ached at the sudden loss of his touch, while cursing herself for being the one to blame for him taking it away.

 He cleared his throat, looking almost embarrassed. "If you'll excuse me a moment, Ellana."

She barely nodded in response before he shot up from his seat, and she stared at the back of him as he walked to the restrooms. As soon as he was out of view, her head dropped to the table and a groan escaped her lips. She couldn't do this, she thought to herself. The panic started to settle into her bones now that she was alone, Solas giving her too much time to second guess herself. She was realizing now that no matter how many lifetimes had separated them, he was at his core, the same man that she had always loved. What was she expecting from him? To be a completely different person? She knew by now that people did not change, not truly. Not down to the roots of the person they were. 

This was going to end badly, she was just going to repeat history and one of them would end up hurt. She grabbed her bag from it's place across the chair next to her and stood up quickly, ignoring the sudden onset of dizziness that was the result of standing up so fast and drinking her wine so quickly.

Ellana wouldn't give it that chance. 

She reached into her bag and dropped a few bills onto the table, before quickly making her way to the front of the restaurant. She spared a glance back to the table, making sure Solas had not returned yet. As she made her way outside, she spotted Cassandra waiting nearby, giving her a questioning look she had seen many times before. She ignored the woman as she picked up her pace down the sidewalk toward her studio.

She needed to get away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will forever put cameos, until I run out of people or chapters to do so, my love for everyone in the DA universe knows no bounds.  
> Also, the first half of the next chapter will be the same day, but from Solas' point of view.  
> Thanks, forever and always, for reading <3


	12. Through His Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas POV of the last chapter, & clueless Solas is best Solas.
> 
> Also Fair warning, this chapter takes a pretty heavy turn. Take note of the tags for this work, it doesn't get extremely graphic, but the mentions of it are there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Quick Note*  
> I went back and edited the references to Satinalia in my previous chapters, for plot reasons I have to move that a little farther away! Sorry for the confusion, I try hard not to go back and edit out things, but it really didn't make sense to me anymore, and I don't want to rush through!
> 
> Also, I AM SO SORRY FOR TWO MONTHS AWAY. Creators, I didn't expect to be away from this so long. Thank you for bearing with me during the break I took from this, I have several more of the chapters almost ready to go, after some minor edits! So the updates will be more frequent for a little while. <3

"Why are we even here, Solas?"

He bristled slightly at the sound of his name in his bodyguard's harsh Nevarran accent. She was one of the few that he employed that called him by his first name.

"I am here to meet an associate for lunch. I assume you are here because you enjoy being paid."

Not the greatest start to a day he had already been strangely nervous about. Traffic was so horrible they had to park blocks away, Solas slightly regret not using his driver. For some reason he felt embarrassed at the idea of Ellana seeing him be driven around, so now they were on foot, approaching the street his favorite cafe was on.

Walking through throngs of busy people in the midday heat was making him irritable, though perhaps his nerve's were also to blame. It was one of the last few warm days of the year, the holiday season fast approaching. He didn't know what came over himself this morning, he just knew he had a rare day where no one required anything of him and that he needed to see Ellana Lavellan. Needed to test his theory about her being the trigger to his dreams. 

He spotted a glimpse of her outside of the cafe, staring at her phone as she waited for him. His heart did a strange little flip at the first sight of her, one he didn't want to think about right now. Not while he was taking in the sight of her, all toned legs and how her skin almost glowed against the color of her dress. Impossibly dark hair piled onto her head while a few unruly curls escaped.

She was beautiful.

He was happy to go unnoticed by her as of yet, he didn't think he would survive the embarrassment of being caught staring. She tapped her toes almost impatiently, switching legs to balance her weight on. Was she nervous?

Finally she looked up from her phone, noticing him as he approached. She smiled brightly, and it was a welcome sight. The difference between this meeting and their first was like night and day. When he had first met her that morning a few weeks ago with Varric, she had been obviously hungover and irritable. Now she seemed almost to glow, and her smile reached deep into a part of him he didn't even know was there.

It was a welcome change.

 He felt himself already smiling as he approached her and said hello, he didn't know how long she had been waiting for him there. Ellana glanced at Cassandra, but didn't ask about her presence there, before she told him that she hadn't been there for very long. He didn't know whether- or even how to introduce Cassandra to her, so instead he reached out to shake her hand. She had leaned in to hug at the same moment, and they ended up in an awkward dance where neither greeting was accomplished. 

He had never been much for hugging, handshakes the only thing he ever offered anyone else. He found himself annoyed at the missed opportunity, and just cleared his throat and opened the door for her to enter the cafe.

When she was a few steps ahead of him he turned to instruct Cassandra.

"I know you insisted on accompanying me here, but please wait outside."

The woman just nodded her head briskly, a hint of a smile on her face. Solas didn't even want to begin to wonder why, not now anyway.

As he caught up with Ellana, who had waited for him just inside the door, he gestured toward the waitress to let them know they were ready to be seated at the table he had already picked out for them ahead of time.

He frequented this place and knew which tables provided the best views, so when they sat he made certain that Ellana would have the seat overlooking the park. As they made small talk, Solas noticed how fidgety she was, almost anxious.

Why would being here with him make her anxious?

 

"Oh? What is it that brings you to this side of the city so often?"

He had been dreading that question, he hated talking of work, and hated more the idea of wasting his time with her speaking of it. He didn't want her to think less of him for his corporate career, though she didn't seem one quick to judge. But he judged himself for his line of work, and he didn't want to come across that way. He disliked when people spent their time complaining of what they chose to do, he didn't want to start doing it himself. The thought of it still made him apprehensive, and it must have shown on his face, as Ellana was raising an eyebrow at him.

  
"About a year ago I took over my aunt's firm." He finally managed to speak, "Security Consulting for various high-level corporations, powerful families, things such as that. We have offices that span everything from protection details to cyber-security, depending on the needs of individual clients. White Wolf Industries- if you've heard of it. Though most just shorten it to WWI."

He looked over at her to see her smiling at him strangely, like she wanted to laugh at something he had said. Before he could ask, she quickly changed the subject.

"you'd think we would have bumped into each other before recently, especially with you knowing at least one of my closest friends."

"Yes, a shame is it not?" He paused to take a drink from his glass, "he had spoken of you before, you know. He seems to be fond of telling stories, many of which feature you. Looking back on those I've heard over time, some of the things he has said-"

In his entire time of knowing Mr. Tethras he had heard a great number of stories of the people the dwarf held dear, though most centered around a woman named Hawke, a not-so-small number of them also revolved around Ellana. 'The two most infuriating, terrifying, but important women in my life' he had once said of them both. 

 " I would take much of what Varric calls truth with a grain of salt, he has a way of embellishing everything I do. I swear I'm far less exciting than he makes me out to be."

He watched as a lovely shade of pink crawled its way across her face, she was embarrassed. Which usually meant there was more truth to the stories of her than she was comfortable with.

"So you never saved a group of mages in Ferelden from being tricked into servitude to a Tevinter Magister?" He quirked an eyebrow up at her, trying to keep a straight face. It was.. enjoyable, to make her blush.

He watched her eyebrows furrow and her mouth open, but it took a moment for her to form a response.

"Well yes, but-"

  
"And did you not study under a famous Knight-Enchanter, one of the last of their kind?"

She rolled her eyes at him, noticing that he was smiling at her, quite smug with himself. He hadn't even known she was a mage until he had heard that story, but apparently she was quite accomplished in her 

"Okay so Varric possibly," She let out a long-suffering sigh maybe tells more truth than I give him credit for. But I will deny that I said that to my grave, he doesn't need his ego inflated anymore than it is. Maker-forbid he try and find ways to make me _more_ interesting."

She was staring out the window, lost in thought. Possibly plotting ways to get back at the dwarf for talking about her so much.

  
"I don't think that could be possible, Ellana."

  
He found himself surprised, for how though he had heard so many thing about her, she wasn't real until he laid eyes on her. Now he couldn't imagine a world where she didn't exist. But that was ridiculous, wasn't it?

Borderline creep territory? Or childlike infatuation? He barely knew the woman aside from a few weeks of texting and a meeting or two, along with dreams of a woman the spitting image of her. Though she was fascinating, the depth of his feelings for her should scare him.

So why didn't they?

Her eyes snapped to his own, deep green meeting stormy blue, the intensity of her stare making him think again of the version of her from his dreams. How deeply she had stared into Fen'Harel, as if seeing into his very soul.

But before he could speak she looked away again, the moment now gone. Thankfully they were both saved by the waitress returning to ask about drinks. He listened to her order without really hearing, and ordered something for himself.

When the waitress retreated into the background, the silence had become awkward again. He didn't know how to change it, to bring the two back into congenial conversation. He was lost in thought, staring out the window for he didn't know how long, until Ellana's voice brought him out of it. He blinked, startled at the sound of his name.

"So Solas, you had questions?"

He smiled, apologetic.

"Ah yes, I apologize. Being here with you is-" He couldn't find any of the words he was grasping for, leaving him lost. He couldn't recall the last time he had found himself more lost for conversation than he had been today, he was usually so well spoken, never lost for words with anyone. 

It was frustrating.

He cleared his throat, deciding to take the conversation towards the reason he had asked her here, not toward his increasingly complex feelings. He wanted to trigger another dream, and since seeing her had done it before, he reasoned that it could very well happen again. He wanted to experience more, to feel himself in the dream like he had never felt before she stumbled into his life. She made everything seem real, like he had been living in a world of grey. When he met Ellana it was is if the world exploded with color, a realness he couldn't remember from before.

"Being so near you makes me remember the dream more vividly than I've been able to before now, makes the dream-version of you seem more-"

"Real?" Ellana spoke quietly, finishing his sentence for him. He nodded to her, humming in acknowledgement, not trusting himself to expand on it any further.

"Tell me the dream, Solas."

 

* * *

 

The two of them had become so absorbed in their discussion of his dream that they had barely noticed the waitress come and go with their food, which still remained untouched and probably cold. The earlier noise and bustle of the lunchtime rush, now all but gone as time passed them by.

As Solas described his dream to Ellana, he noticed that she looked far away. Though she was lost in his telling of the story, her expressive face hid nothing of how it was affecting her. Flashes of pain, or recognition, or sadness flitted across her face as he spoke. Like she was remembering it with him, and not being told for the first time.

It made him wonder.

Had she dreamt this before?

He shook his head, that was ridiculous. There was no way she had dreamt the same exact thing. 

As Solas glanced at her now that he was done speaking, she looked fragile. His heart twisted at the sight of her, her gaze watery as she stared down at her glass. 

"Ellana? Are you alright?"

As Solas spoke to her, it was like a mask dropped into place. Gone was the far away sadness, and the fear he had seen that had come from somewhere deep inside. In it's place was a small smile, as she made an excuse at being lost in thought about his dream.

"Believe me, I know. I could swear I was awake the entire time, living it more than dreaming it. Though I haven't had one like it since, I suppose I'm testing a theory being here with you."

"You think seeing me will trigger another dream." She spoke plainly with a tilt of her head, it wasn't truly a question.

Solas smiled at her, she had known what he was doing, of course she had. He hadn't realized until then how rude that sounded, and didn't want her to think that he didn't enjoy her company. Far from it, he found himself comfortable with her in a way he wasn't usually with others. Especially those he had known as little of a time as he had Ellana. 

"Just so. Do not get me wrong, I really did wish to see you again, regardless of whether I dream again or not. The resemblance is uncanny, though you are far kinder to me than Ellana'as was to Fen'Harel."

Solas watched as she winced at his words, but recovered quickly, a mischievous smile spreading across her face. Her mood changes were swift, mercurial, and he was having trouble keeping up. She felt so much in such small amounts of time, by the time he had processed one emotion she had already moved on to the next.

"Oh I'm sure he did something to deserve it. "Ellana spoke, too sweetly. As if he had missed some part of a private joke, or one at his expense.

He let out a laugh at that, relief swelled in his chest that their earlier awkwardness didn't spoil their meeting. 

He noticed her eyes widen as she stilled, her humor from before all but gone. He looked down at the table to see one of his hands covering her own, and for the life of him he could not think of how it got there. Solas slowly drew his hand away, clearing his throat at the onslaught of the embarrassment he now felt. Why had he thought it okay to touch her? It obviously made her uncomfortable.

He tried to not be hurt at the thought that his mere touch caused her so much discomfort, but it was hard to feel any other way. He needed a moment, to escape and relieve some of the tension that was building again between them. 

"If you'll excuse me a moment, Ellana."

She nodded slightly in his direction without meeting his eyes, she looked paler than she had before. He cursed himself and the unnatural comfort he felt in her presence. What had he been thinking? He was never like this with anyone, he was probably the farthest from a tactile person as one could be, preferring words and other small gestures over physical contact with another person.

She brought out a completely different person in him.

He had probably ruined everything.

Solas made his way into the empty restroom, and gripped the basin of the sink as he stared at himself in the mirror. His forehead fell against the glass and he let out a breath he had been holding the whole walk there. He took a moment to compose himself, he could still salvage this day. The level of confusion he felt at that moment was unlike anything he had felt. One moment she was smiling, teasing him, laughing at something he had said. Then in the next she was quiet, lost in thought, sad or fearful. He couldn't keep track of the things he had said or done to make her feel that way, and he hoped that they could continue their lunch and their newfound friendship. At least he thought that was what it was. Maybe it was something different to Ellana. Maybe he and his dreams were just something that made her curious, maybe she didn't feel the same.

As he walked out of the restroom and back toward the table, he noticed that Ellana was gone and Cassandra sat in her place. A cold feeling weaved its way down his spine as he drew closer, the look on Cassandra's face said it all.

"I am sorry Solas, she left. She looked sick, or scared. What did you do?"

He sat across from Cassandra, not acknowledging that she had spoken. He placed his head in his hands and took a deep breath before looking into a face that was a mixture of frustration and concern.

"I don't know. But I will fix it."

* * *

 

 

 

_Mythal was dead._

_Elvhenan had been turned upside down, in the space of less than a day. The coup in the night made against the All-Mother, by her children, her kin, had thrown their world into chaos. A chaos unlike any age the world had known so far, even with millennia of wars and battles. The tentative peace of the the last hundred years died along with her, and the Evanuris reveled in the ashes left behind. They had become mad with power, corrupted by their own greed, and the people would suffer for their sins while they grow ever richer._

_Not one of them would take the blame for it._

_As he crossed the threshold to the temple, he was assaulted with the overwhelming stench of death and rot and burnt corpses. The only thing keeping him moving toward the inner chambers was the fear for his vhenan, his Ellana'as, the need to know if she had met her end like so many others. It was dangerous for him to be here, he would be killed if he was caught, but he would not survive not knowing what had become of her. He should have been here to protect her, to protect them both._

_She had warned him so many times of something that would happen, and each and every attempt was met with disbelief or the foolish pride he felt for himself, that he would surely know if something were to happen. What a fool he was to think he knew better than a seer, that her visions were nothing compared to the belief that he knew best. Mythal had paid the price for his pride, and Ellana'as-_

_He would never forgive himself. If he was sure of nothing else in his immortal lifetime, that would always remain his one truth._

_He stood outside the door to the grand reception chamber, Mythal's own lie just beyond that. He knew he would find what remained of her within, the Evanuris left everything to rot after their leave, not even deeming her worthy of the burial she should have had._

_The temple was silent, no sound heard save for his footsteps echoing through the hall. Fen'Harel could not bring himself to open the door, his hands trembled and he pressed his forehead against the cool stone as he willed himself to find the strength. He took a deep breath and stepped back to blast open the doors._

_What he saw beyond was something that would burned into his memory as long as he lived._

_It was Ellana'as, sprawled across the floor in the center of the chamber just outside Mythal's own. He could feel the chill of heavy magic in the air around him, and he ran across the room and dropped to his knees at her side._

_She was dead._

_She had been posed here afterward, left in the center of a circle made of owl feathers, in a pool of crimson red blood all but dried to the floor. Her dress was practically in shreds, her arms and legs bore dozens of wounds of varying sizes. All made with the talons of an owl. Her face was left unmarred, and save for the color of her skin he could almost believe that she was asleep. Until he saw the deep wound in her throat were she met her end. She was murdered. Murdered and left here for him to find, to taunt him into coming out of hiding._

_She was dead and it was because of him, stupid of him to think they would not come for her. Yet another thing he failed at, in his pride._

_He watched as tears fell on the floor beneath him, and he touched his face to find they were from him. He pulled her from the floor and clutched her to himself, uncaring of the fact that he was now covered in her blood. A great sob escaping into the deafening silence around them. If he had been just a few hours earlier, he could have saved her. She would still be a part of this world, he could not imagine a world without her in it. In a world where he might live for centuries without the beauty of her spirit beside him, while the Evanuris bloated themselves further and justice was never found._

_He set her on the ground gently, cushioning her head with his hand, as if it mattered. He needed to see. He needed to know what she deemed worth dying for, what act or torture was worth her life. He weaved the Fade around him, willing the spirits to show him the events from nearly half a day past. It wasn't difficult, there was much death in this place. The magic would be seared into it's place for eternity, for the depth of the tragedy that occurred. He saw it unfold before him, as if he were there watching as it happened._

_He watched as a man walked toward Ellana'as, where she had been magically chained against the wall._

_Falon'Din._

_Fen'Harel watched as he ran his hands up her body, as revulsion flashed across her face. Watched as she denied feeling anything for Fen'Harel besides what she had been bidden to show by Mythal. He did not believe her, there was fear in her eyes. Well hidden to be sure, but he knew her inside and out, she was the heart that beat outside of his chest. He watched as she denied him, as none other would dare. Denied using her powers for his gain, told him she would rather die than be his. No one said no to Falon'Din. His need to be worshipped was an obsession, and any who did not were slain._

_He watched as great owls appeared, as they tore into her skin, as they marked her skin and she did not cry out. She was far too stubborn to give him the satisfaction. He watched as she fell to the ground, the spell that held her in place ended by the Evanuris who strode toward her. He watched as she was picked up by her throat, and he didn't notice the glint of metal in her hand until it was buried in her throat._

_He watched the surprise register on Falon'Din's face. The surprise that she would end her own life than be used by him. She would destroy herself, rather than be used to find him._

_As the scene before him ended, his tears dried and the shaking stopped, his heartbreak morphed into vengeance. He would not let this deed go unanswered for, as the death of Mythal had. They would pay, all of them. In blood, in power, with their very lives._

_He would not rest until they were destroyed._

_For her._

* * *

 

 

Solas woke screaming.

It took him what felt like minutes to wrap his mind around what he had seen, and to notice that he had been crying as well. Unable to stop shaking he sat up in his bed, grabbed his phone and opened it to Ellana's number before putting it down again. He couldn't text her like this, not now. Not after she had run from the restaurant as she did earlier that day.

If Cassandra were to be believed.

He could feel echoes of Fen'Harel's emotions from the dream, and they were making him sick. The depth of his love for her was more than anything he had felt before, and he felt his heart break alongside the poor God's own. He was sick with the idea of seeing Ellana laying in her own blood, dead by her own hand. The feelings inside crying out for vengeance were so strong he felt like he might throw up. He ran to his bathroom, not bothering with a light. He sunk to his knees and heaved, until there was nothing left to give. 

He laughed darkly to himself, that at least he was right in that seeing Ellana would trigger his dreams. Though he almost wished it hadn't, he could live the rest of his life, happily, without ever having to see that dream again. 

He tried to piece together a timeline of the few dreams he had, though it was difficult. He knew that the one he had previously was a lead up into this one, that it was the final time Fen'Harel and Ellana'as would have met before her death. Before the catalyst that had caused the God to lock his kin beyond the Veil for the rest of time. Solas worried he was going insane, that he was taking his dreams for fact instead of his subconscious. That he was considering now, that he was seeing memories in the Fade of the true Fen'Harel. 

Was that indeed so crazy?

Perhaps he was seeing memories, memories with faces pulled from his life, to supplement those that would be long lost to time itself.

That was one theory he supposed. 

He had a far darker one in mind, though. One that he wasn't ready to start questioning out loud. A theory that would explain how deeply moved he was by the dreams, how he could feel everything that was felt in the Fade. Like he had lived it before. Too many theories, too many thoughts raced through his mind. How could he explain away what was happening? He didn't want to think about why Ellana was also so affected simply by his retelling of a dream. Not yet. He needed time to think.

He was going to go insane.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect this chapter to be so long, but here we are almost 4500 words later. Hopefully that makes up for how long I disappeared for ;_;


	13. Bad Habits

As she waited outside in the cool evening air of the University for Dorian, Ellana pulled a cigarette out of the pack hidden away in her bag. 

It's a horrible habit, she knows.

But it's one that she reserves the right to indulge in when the stress becomes too much.

Today was one such day, the day after she cowardly ran out on lunch with Solas. It all just became too hard, listening to him speak as though a stranger to what happened.

As if he wasn't there as much as she was and the events he spoke of were some fascinating passage of a book he had found, not the terror and tragedy of their lives. It was too much for her, and instead of sitting there, waiting for him to return, she let the fear control her and she fled. 

Ellana didn't flee.

Not while she was Mythal's Seer, not when she was the mighty Inquisitor, not in any of the lives she led until now.

But this was different, this was reliving her torment through the eyes of a stranger, this was Solas bringing up a long-dead past and making her think about him again. About her own death, again.

She hadn't dreamt of the first time, in a very long time. It was always her most painful memory, the fear and helplessness of it all.

Above all the things Ellana feared in life, it was being helpless.

She needed to talk to someone.

 Not Dorian or Vivienne, she just wanted to vent like a normal person. Even if she couldn't express every detail.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and started typing to the one person she could think of to make her feel better.

_[You][4:35 PM]-_

_I did something bad_

  
  
_[Varric][4:36 PM]-_

_On a scale of Hanged Man bar fighting to setting Dorian's mustache on fire, how bad are we talking?_

  
  
_[You][4:38 PM]-_

 _1, both of those were accidents, drunk accidents_  
_2, we were never supposed to speak of that again, on pain of MY death_  
_ & 3... prob closer to Dorian's mustache_

  
  
_[Varric][4:43 PM]-_

 _Oh Freckles_  
_What did you do?_

  
_[You][4:47 PM]-_

 _I've been talking to Solas_  
_& we went to lunch a few days ago_

_[Varric][4:56 PM]-_

_Failing to see the bad here, you could do a lot worse than him_  
_Or you already are, according to someone who shall remain nameless_

 

She rolled her eyes at her overprotective friends, of course they would be gossiping about her love life.

It was unusual of her to even let them know about Cullen, as unfair as that was to him. But she had never managed to quite be able to qualify what he meant to her, other than that she was using his love for her to quell her own eternal loneliness. 

One day she might even believe that lie herself.

Cullen was an eternal complication, a constant source of guilt and shame no matter what lifetime she was in.

She would never forgive herself for how she treated him. He deserved far better than what little of herself she had left to give.

 

_[You][5:01 PM]-_

_Dorian._

  
_[Varric][5:04 PM]-_

_A nameless concerned individual, but back to the bad thing you've done._

  
  
_[You][5:04 PM]-_

 _Right_  
_Well we were having a good time, lots of talking and about halfway through I kind of left him there_

  
  
_[Varric][5:07 PM]-_

_You left him there? He's not THAT boring._

  
  
_[You][5:08 PM]-_

 _it wasn't him Varric_  
_It's me_  
_It wasn't even a date_  
_That's the stupid thing_  
_It was just a friendly lunch and I left him there_

_[Varric][5:10 PM]-_

_Did he bring his bodyguard?_  
_She's not a big fan of me._

_[You][5:11 PM]-_

_What does that have to do with anything?_  
_ & yes, he brought her_

_[Varric][5:12 PM]-_

_Nothing, she just scares the shit out of me._  
_Could probably glare the hair right off my chest._

_[You][5:14 PM]-_

_Well that would be a shame_  
_For Hawke_

_[Varric][ 5:17 PM]-_

_So back to why you left the perfectly nice elf in the middle of a restaurant?_

 

Varric Tethras and his classic dodge at an attempt to draw out his feelings. She smiled at her phone, one day they would admit it to her or preferably to each other. Ellana wasn't picky about which.

 

_[You][ 5:20 PM]-_

_I thought so_  
_Anyway, idk really_  
_I think I have feelings for him_  
_Like real scary gross type feelings_  
_the kind that never ends well for me_

_[Varric][ 5:21 PM]-_

_When was the last time you even tried, Freckles?_  
_Besides the classically handsome and royally fucked up Templar?_  
_ & the handful of not-so-serious men ad women I've seen you with._

_[You][ 5:24 PM]-_

_it's been... a really long time._  
_Like, really really long_

 

 

If only she could tell him actually how long, and that if his past-self knew he was trying to talk Ellana into giving Solas a chance he would have kittens, or very angry words, possibly even start an over-dramatic novel on the absurdity of Ellana's life if he hadn't already.

Again.

_[Varric][5:25 PM]-_

_Before I've known you, then._

_[You][5:27 PM]-_

_Mostly_

 

"Ellana!"

She startled at the angry hiss of her name. Before glancing sheepishly at her friend. 

"Ir'abelas, falon." She smiled widely at Dorian as she dropped the offending cigarette, knowing he wouldn't stay mad at her for long. He had dragged her to sit in on a lecture with him, after all.

"Why are we even here, anyway?"

  
"We can't all laze around all day chatting up handsome elves and playing with paint."  
  
Ellana glared at him, an eyebrow arched. If she weren't so used to his attitude when he was being worked to the bone she may have been offended.  
  
"You are the only son of a prominent Magister, and probably the heir to- well, more money than I'll ever make from playing with paint. You could do whatever you like, Dorian."  
  
She decidedly left out the number of safety deposit boxes, hidden caches of ages-old loot, and off-shore bank accounts in her name, figuring that was neither here nor there.

"Be that as it may, I pulled the best friend card and requested your presence. It isn't my fault that you have a bleeding heart and knew I would not be responsible for what I do to the buffoon who is speaking."  
  
"Yes but that's just it, you could talk circles around this man and his awful time displacement theories. Why are we even here?"

"I am here to listen in on his theories in order to dispute them in my newest article, can't very well craft the insults I need just by reading them. Who are you texting anyway, the elf?"

" _The elf_ has a name, and no, I doubt he'll want to speak to me again. Anytime soon, anyway." Her mouth twisted into a frown as she shook her head. "I was talking to Varric."

 They made their way inside to the lecture hall, and Ellana was surprised at the turn out. 

As they took their seats near the front of the auditorium, DorIan pointed a questioning look toward her.

"What do you mean he won't want to speak to you?"

"I may have ran out on him in the middle of our lunch meeting."

"You mean your date?"

"It wasn't a date, Dorian!"

Ellana groaned and shuffled lower into her seat to avoid letting the Tevinter see the blush that crept fiercely over her face.

They were immediately shushed by a dour looking dwarven girl, and Ellana noticed that the speaker had arrived at the front of the room.

This was going to be a long night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	14. Watched & Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot plot plot plot plot. *finger guns*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a scene in this chapter that gets briefly graphic and has some mentions of blood, so again, please read the tags before reading if you haven't already!

Ellana tried her hardest not to drift off after their third hour sitting in the lecture hall.

Or at least that's how long it felt like she had been sitting there, barely an hour had really passed. She glanced over at Dorian who was typing away on his laptop, most likely taking notes on things he would use against the speaker in his newest article. He was a secret contributor to an underground news website that's popular across Thedas, run by a mysterious mage who simply called himself @MageForJustice.

They mainly specialized in the many ways in which mages, elves, and lower castes of society were oppressed and acted against. But they also had sections for every form of news under the sun, and Dorian mainly contributed to scientific theories and Tevinter Reform sections. Their reason for taking part in this mind-numbing lecture was the former.

 Throughout the lecture Ellana couldn't help but feel eyes on her back, it made her uneasy. When she finally worked up the nerve to turn around and figure out who it was coming from, she caught a black-haired elf smile at her before turning his shockingly blue eyes from her and back toward the speaker. She pointed a glare in the man's direction, but he wouldn't look back at her.

He was beautiful, his dark hair in a braid over his shoulder that reached his waist. He seemed familiar but she couldn't place it, she certainly had never seen the man before. She doesn't even realize that she's still staring when Dorian grabs her hand, startling her out of her thoughts. She whips back around to notice him giving her a strange look and notices that the lecture is near its end. After a few more minutes, the speaker is done and the students around the hall start to pack up their things. Ellana chances a glimpse behind her again, but the elf from before is nowhere to be seen. 

"Are you okay, 'Lana?" Dorian was still looking at her funny, before glancing back to where she kept staring.

She smiled, "Yes Dorian, I'm fine. Just thought I saw..." She trailed off before shaking her head. "Don't worry about it, let's get out of here."

After they're back out in the parking lot, Ellana brushes off the feeling of unease that still sits heavily in the pit of her stomach. Waving off Dorian's offer to come back over to his place and have dinner with him and Mahanon, she gets into her car and makes the short trip back to her apartment. She quickly gets off the elevator on her floor and speeds into her apartment, shutting the door quietly behind her. Partly to avoid Cullen, and partly because she couldn't stop feeling spooked. 

Her original plans were to work on her newest painting, which she had been neglecting since her run in with Solas. So many things had been put off recently, her life was changing in ways that it never had before and she was starting to think that none of it was a coincidence. She needed to get in touch with her contacts, though she knew it was too late for that. It would have to wait till morning, like most other things she needed to do. 

Like apologize to Solas.

If he would even speak to her again, though she wouldn't blame him if he was angry with her. She should never have said yest to meet with him so soon after discovering he was alive, it was too much. He made her feel impulsive, he made her want like she hadn't in so long. She could not afford either of those things now, not while she was so close to making a breakthrough. But it was becoming clear to Ellana that she would have to deal with him sooner rather than later, before he remembered on his own. He was smart, he wouldn't believe that they were just dreams forever. 

If he remembered himself, and Ellana had not told him that she knew..

He would either believe that she didn't remember him, or he would think that that she had deceived him intentionally.

She didn't know which she thought would be the worst outcome. But she knew that when she had first remembered, she wished she wasn't so alone. That someone, anyone else was the same as her. It had taken hundreds of years for her to cope with being _unique_. Vivienne tried to make her believe that it was a good thing, that there was power in knowing, power in remembering the past. Ellana had experienced enough of power and fate, she just wanted to be normal. She wanted to live out her lives in blissful ignorance of all that had come before. Working toward breaking her curse was the one thing keeping her sane for so long, and fueled her in the fight for her future. Drove her forward when she made her first discovery.

Her first contact with an Elvhen, we'll at least since the Inquisition when they had happened upon Sentinels of her lady, Mythal.

It was lifetimes ago, and since then she had never stopped searching. Ellana had only found a handful since then, but had steadily built up a network of contacts that even Leliana would have been proud of.

The hard part had been getting them to trust her and to believe that she was who she said she was, and not just a shadow playing at things they didn't understand. Once they trusted her, they became her support system. Though the old ones stayed out of the modern world, for the most part, sticking to the edges of society while still watching over it. But those were thoughts for another night, she was beyond tired.

Ellana curled up on her couch and turned on the tv, scared of falling asleep.

She was sick of dreaming, sick of the constant reminders that she was never going to be safe. She turned the channel to a documentary with old, grumpy historians arguing over the relevance and truth of a variety of old tomes. 

It didn't take much of that to help her drift off to the Fade.

 

 

* * *

 

 

  _She was surrounded by fire, the stench of death permeating the air. She was beyond caring, her nose used to the smell after being stuck in here for what seemed like hours. Her body was covered in bruises of varying colors and her dress torn beyond recognition, what was left of the hem that grazed the floor drenched in blood. Some of it her own, most of it belonged to the soldiers who died protecting this place, and the Evanuris who was now beyond her reach._

_The woman refused to cry, she would not weep at what they had done to her. She would not weep for the people who were lost, people she had come to care about over the centuries. She would not weep for the All-Mother, who now lies dead in the chamber across from where she was still frozen against the wall, powerless to do anything but watch as the combined forces of the Evanuris stormed this holiest of temples. Frozen in place with magic as her people were slaughtered in the night, caught so off guard that it was painfully easy to cut them down. Forced to listen as the greedy and power-mad children murdered their own mother._

_It was all embarrassingly easy, because who would ever dare storm a temple of Mythal?_

_She scoffed, but it came out a pained sound. The strain of being stuck here for hours was like muted fire in her limbs, screaming out for relief. But the Ellana'as would not scream._

_She would give no God the satisfaction of her heartbreak._

_She wondered when it would be her turn, when whoever remained in the dead Evanuris' chamber would come out to break her. They would not kill her, of that she was sure. She was too great a prize, too gifted with the sight that all Evanuris coveted. With her in their possession, they would be all-knowing and all powerful. She would never let that happen._

_She would end her own life first, before she belonged to someone else._

_But she would have to wait for the opportunity, for her chance when they finally freed her from her bonds. The spell itself was a prison created by an Evanuris and designed to keep a person from moving, from casting any magic at all. It fed on her own mana, and as the hours passed by she felt weaker and weaker._

_When it was broken, she would wait for the perfect moment. She would be far too weakened to cast, even if she hadn't been, she wasn't stupid enough to think she could take on whichever God would present him or herself as her salvation. She looked around the ruined temple for anything that could be of use, but there was nothing nearby but the dead and they had all been stripped of their weapons by the enemy, before they had moved on to looting the temple itself._

_The woman was shaken from her train of thought, by the sound of the heavy granite doors in front of her scraping against the temple floor as they slowly opened._

_Her heart pounded against her chest, but she took a deep breath and cast her eyes down to the ground in front of her. Willing herself to be calm, as the sound of  light yet armored footsteps slowly closed in on her._

_A deep laugh sounded in her ears, the first noise she had heard since the screams had stopped. It sent a chill down her spine, and bile bubbling up her throat._

_Falon'Din, then._

_At least it wasn't Andruil, she mused. The Huntress was far too skilled in the arts of torture, and would most likely keep her alive for days on a whim. Keep her conscious with magic as she delighted in her blood and finding new ways to make her scream._

_But Falon'Din, he could be goaded into ending her. She wouldn't even have to work very hard for it. He was jealous of how much Dirthamen craved her power. Craved her._

_The Lord of Death was a childish man, who needed to be the only one his brother thought of, the only one who was needed._

_She looked up at the God, fury in her eyes. He smiled at her, all gleaming white teeth and no true joy behind it. She would be lying if she said he did not terrify her._

_"How much you have lost, da'varitha. Yet you still have the will for such hatred in your eyes?"_

  _He sauntered toward her as he spoke, seeming calm and collected as if this were just a normal day, and he hadn't just betrayed the woman who brought him into the world._

_She trembled as he approached, unable to hide her fear in the wake of the Guide._

_"Have you lost your voice, Seer? Nothing to say, no words to speak in the face of your salvation?"_

_She met his eyes, incensed that he would speak of himself as such._

_"My salvation? You murder your own mother, and for what? Lands? More people to bleed in your name? You are not my salvation, you are not fit to wear the crown placed on your head by nothing else but the blood that runs through your veins. You are nothing but a child playing god in the shadows of his parents."_

_Her rant was met with a backhand across her face, dazed by the force of it, she laughed. Suddenly she was falling to the ground, and it was a strange sensation after so many hours being trapped against the wall._

_When she recovered from the unforgiving drop to the cold floor, she spoke. "Is that all you've got, Falon'Din? You will have to do much more to make me heel, stronger men than you have tried and lost much in the process."_

_"Men such as Fen'Harel?"_

_He sneered at her, shock apparent in her wide-eyed gaze._

_"Ahh, did you think it was a secret? I am sorry to disappoint you, little Seer. The love that self righteous fool feels for you- will be his undoing. I can promise you this."_

_Ellana'as scoffed, an amused look across her face. "He is nothing to me, other than a friend of my lady, your mother."_ _She blanched at the idea that they had been discovered, they had been so careful. For hundreds of years they met in shadows and secret, so painfully close but never able to be together in the light of day._

_They would use her against him, and now she was certain in her course. She would protect Fen'Harel, it was too late to save Mythal, but it was still not too late for him. She needed to die._

_"Why am I alive?"_

_He laughed again, too close for comfort and his presence so near to her alone was making her ill._

_He ran a clawed finger down the side of her face and down her chest, she shivered in disgust._

_"You alone of all those in this place, in all of Mythal's lands, are worth saving. Your gift is too rare to be wasted in seclusion, you must know how revered you are, Ellana'as."_

_"I am no fool. But you are if you think I would ever obey you."_

_"Not even to save your wolf?"_

_"He does not belong to me, as I have said. He was useful to Mythal, and so I kept him close for her. A means to an end, nothing more. I am a slave, I have done nothing more than what I was bid by my master." She spoke coldly of him, as much as it pained her to do so._

_He lowered himself to where she sat, dejected and exhausted on the ground below where she had been trapped only moments ago. She holds back her revulsion as he places a long-fingered hand over her chest and tries to meet her eyes with a smile. "Your rapidly beating heart says something different entirely. You could be so much more, if you only gave yourself the chance. I could elevate you, you know. Imagine the things you could do, what **we** could do together if you only let me in."_

_She spit in his face._

_"I will never belong to you, Harellan. You deserve nothing more than eternity in the Void, you and all of your wretched kin."_

_Falon'Din stood and slammed his fist into the wall above her head in his fury, shattering the glass that landed over the cold ground below them. Ellana'as glanced at the large shard that landed near her, quickly covering it with her foot. She was so close, he didn't even realize he had just handed her the means to end this._

_She carefully slid the shard near her hand while Falon'Din raged at her from above, before she felt a hand grip her throat and thrust her into the air with her back up against the jagged remnant of the mirror. She refused to cry out in pain as her back was dragged through it, only serving to steel herself for what she must do next._

  _Before he could speak, Ellana'as raised the shard into the air and jammed it into the side of her throat._

_Falon'Din gasped, and placed her on the ground with a hand over her throat to slow the bleeding._

_"What have you done, da'asha?" He spoke to her fondly, as if he cared. But what he cared for was the loss of her as a possession, his edge in the battles for power that would never end._

_"I will be used no longer, by any of you." She choked out, she was getting so cold and her vision was blurring around the edges._

_When she was on the edge of consciousness, she heard his voice again. She could barely make out what he was saying, and she found herself caring less and less as the seconds ticked by._

_"You are too far gone to heal, you made sure of that with the depth of the wound. But there is so much beautiful blood here for me to trap you with, Ellana'as. Or did you not think of that?"_

_She hadn't. Hadn't thought past getting out of the God's grasp._

_He chuckled to himself, " Don't worry, little Seer. I will make sure you remember."_

_She tried her hardest to follow his movements as he ran his fingertips through her blood and crafted delicate and complicated glyphs on the ground around her. As his magic activated, the glyphs disappeared, leaving no trace that they were ever there. The last thing she heard before she lost consciousness was his voice._

_"And I will find you."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys aren't sick of these dream scenes, because I'm not gonna lie they are my favorite.  
> It took me 14 chapters to start making my way to the plot, I'm sorry!
> 
> Thank you for reading, and for all of you lovely people who have left comments and kudos and enjoy the story, you are my constant source of blushing and giddy giggling to myself as my boyfriend looks at me like I'm crazy. So, you know, thanks for that <3


	15. We Never Had Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers!
> 
> I have a tumblr set up (though I have no idea how to use it)
> 
> https://thepiratequeenangel.tumblr.com/
> 
> Feel free to submit prompts or ask questions or say hi <3

Ellana shot up from her where she had fallen asleep on the couch into the waiting arms of her loyal spirit friend.

He had still never grasped the concept of hugging, even after all the years she had known him, so she clung to him and he let her. "Thank you, Cole."

"You needed me." He spoke, simply.

"Ir'abelas, falon. It's the dreams again, worse this time."

"I know, I watched. I couldn't make it stop."

Cole looked distressed, possibly at the concept of her being in pain while he couldn't help her. He knew that he couldn't stop the memories, they weren't manipulations of the Fade, but her life played out before her.

"It isn't your fault, Cole. You know they have to play out as they happened. We've been here before."

"Yes."

Ellana couldn't help the trembling in her arms, but she had been expecting this since her last dream, they never stayed unfinished for long.

"You should tell him."

She took a deep breath before looking at the spirit, bracing herself for what she knew came next.

"Tell who what, Cole?"

"Hopeful but not expectant, we have a chance again. I died, and you blamed yourself but it was never your fault. I would not let them use me again. He would understand."

The spirit was insistent. 

"Cole... have you spoken to him?"

"Yes, but I make him forget. He isn't ready to remember me, but he wants to believe that he can remember you."

Ellana's heart just hurt. She wanted to tell him, so badly it was making her sick.

"I will try, but I make no promises. It is my decision to tell him."

"Thank you."

And with that the spirit was gone, and Ellana would get no more sleep.

She made her way through the dark of her apartment, turning on the lights as she went. She put on a fresh pot of coffee and checked the time on her phone. It was barely five in the morning.

 She opened her messages to Solas, before closing them again and setting her phone on the counter. She tapped her fingers anxiously on the counter, debating with herself.

Would he be up at this hour? She knew now that he ran his own company, surely he awoke early in the morning?

She opened a message again, but not sure where to start.

 

_[You][5:07 AM]-_

_Are you awake Solas_

 

He probably won't even reply, she knew if there situations were reversed she wouldn't right away. But then again he has always been the rational one.

The coffee maker beeped loudly, signaling her salvation was ready. As she poured a cup, her phone vibrated against her counter top and she paused in her movements.

 

_[Solas][5:08 AM]-_

_Unfortunately, yes. Though I hadn't expected to hear from you again, Ellana_.

 

She frowned down at her phone, she deserved that.

 

_[You][5:10 AM]-_

_you deserve an explanation_

_More than an explanation, an apology_

_Ir'abelas Solas_

_Truly._

 

_[Solas][5:12 AM]-_

_I wanted to text you since you left but Cassandra suggested I give you time._

_She told me how you looked when you ran by her._

_I am sorry for whatever it I said that scared you away._

 

"Ugh."

She felt horrible. Of course he would blame himself before her. 

 

_[You][5:15 AM]-_

_I didn't run ._._

_Not exactly, anyway_

_And you shouldn't be apologizing to me, you did nothing wrong_

_I don't know how to explain anything without sounding crazy._

 

_[Solas][5:16 AM]-_

_I could never think you were crazy, Ellana._

_I just want to understand._

_There are so many things I've wanted to speak to you about since that day, but I didn't want to be a bother._

 

_[You][5:17 AM]-_

_Did you have another dream?_

 

_[Solas][5:19 AM]-_

_Yes._

 

_[You][5:19 AM]-_

_I_ _feel horrible._

_I am a coward, and I have so many problems_

 

She paused in her typing, not sure if she should say the next thing she wanted to. Or if she should save it, her fear of sounding crazy to him of all people was prominent in her mind.

 

_[Solas][5:20 AM]-_

_We all have problems, Ellana. I am not perfect._  

_I would listen to you explain all your faults, though I admit I have not been able to find a single one._

Smooth talker.

_[You][5:23 AM]-_

_you just haven't known me long enough to notice them yet_

_Give it time_

_[Solas][5:24 AM]-_

_Only if you'll let me._

_I would like to know you, but the only way I can do that is if you let me in._

 

**_we could accomplish so much, if you would only let me in._ **

"Fuck." A chill ran down her spine at the familiar phrasing, but she refused to let _him_ ruin this for her, he would stay buried in the past where he belonged.

 

_[You][5:25 AM]-_

_I want to, Solas._

_More than anything_

_It might sound crazy but I feel things for you that I haven't felt in- a very long time._

_It  surprises me_

_it scares me._

 

_[Solas][5:27 AM]-_

_would it also be crazy for me to feel things for you?_

_Because I do._

_I've known you barely more than a month, and I care for you._

_I tried to attribute it to the dreams, the fact that I dreamt intensely of a woman who looks like you._

_But now I'm not so sure._

 

_[You][5:31]-_

_What did you dream of this time Solas?_

 

She waited as she watched him type out a reply, the seconds ticking by that felt like hours. This was unfair to him, she needed to come clean. 

 

_[Solas][5:33 AM]-_

_I dreamt that you had died, and I was too late to save you._

_That I had come across your body in a temple, amidst the slaughter of dozens of others._

_I believe Mythal died there as well._

 

 

"Fenehdis."

Her eyes watered as she read the lines, he was close. They were dreaming the same things. Though she hadn't known that Solas had come across her body. Her heart pounded in her chest, how could she not know that? All the time they spent, relearning each other during the Inquisition, he had never mentioned it once. She was no longer sad, but angry.

But she couldn't be angry at  _this_ Solas.

He didn't do anything wrong, aside from meeting her again. She was angry with Fen'Harel, there was a difference. Once he remembered, she thought, then she would be angry with him.

 

_[You][5:38 AM]-_

_You found my body?_

_*The body of Ellana'as?_

 

_[Solas][5:39]-_

_Yes._

_You were lying in the ground, a wound at your throat, surrounded by a circle of owl feathers._

_He watched your death play out in the Fade, it was.. horrible._

_I, Fen'Harel, was devastated._

 

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at how Falon'Din had left her on display like that. He knew that Fen'Harel, or someone would venture into that temple, and took his pleasure knowing that she would be found and marked such a way. She could not believe however, that Solas had never told her that he saw her death, witnessed it for himself in the Fade. That he had been the one to discover her body, she shivered at the thought of how she would feel were the situation reversed. She wouldn't be able to bear it, not in that time. 

Ellana wondered absently at what had become of her body. The vibration of the phone in her hand distracted her from the thought.

 

_[Solas]5:46 AM]-_

_Can I speak honestly?_

 

_[You][5:46 AM]-_

_of course you can_

 

_[Solas][5:47 AM]-_

_The more I dream, the more I start to feel that they are not simply that._

 

_[You][5:47 AM]-_

_What are you saying Solas?_

 

_[Solas][5:49 AM]-_

_I am saying that the more I feel what he feels for her, think his thoughts, I wonder._

_He thinks a lot of the same things about Ellana'as that I think about you._

_I've done my fair share of research into the subject,as well._

 

_[You][5:51 AM]-_

_and what have you discovered?_

 

_[Solas][5:52 AM]-_

_Do you believe in reincarnation, Ellana?_

 

She stared at her phone, this was the moment she had been waiting for. The moment that she could help lead him to the truth.

But she was a terrible, terrible person.

 

_[You][5:54]-_

_I_ _'ve never really considered it tbh_

 

She knew it was wrong, every molecule of her being was screaming it at her. But she wasn't ready yet, even if he was. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3
> 
> I am getting a hang of this frequent update thing, weird right?


	16. Oceans Between You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satinalia approaches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both this story and Vir Assan hit 100 Kudos at the same time??? I never thought I would get that many?  
> Thank you to all the people who put up with my horrible posting schedule and who like my weird stories.

Two weeks had passed since Ellana had let Solas continue believing that his dreams were just dreams.

She had felt terrible since, though she had continued to text him regularly and soon they had resumed their past level of familiarity. He would text her with stories about his newest clients, though he would never out them by name, and make her laugh with all the things he had to deal with on a daily basis. Ellana could tell that he was deeply invested in his career and good at what he did- he had helped build the WWI empire to prove it- but she also didn't get the sense that he was fulfilled. He had spoken of being good at healing magic when he was younger, it was one of the few times he had told Ellana anything of his past. 

She was of course, fascinated.

Not only because he was a mage, that didn't surprise her. But she had never known anything of Fen'Harel before his time as a God, she had assumed he had simply come into being as a spirit like she had. But she didn't even know that for sure, had never asked. Knowing that Solas was a man, a mortal, with a past and a family... Ellana couldn't really wrap her head around that knowledge.

It made him too real, too tempting, and she was trying her hardest to keep them at a friendly distance. The more she learned of him, the more she spoke to him, the harder that became. He was both familiar and completely new, a blank slate that would be destroyed once he figured out the truth.

So she remained at a respectable distance from the man, had danced around any more questions of them meeting again, and had stopped texting him into the early hours of the morning when she wanted to the most. That was when honesty came easiest to her, when she was alone in the silence of her apartment or passing the time painting while she was unable to sleep, which was often.

Ellana had also been dodging Cullen and his frequent attempts to see her over the last few weeks, various texts and voicemail left about how much he missed her and that he was sorry for his behavior. It made her feel guilty because if it weren't for Solas being in her life again, she probably would have given in to him by now.

She had needed him once, needed the pain and the toxic problems he brought into her life, because she was punishing herself. She didn't think she deserved anything real, she was just too damaged to see how wrong she was. She was dreading the Satinalia party just for the fact that she knew that Cullen would be there and it was looming close, just a week away.

She couldn't simply not show up, Hawke would hunt her down and drag her there.

They had spent so much time making sure everything would go perfectly. It would be the party of the year, and if her friends were good for one thing, it was throwing parties for just about any reason. All the preparations that could be taken care of in advance were done, all that was left was waiting until the day itself. All save buying gifts for her friends, she was notorious for doing last-minute gifts and belated presents. This year would be different, she had spent weeks crossing names off of a list, no matter how many lifetimes she had known her friends they were still difficult to shop for.

More than anything was the struggle of finding something for Solas. She wasn't even sure at first if she should give him anything, as much as she wanted to. But since she had made up her mind to let him be in her life, she had decided that she would. It was hard to figure out what would be appropriate, what would keep the delicate balance of friendship that she needed to maintain, without giving him something that would show him just how much she cared for him. 

 She wandered through the kitchen of her art studio around midday, the windows were open to let the cool air in and she shivered as she drew her sweater tight against her body. This was her favorite time of year, when the seasons were just changing and the temperature started to drop.

She hated the heat and longed for cold days and nights where she could leave the windows open and curl up under a giant blanket. She picked up her cup of coffee from a counter top that was littered with the various gifts she needed to wrap today, and made her way over to where her more recent work was stored.

She remembered the day that Solas had appeared here with Varric with a clarity that made it feel like it had happened yesterday. She remembered which painting he had been standing in front of once she had re-entered the room after her mini meltdown, and how hard she tried to pretend she wasn't interested that he had picked that exact one. He'd had no memory of her whatsoever, and had still managed to zero in on one of only a handful of personal paintings she had ever created.

One painted in a style she had originally learned from him, centuries ago. The work itself,  _Dreams of Pride and Sorrow,_ was one of her oldest. It was spelled in old magic to protect it from being ruined by time, and as such still looked as it had the day she painted it. 

This was it. 

She would give Solas the painting that had been inspired by him, by their love, by all of the choices she had made that had led her to where she was now. What she truly should give him was truth, she knew she was running out of time to tell him everything before he came to the realization himself. But Ellana couldn't even picture that conversation in her mind, she was too scared to lose him forever. So the painting would have to suffice, at least for now. It said more than she could about their past, and she hoped that it would be enough. 

 

* * *

 

Ellana sat on the floor in the middle of her studio surrounded by the chaos of everything she had needed to wrap all the gifts she was just finishing up. She had made more of a mess than she intended, and made a face at the idea of cleaning it up before she left for the night. She flinched slightly as three loud knocks to her door broke the silence, and stood up to see who it was. She opened the door and her eyes widened at the giant bundle of flowers she was met with. 

"Ellana Lavellan?", the far-too-cheerful delivery man asked. She couldn't do much besides nod dumbly as she took in the large, and obviously expensive bouquet of Crystal Grace he was holding out for her. "Sign here please, and they're all yours."

She signed quickly and took the flowers, turning back into her studio she sat them on a table so she could rummage around for a vase. Once they were placed inside, she noticed a card she hadn't seen in the middle of the bundle. Who could they be from? Cullen would never send her flowers, and even if he did they would never be Crystal Grace. Increasingly rare across Thedas, the flower was highly prized and hard to find. He also had no idea they were her favorite, the only people who had were long dead or currently did not remember her. The handwriting on the envelope didn't belong to Solas, though he could have sent them through an assistant, but she doubted it. So who could have sent them?

It was addressed to her given name, in an elegant script. No one called her Ellana'as, especially not anyone who would send her flowers. She opened the envelope and slipped a small note from within, she was surprised to see that it was hand-written in fluent Elvhen. Far too perfect and unbroken, so much so that she had trouble reading it, not having the opportunity for a very long time. 

 

_"You look just as beautiful as I remember, Ellana'as._

_We'll be seeing each other very soon, and I won't be foolish enough to let you slip through my fingers a second time."_

 

She reads the note aloud to herself, puzzlement clear on her face. The note is unsigned and the writing itself unfamiliar, but she feels she should know who it could be from. She searched her mind for any possible option, and stopped on a recent memory of the strange black-haired man from the lecture she had attended with Dorian weeks ago. She hadn't known who he was, but had caught him staring at him before he disappeared into thin air. She had a sinking feeling in her stomach that the two were connected. 

She couldn't recall a recent time where her life was this strange, and wondered what she had done differently. It was certainly connected to Solas, but there was something different about this life from all of her others. She placed the letter on top of the bag packed with all of her gifts, and makes a mental note to get in touch with one of her oldest contacts, one of the only people she could share the letter with and see what he thought of it. She didn't want to think too deeply about who else could have sent it, until she contacted him. 

With everything packed, and a delivery date for her gift to Solas scheduled, she left her studio for the night. 

 

* * *

 

Ellana stepped out of the elevator, carefully navigating the hallways of her building with a huge bag of gifts in one hand and balancing the vase of flowers in the other. She wasn't the most coordinated elf in the world, and it would just take one tiny misstep to send everything flying. As she rounded the corner near her apartment she collided with a large human body, she managed to hold onto the flowers but the bag hit the ground and the gifts within scattered themselves across the floor.

"Almost made it inside with no accidents", she stared at the floor in embarrassment before looking up at whoever had caused her to drop everything. "Cullen- of course." She muttered the last bit to herself as she forced a smile on to her face, when she noticed he wasn't alone. She looked over to the woman standing next to Cullen, and suddenly her smile was more amused than it had been. 

"Ahh, I'm sorry to run into you both! Clumsy me, I really should watch where I'm going more carefully", she laughed uncomfortably. 

The woman with Cullen who was tall and blonde and basically the opposite of everything Ellana was, smiled at her warmly. "Not like anyone could blame you, I don't even think I'd be able to see anything around that beautiful bouquet."

Ellana looked down at the flowers she had set carefully on the ground, they really were quite lovely, before she smiled back at the woman. "I'm sorry just the same, I didn't mean to make you both late to wherever it is you're off to. I'm Ellana by the way, Cullen's neighbor."

Cullen coughed uncomfortably as he glared at the flowers on the floor instead of conversing with the women, and Ellana took that as her cue to leave before things got awkward.

"Lovely to meet you Ellana, I'm Caroline." She glanced at Cullen who was still staring at the flowers as if they'd offended him, "Cullen, we really should be going..."

Cullen seemed to snap out of whatever it was he was thinking about, and smiled awkwardly at Caroline. "Of course, see you later Ellana."

He rushed past her, leaving his date to catch up to him in his hurry to get away from Ellana, and she just knew that was going to turn into a conversation later. She waved as Caroline rushed after him, and turned the key in the lock of her apartment and picked the vase off of the ground before going inside. Her phone vibrates as she sets down all of her things and she rummages through her bag for it.

 

_[Cullen][7:43 PM]-_

_I didn't think you were going to be home tonight Ellana, I'm sorry_

_[You][7:43 PM]-_

_Are u seriously texting me rn Cullen? Have u even made it all the way out of the building?_

 

She rolls her eyes in annoyance, she knew there would be a conversation but she wasn't expecting him to try to have it while obviously on his way out with a woman. Someone beautiful and nice and not Ellana, she couldn't have been happier to get out of that drama, but of course nothing could ever be easy. 

 

_[Cullen][7:46 PM]-_

_Very funny. & Yes I'm sitting in a cab right now_

 

_[You][7:47 PM]-_

_Yes, with a nice woman you're on a date with._

_STOP texting me, it's rude._

 

_[Cullen][7:49 PM]-_

_I just don't want you to get the wrong idea, Ell._

_She's a coworker, and she asked me to come for a drink with some other people from work._

 

_[You][7:50 PM]-_

_I will bet you a sovereign thay there aren't any people waiting for you when you get there_

_She's got u on a date Cullen_

_No woman dresses up like that & shows up to the apartment of a coworker _

_when you could just meet them there_

 

She would never understand how he was completely unaware of his effect on women. 

 

_[Cullen][7:53 PM]-_

_...Really?_

_[You][7:54 PM]-_

_Obvi_

 

_[Cullen][7:54 PM]-_

_Maker's breath, I had no idea._

_You text like a child, by the way._

 

_[You][7:56 PM]-_

_If u don't like it, don't text me_

_Actually, don't text me anyway_

_ur on a date_

 

_[Cullen][7:57 PM]-_

_It really doesn't bother you that I'm apparently on a date?_

 

_[You][8:00 PM]-_

_We've never been exclusive Cullen_

_I don't care who you date_

_I don't care who you fuck_

 

_[Cullen][8:02 PM]-_

_I haven't, you know_

_slept with anyone else._

_Have you even given any thought to what we spoke about?_

 

_[You][8:03 PM]-_

_idc & no i havent_

_Do u seriously want to do this right now?_

_You. Are. On. A. Date._

_stop texting me or by the creators i will kill u_

 

After a few minutes had gone by with no reply from Cullen, she tossed her phone over onto the couch before grabbing a beer out of the fridge and returning to her living room. She sat on the couch and leaned her head back against the wall, wondering why she couldn't just continue on in relative peace in her normal state of self-destruction and denial.

Thinking over her strange day, she was reminded of her need to text her old friend.

She really didn't want to involve him, but she knew he would involve himself anyway before long and that if she didn't contact him first he would be even more unpleasant to be around than he normally was.

She grumbled to herself, before pulling up his contact information in her phone. 

_[A][8:23 PM]-_

_I'm not sure yet what exactly it is_

_but i might have a problem_

_Call me when you can_

_pls_


	17. Don't Let Me Go

  _"I do hope the time we wasted doing that ritual was worth it, Inquisitor."_

_Morrigan spoke, and as usual it grated on Ellana's nerves. She'd had just about enough of the arrogant shemlen who thought she knew more about the Elvhen than anyone else. Especially here in this place where Ellana had spent a great portion of her own life, where she had died._

 " _The time was not wasted, but well spent. We are close to what we seek now, I know it."  She knew the location of the Vir'Abelasan already, or the Well of Sorrows as Morrigan called it,  but she couldn't skip the opportunity to pay obeisance to her lady one last time. It would have been considered a grave insult to refuse it in her own time and though Mythal was gone, Ellana would not feel right to do so._

_The group wandered into a once-great chamber, the walls had faded with time and there were tiles missing or shattered across the ground, but Ellana still felt like she was home. She glanced back at Solas and smiled before sensing something in the air. The further they walked into the chamber, the stronger that feeling became until Ellana motioned for the group to stop._

_"We're not alone here anymore, we're being watched."_

  _Elvhen archers appear on both sides and Ellana looked to the ones ahead of them. They were clearly Sentinels of Mythal, she would know the armor and the Vallaslin anywhere._

_How long had they slept here, undisturbed until Corypheus had desecrated this place? It infuriated Ellana, they should have peace and slumber, not be forced to wake to defend this long-abandoned place of a dead woman._

_"Venavis."_

_Ellana looked to the one who had spoken, and her eyes widened in recognition. She opened her mouth to speak his name, before remembering herself and what company she was in. She couldn't very well explain her knowledge of an ancient elf that they had only just stumbled upon._

  _The man looked upon her face, studying her as he spoke and Ellana felt uncomfortable under his gaze._

_"You.. are unlike the other invaders. You have the features of those who call themselves Elvhen." He spoke down to her, as though he thought she was less. He probably did, and the thought made her want to roll her eyes. "You bear the mark of magic which is... familiar."_

_Ellana held her head up high, and spoke confidently to the condescending Sentinel. "It is true, I bear a mark given to me by the abomination who disturbed your slumber. We seek passage through this place to destroy him, we mean you no harm."_

_She spoke in common, though it pained her to do so. If only she could speak to him in their language, she could explain more clearly. Perhaps there might still be time before they reached their destination._

_"I am called Abelas. We are Sentinels, tasked with standing against those who trespass on sacred ground. We wake only to fight, to preserve this place. Our numbers diminish with each invasion."_

_Ellana saddened at that thought, how many times since she died had this place come under attack?  Who would seek to disturb this place, where only death and misery remain?_

_"I know what you seek. Like all who have come before, you wish to drink from the Vir'Abelasan."_

_Morrigan interrupted to tell her he spoke of the Well, to which Ellana just glared at her a moment before returning her attention to Abelas._

_"It is not for you, it is not for ANY of you."_

_Ellana needed to do something and quickly, before they lost this chance forever and would be forced to fight their way through the Sentinels. She didn't know if that was something she could stomach doing, even for the Inquisition._

 

* * *

 

Ellana woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of her phone vibrating against her nightstand. She picked it up to read the name, noticing her contact was getting in touch quicker than she thought.

"Hello?"

""Ellana'as."

She sighed, relieved to speak to someone she trusted with her thoughts.

"I didn't think you would get back to me so soon, Abelas."

"Something worries you, eosalahn'mah."

She groaned at his choice of title, while she thought about how best to phrase what she wanted to say, "it may be nothing, I'm still not sure if anything connects. But I have a feeling that something isn't right, and I fear placing a name to what it is."

"In my experience you have rarely ever been wrong, what is it you require of me?"

Ellana smiled at his readiness, since she had barely spoken to Abelas in years. She'd had no reason to, since he preferred to remain on the outskirts of the world. She had tried many times to get him to integrate into society, but he would not, keeping to the old ways as best as he could.

The only exception he made for modern convenience was the cellphone he kept, Ellana's insistence so she could keep in touch with him or he with her. Though talking to him on it was still a bit strange, just the same as it still was with Solas, her mind had not caught up with the fact that they are both no longer of the past. 

"Are you near to the city? I think there is a small chance that I may need you." 

"If something worries you that gravely, you know what you must do." 

Ellana's jaw clenched involuntarily at the mention that she knew was coming, of course it would be his first suggestion. 

"It's not that simple, Falon. You know that I am mortal now, and with the Veil the way it is... -what I would gain may not be worth the risks."

Ellana couldn't remember the last time that she had called upon her power, doing so grew more dangerous as time raged on. The world was travelling farther and farther away from its magical roots with each passing day, and who knew what would happen if she were to try now. It once would have been as easy as breathing to summon her power, and she wouldn't have had to do it asleep like she would have to now. But she knew that Abelas was right if it was what she feared, she would need to be absolutely sure. 

She heard him sigh disapprovingly into the phone before he spoke, "I am at least a day away, Ellana'as. Try not to do anything reckless until I am close." 

Ellana rolled her eyes at his tone, but she knew he was right and only worried because he cared in his own way. She trusted Abelas more than almost anyone, he'd been there for her through the centuries in a way no one else could be.

"Yes, Abelas. Once you arrive in the city I will try, Dar'eth Shiral."

"Sule tael tasalal, Ellana'as."

As she hung up the call, she realized that she had meant to bring up Solas' appearance in her life. She shrugged, that could wait until he got here so that she could see the disapproval on his face instead of just hearing it in his voice. Ellana couldn't imagine that being a fun conversation, but it was a necessary one. She would have to tell him all of the differences that she'd come across, and explain what she feared. 

Falon'Din.

Her eternal nightmare, the man who haunted her dreams more than any other.

Ellana was terrified, and the more she thought about her theories the worse it became. She had kept him from her thoughts and dreams for as long as she could remember, Cole helped sometimes when it was too hard for her to do herself. 

She paced through her apartment, first making coffee, but realizing the caffeine probably wasn't the best for her anxiety. She attempted to sit down and work, but couldn't focus on that either. Ellana glanced over to her kitchen, where she kept what she would need for when Abelas arrived.

She should make sure that she has everything she'd need, at least. 

It would be a shame to be unprepared and have to call in an order, Abelas hated waiting. She wandered over to a locked cabinet near her sink, with a wave of her hand the lock opened. She took a peek inside, rummaging through several different bottles of herbs and different medicinal pouches. She rarely mixed potions or anything of the sort anymore, but she always kept a stock just in case. 

She finally located the small bottle she had been looking for, and dumped it's contents onto her counter. Five small blue tablets rolled across the surface, though she'd only need two for what she needed to accomplish. 

Ellana hated taking lyrium. 

But it would be necessary if she even wanted to attempt to enter the Fade, which was what she needed to do. She needed the answers that could only be found subconsciously now, and even then it wasn't a guarantee. This was one of the rare moments that Ellana hated being mortal, hated being weaker than what she was. 

She popped three of the tablets back into the bottle, and locked the cabinet. As time ticked on, it was getting harder for Ellana to justify waiting for Abelas. She was the world's least patient person, and waiting for answer was going to drive her insane. Maybe she could start it herself? She didn't know how long it would take her to even enter, and more than that how long she would be on the other side for.

It was dangerous, of course. 

She knew the risks, but also that she was the only one who could see ahead. 

She sat on the floor of her living room, and swallowed the two tablets of Lyrium. There was no going back now, she would have to go forward with meditation. She crossed her legs and focused on her breathing, paying attention to nothing but the air entering and leaving her body. As time passed she could feel the stillness of her body and the lyrium coursing through her veins, before she knew it she had crossed into the Fade. 

 She wandered through the desolate land of the raw Fade, ignoring the smaller spirits and shades that floated around her. She hated travelling the expanse of nothingness, hated wasting her time searching for something that should come naturally to her. As she explored she felt something like a pull, compelling her to follow it. It wasn't what she was looking for, but curiosity got the better of her. 

As she drew closer to the source of the pull, a shimmering wall appeared in front of her. She knew now what had drawn her, and stood outside of the barrier nervously. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes before she stepped forward into what she was sure something she would regret later. 

She opened her eyes to a sight she had long-forgotten about, the mid morning light of the library in Skyhold.

Her heart hurt at the near perfect recreation of the Fade, and her eyes traveled the room in awe. She hadn't thought of this place in so long, for obvious reasons. She settled her sight on the table in the center of the room, familiar clutter scattered across the top. She smiled as she ran her fingers over various research papers and ancient tomes, laughing at the cup of untouched tea off to the side.

"Is something funny, vhenan?" A voice called to her from the scaffolding above. 

She gasped and whirled around to meet the voice and looked up into the familiar eyes of Solas, staring at her with a smile pulling on the corner of his mouth.

She knew this was a bad idea.

She cursed herself for setting foot in here, into a memory of his. She had two options, she could stay and play out whatever it was he was remembering, or she could disappear and he would go on as if she had never intruded.

It was too tempting to stay, to see what he found important enough to remember. Things that his subconscious self want him to know. She could stay for a moment, at least. 

She smiles up at him, still staring down at her. "It was nothing, Solas. Have you been up there long?"

"Just long enough to start on your most recent triumph, Inquisitor. Though I think it might be too ambitious, even for myself."

Ellana snorted, "not something I've ever heard too often from your mouth, ma'lath."

He rolled his eyes fondly, and gracefully dropped to the floor in front of her. Her face fell slightly as she noticed which panel he had started on, and he noticed the change immediately.

"Something troubles you, Ellana'as." His eyes scanned her face, and he was painfully close to her. She could feel her emotions welling up inside, and were amplified by the Fade. She could not remember being this close to him, it had been too long. She could reach out and hug him, kiss him, he would welcome it. He would remember her. She could feel this Solas, his presence and his magic like he was still real. 

He was complete and whole in a way that she ached for the Solas of her time to be. She hated lying to him, hated keeping secrets that were his as much as they were hers. It was killing her, she couldn't continue to lie to him. She needed to figure out a way to tell him the truth in the waking world. It needed to come from her, he deserved that much after what she had done to him. 

She reached up to his face, running her thumb over his cheekbones and he leaned into her touch. "It's nothing, my wolf. I only came to grab a tome Josephine was looking for, I didn't mean to interrupt your painting." She faked a smile as best she could, but she could tell he was not convinced.

She should have known better than to try and fool the Dread Wolf.

He grabbed her hand as she lowered it from his cheek, and narrowed his eyes. "Something is different about you, what is it?"

Dammit. 

"It's nothing, vhenan. I suppose I'm just worried for the outcome of everything we are doing. You know that I hate not knowing, not being able to see easily. It makes me-" she sighed and cleared her throat, "-uneasy, I guess."

For a moment she didn't think he believed her, but then he pulled her into his arms and she froze. She could do this, just one embrace and she could leave. She would back out of this place and back toward her goal. 

Solas wrapped his arms around her body and she relaxed into him, breathing in the scent that was most familiar to her in all of the world, in all of time. She would never forget what this felt like, and it was bringing her to tears. She pulled back slowly, and it was almost a physical pain to separate from him again. But she had things she needed to do, and the longer she spent in here the more dangerous it would get for her body and her mind. 

"You are unique even without your sight, always remember that." Solas let her go slowly, and turned to sit down at his desk as Ellana moved to leave. "I will see you later, vhenan."

She turned back toward the door to the main hall, and tried not to run out of the room and back into the raw Fade. Once outside the barrier again, she dropped to the ground and sobbed. She felt ridiculous, but everything she felt and tried so hard to keep bottled up inside was magnified in this place. It was too hard to be strong, too hard to not let herself feel. 

From where she sat wallowing outside of her lover's dream, she saw a glint of something in the corner of her eye. 

A spirit. 

Small and new, it glowed from afar and Ellana could swear it was trying to get her attention. She stood up again, and moved to catch up to the tiny being. 

"Hello, Spirit." Ellana greeted it, hoping it was sentient enough at this point to speak with her. 

"You're not like the other elves I've seen here. You were like me once!" The spirit was energetic, and bounced around as it spoke to her.

She smiled at the being, "It's surprising for one as young as you to sense that. But yes, a long time ago I was like you. What brought you here?"

It continued its motion, nauseating Ellana as she tried to follow it around. "I was sent to show you, she said that you might get lost here! You're looking for your vision, right?"

Ellana just nodded, baffled. No one but Abelas knew that Ellana would come here, and even he thought she was waiting for him. 

"Follow me, Ellana'as. That's a funny name for a spirit, you know." It laughed at her. She'd never heard a spirit laugh before, it was strange even for her.

"I haven't been a spirit in a very long time, little one. Where are we going?"

"It's not too far from where Fen'Harel dreams, I'll show you!"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Dar'eth Shiral - Go safely on your journey  
> Sule tael tasalal || Until we meet again
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	18. Shadows of the Mess We Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana wakes in the arms of Abelas, and the physical aftermath of her journey into the Fade.

 

Ellana stepped into the familiar barrier of her piece of the fade, the magic of the place untouched by time. Her sense of peace was short lived, before it was interrupted by the vision of chaos as it erupted around her.  
  
She was in the city, but it was corrupted, perverted from anything resembling the modern time. Angry green light burst forth from what should have been the scar left behind from the breach. The mark hundreds of years closed, was open again and demons spilled forth from within. There were screams of terror, the bodies of helpless people littered the streets caught in the wake of whatever had happened here.

She could feel death in the air, feel the power seeping from the Fade after centuries of being blocked off from the world. But it was too much and far too fast, the world was suffering for it. The Veil between wasn't just torn, bit being ripped to shreds. Ellana looked around in horror at the destruction, almost overwhelmed at the pain she could feel surrounding her.

Until she spotted it.

Deeper within the city, almost directly underneath the Breach in the center of all the chaos was a monstrous and ancient temple that had no place in this time. Had no right to exist in this world or to ever be seen again.

Elgar'nan's Stronghold.

The temple in which Fen'Harel had tricked all of the Evanuris into gathering once upon a time. Where he had locked them all away so many lifetimes ago. 

The vision faded upon sight of it, and shifted into a silence that was almost deafening after the minutes spent in view of a future she would wish on no one.

She was in a large room, almost empty of any decoration but familiar in a way that she couldn't place. She turned to take in her surroundings and was surprised to see herself, or at least the vision's version of her, standing eerily still and as silent as everything else. 

Her hair was set in loss waves down her shoulders, save for where it was weaved into an intricate braid down the back of her head. She was dressed in pure white silk, draped across her body in a painfully old style, one that reminded her of when she was styled as best pleased Mythal. Her living doll to be displayed when and how she saw fit, as the only Evanuris to lure a rare spirit of Insight. The only one who had succeeded in molding one into a tool used for her bidding, of it's own free will. 

The only difference of her appearance that bothered Ellana was a golden collar fit around her throat. She tried to speak, but no sound would come out. It was as if someone had muted everything, and the heaviness of it was beginning to unnerve her.

She noticed the Fade version of herself look past her, fear clear as day on her face. Ellana turned to see what caused the change, and felt herself go pale at the sight. 

Falon'din and Fen'Harel stood side by side at the entrance to the chamber, one smiled while the other's expression was one of sorrow. 

 

 The God of Death moved slowly toward Ellana, stepping around her to come face to face with her other self. He cupped her face gently in his hand, sliding it down slowly till his thumb rested on her full bottom lip. His other hand caressed her golden collar as he smiled at her. 

The vision simultaneously enraged and terrified Ellana, wondering how this could possibly be interpreted in a way that she -and the world- wasn't fucked.

" _Ellana'as!"_

Her rapidly shifting thoughts stopped with the first sound she had heard in what felt like hours. It sounded impossibly far away, wherever the voice had come from, and didn't come from any of the people in the room.

When Ellana tutned to try and find the source of sound, she noticed that Solas still stood at the entrance, his gaze locked on Falon'Din, though his gaze was now possessive and angry. 

She rolled her eyes, though she was secretly pleased. She hadn't seen that look in a very long time, and it made her ache for him in a way that she wasn't sure would ever go away.

_"Ellana'as! Wake up!"_

She felt disoriented, unable to focus any longer on the scene in front of her, and it was frustrating.

She knew now that the voice was coming from outside of the Fade, Abelas must have reached her. It was only a matter of time before he tore her from her vision. 

She rushed to Fen'Harel, who didn't even seem to notice that she was in front of him. 

"What significance do you play in this future, Vhenan?"

She looked up at him sadly, taking in the beauty and power of his former self. She had a horrible feeling, and she couldn't figure out what role he would take in the horrors that were to come.

The vision grew unstable, blurry. She felt agonizing pain and cried out to Solas as she was ripped from the Fade.

* * *

 

Ellana woke screaming, she could feel the perspiration soaking through her clothes and the tears that streamed down her face. She blinked blearly, trying to clear the blurriness from her eyes as she caught her breath. She looked upward and into the face of Abelas, who was staring down at her with concern. She groaned and shut her eyes, knowing that she was in for a lecture. _No one_ lectured as well as an ancient Sentinel, especially the one currently sitting underneath her in her living room. 

"Well that wasn't supposed to happen..." She mumbled awkwardly, too afraid to look at the elf again. "I can feel the disappointment rolling off of you, Abelas. Get it over with."

The man sighed as he lifted her up into a sitting position, "I believe I was clear, when I asked you to do nothing reckless before I got here."

"Very much so, clear as crystal. But you know me, not so good at being patient."

"Ellana-"

She put one of her hands over his, the effort of it almost greater than she could manage, interrupting him. "- I know, Falon. I know, ir'abelas. I didn't think it would turn out so badly." 

She stood shakily with help from Abelas, and made her way to her bathroom to take a look at the damage. She looked into the mirror and sighed deeply, she looked like shit.

She was far paler than usual, with dark purple circles underneath her eyes. A stream of now-dried blood crusted beneath her nose and down one side of her face,  her lips were chapped and hurt to touch. She felt as though she'd been run over by a truck, her ribs and much of the rest of her body sore to the touch. She thought for a moment of attempting to heal herself, but she was always shit at it, and in her current state would probably make things worse. 

She knew who she needed to call. 

She would need to explain things to Abelas first, there was too much to go over and she didn't want to surprise him. Especially with what she had seen in the Fade.

She shook her head, not wanting to think about that while she was in so much pain. 

"You need to bathe, and a healer."

She jumped slightly at the voice from behind her, and nodded her head to the suggestion. 

"You're right, but afterwards there are things we must speak of."

 

* * *

 

 

"You're certain?"

Abelas stared at the floor, letting the onslaught of information sink in. After her hollow attempt at a shower, she had given up and returned to her living room where Abelas had remained waiting. Once she had started speaking she couldn't stop, relieved to speak plainly and honestly with someone who could understand.

She had told him of her first run in with Solas and how he had remembered nothing, told him of how she had left him in the middle of their meeting. She had told him of the dreams he was having, and of the strange man she had seen. Even of the flowers she had received, which Abelas had since been looking over at every few moments. 

"As certain as I can be, I'm afraid. You know that what I see is never exact, and that it isn't always simple."

He nodded, "And Fen'Harel?"

She shook her head, "He remembers nothing, yet. But it's only a matter of time. I saw him in the Fade, and he is getting closer to the truth."

"What will you do when he remembers?"

Question of the year.

She still had no idea what she would do, because she had no idea how Solas would even react. With his memories and his current self combined, she couldn't think of how he would feel. She only knew that she didn't want to face what she had done, and that was why she hadn't tried to speak to him of it yet. 

"He called you when you were asleep, sometime yesterday."

Ellana's eyes widened, "yesterday? How long have I been asleep?"

"I arrived the day after we spoke, and you would not answer my calls or the door when I made it here. You've been unconscious for almost three days, Ellana'as."

It was worse than she'd thought, she'd forgotten how quickly time passes in the Fade. The things she had seen were worth the loss of time, at least to her. Though she was too weak to show Abelas, telling him would have to do. She only had a day remaining before Satanalia, after which she could focus all of her attention on the problems ahead. 

"It was worth the price, Abelas. I would gladly pay it again to learn the things I've seen."

"You left yourself unprotected, what would you have done if it was not I who found you first?"

She flinched at the anger in his voice, but it was deserved. She hadn't even thought of that when she'd settled into her trance. She wanted to save all of her mana for the Fade, and hadn't even set up wards to protect herself. He was right to chastise her, she had been stupid and in a rush for answers. 

"You are right, I'm sorry. It was foolish of me, especially given what I was worried about. But it is done, and I do not regret it. There are choices to be made of what I saw."

"I am not leaving, you obviously cannot be trusted with your own safety. At least until what you've seen has come to pass."

She raised an eyebrow at her friend, but did not disagree with him. If she was being honest with herself, it was nice to have someone that worried for her well-being.

"Of course, my friend. I would be glad to have you here, for as long as you deem necessary."

 


	19. What We Leave Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, five months later >_>
> 
> I'm so beyond sorry!  
> Life is rough, man.  
> I'm trying to get back into the swing of updating/figuring out how I want to proceed. 
> 
> Comments/Criticism encouraged & appreciated while I do that!

_Mornings in Skyhold._

_The only time he was left alone for any significant amounts of time, free to paint the feats of his love and her Inquisition while the workers bustled around the keep getting ready for the day and what it would bring. He breathed the morning air in deeply, savoring the peace of his favorite time of day, before Dorian would inevitably stumble in and ruin it. He had mixed his paints and settled in for his latest work, when the door opened below him._

_He felt her before he heard her, his vhenan. Her presence was the most familiar thing he would ever feel, and he counted himself lucky for it and everything else that had to do with her. He looked over from his place among the scaffolding to see her standing at his desk with her back facing him, he could hear her giggling to herself._

_"Is something funny, Vhenan?" He called down to her._

_He watched, amused as she spun to face him, her face flushed beautifully at the sight of him, she startled to see him there. He watched her face as she seemed to run through thought after thought, each one changing her expression slightly until she settled once more into a calm smile._

_"It was nothing, Solas. Have you been up there long?" She asked, almost too casually._

_"Just long enough to start on your most recent triumph, Inquisitor. Though I think it might be too ambitious, even for myself." He admitted._

_"Not something I've ever heard too often from your mouth, ma'lath."_

_He rolled his eyes at her teasing before dropping down to greet her properly. He stood directly in front of her now, but she seemed not to notice. Her eyes were focused on the work he had barely started, and there was pain on her face. "Something troubles you, Ellana'as." He could sense the tension in her, the emotions rolling off of her, that she was usually so good at keeping controlled._

_After more silence, she smiled sadly and reached a hand to his face. He softened as she ran her fingertips over his face, as if she were trying to commit his features to memory._

_"It's nothing, my wolf. I only came to grab a tome Josephine was looking for, I didn't mean to interrupt your painting." She said as she released his face from her touch, faking a smile that didn't reach her eyes. Did she really think he could not tell when she was hiding something, when she was sad?_

_He grasped her hand in his as she lowered it from his face, "Something is different about you, what is it?"_

_"It's nothing, vhenan. I suppose I'm just worried for the outcome of everything we are doing. You know that I hate not knowing, not being able to see easily. It makes me uneasy, I guess."_

_Of course she would be troubled by her responsibilities. She worked tirelessly for her Inquisition, for the people, for him. Her empathy and commitment to making the world better, to fixing his mistake, was boundless. Even though she was missing the ease of her abilities, as time passed it became harder and harder for her to see any outcome. He knew she was constantly troubled by it. She was a wonder, the only one in the world, in this time or any other that he has loved without end._

_He quickly pulled her into an embrace, listening to the small gasp she let out as he folded his arms around her frame. She was stiff and uneasy for only a moment before she seemed to melt into him, they stood like this for what seemed like minutes before she was pulling away from him again, which made him frown._

_"You are unique even without your sight, always remember that." He released her slowly before turning to sit at his desk,  "I will see you later, vhenan."_

_She barely took the time to smile at him before rushing through the door, which shut loudly behind her. He waited until he could feel her no longer before starting work on the piles of paper upon his desk._

 

 

* * *

  _[You][9:47 AM]-_

_Lily._

_[LilianTheChamp][9:47 AM]-_

_Lana._

 

Ellana looked at her phone, pleasantly surprised that her friend was awake so early for once. She was expecting not to hear back until at least noon, but now she could get this taken care of early.

 

_[You][9:48 AM]-_

_I need a huge favor._

_And I also need u not to ask me why_

_when i tell u what it is_

 

_[LilianTheChamp][9:50 AM]-_

_Okayyy._

_Scaring me a bit, but I'll bite_

_What is the favor that I absolutely can't_

_(but probs will )_

_ask you about?_

 

She knew she would regret asking her friend for this favor, Ander's was always a sore topic of conversation for Lily and a number of her other friends. But there was no denying that when you needed healing, he was the best that you could turn to in your time of need. She'd only met him a few times before, and she wouldn't have even bothered Lily with it, if only he wasn't so damned difficult to locate for everyone but her.

Even in this life, where he didn't spend his free time blowing up Chantries. 

 

_[You][9:51 AM]-_

_I need Anders._

 

* * *

 

"So you're not going to tell me how you came by these injuries?" The healer looked up at her from examining the bruising on her arms. She was surprised when he spoke, she had been sitting there for what felt like an hour while he examined the whole of her. Dissaproval that could put Abelas to shame rolling off him and into the silence of the room. 

"Would you believe that a bear happened to be in the center of the city? Barely escaped with my life, but I managed to take it down." 

Anders didn't laugh, didn't chuckle, not even a smile. He only looked at her with an eyebrow raised as though waiting for the truth. "You spend too much time with Hawke."

 "No, I'm not going to tell you how I injured myself." She sighed, "can you fix me? I'd really hate to show up for Satinalia covered in bruises, I'd rather spend my night drinking instead of answering those questions."

"Yes, Ellana. I can fix your injuries. Most of them anyway. You're going to have to live with some bruising, and you also need to eat something and drink some water. No coffee, water."

Ellana opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off before she could start. "I understand that you won't tell me how you've injured yourself. But you mistake me for an amateur if you don't think that I can see the signs of overextending yourself within the Fade. Mana exhaustion is not a joke, Lavellan. I'm not going to ask you what you were doing, or how you could be so stupid to stay there for so long. But you need to take care of yourself, which means hydration and nutrition, as well as staying on this side for as much time as it takes your body to recuperate. Do I make myself clear?"

Ellana was getting pretty sick of being of being lectured today. Even when they were right.

"Yes, Anders. I understand. It wasn't something I decided to do lightly, and it's not something I'm excited to try again anytime in the foreseeable future. Don't worry, even I'm not that stupid."

He nodded his head, seemingly placated enough to continue silently healing her.

 

 

Ellana sat in a cab after her visit with Anders, feeling like she had been there for for longer than the almost hour she had been there. She had needed fairly extensive healing, and he really was the best. She could barely feel the pain she'd been living with for the better part of the day, the only things she had left to show for it were a few light bruises left on her arms and on her ribs. But those would heal on their own in time, and she could cover the visible ones with makeup for the party. But Ander's was right that it was stupid of her to stay in the Fade for such a long period, any longer and she may not have recovered. 

There were places that were full of mages who had attempted what she had, if they could really be called mages anymore. Of the ones lucky enough to survive it, most never woke again. Their minds lost forever within the fade, the connection to their bodies lost forever. 

 

She shook the unppleasant thoughts from her mind, noticing that she was almost to the first stop on her way home. 

She had been alive for a very long time, and one thing that you accumulate through as many lives as she had lived was currency. Among other things of course, other mementos and keepsakes, things that held significant emotional value. She kept a number of magically sealed and well hidden vaults across Thedas, places where she kept things of little value to her emotionally but that would always be worth money should she ever need it.

For the things closer to her heart, she chose to keep them nearer to her. A large safety deposit box in one of the city's major banks. A place where she could always go when she was feeling sentimental, without the danger of damage or loss from keeping them in her home. 

When the cab driver was paid, she walked into the bank with the key around her neck. After being ushered to her box and given some time alone from the bank employee, she gingerly unlocked it and smiled as she set eyes on the contents of her box. 

She couldn't recall the last time she had come to see them, years at least.

She ran her fingers almost reverently over the air above the box, like she was too afraid to touch what laid inside. It was only a handful of items, nothing compared to the collection she had in other places, but in here were the items dearest to her heart that she couldn't bear to keep far away. She slowly picked up a chain from the box, obviously weathered by time, and the stone on the end had seen better days.

She smiled sadly, wishing she had known what happened to the one that Dorian had, twin to her own. She remembered how often the two of them had spoken late in the night, separated by their duties and the vast distance between Skyhold and Tevinter. She imagined it rotting away in some Tevene storeroom somewhere.

Placing the amulet gently back in its place, she smiled and picked up a photo album that had seen better days. The corners were frayed and it was covered in a thick layer of dust, the spine creaked as she opened it. It was full of images of her and her friends with bad hair and worse fashion choices, but it wasn't the item she had come here in search of.

For something that belonged to Solas. 

She placed the album down, and took a deep breath before reaching for a leather pouch in the corner of the box. It had been enchanted to protect it from the wear of time, and she could feel the runes seared into the bottom of the bag with the tips of her fingers. Opening the bag, she reached into it and pulled out an old leather cord, upon which hung the jawbone of a wolf.

 

 

 


	20. In Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana and Solas share a dream of the turning point that changed them both forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone interested, I listen to a playlist on repeat while writing these. 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/hannahbradway/playlist/3mQMv9tES29zYACCZEpz41?si=iYrFH6gnSNSpbdhBlvBqOg
> 
> For all the music that inspires this story (and the titles).
> 
> Oh and also, sorry in advance. :x

_"You didn't have to come you know, Fenris. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."_

_"Yes I am aware, Inquisitor. But if I didn't accompany you and see you enter with my own eyes. No one would believe that you made it inside, and they'd come looking for you. I'd rather keep Hawke from doing something reckless, if it's all the same to you."_

_Ellana looked at her companion, feeling silly for not realizing sooner what he was doing. "Well, that in itself must be a full-time job." She tried to make light of the situation, knowing that their relationship was complicated enough._

_Fenris' only response was to roll his eyes at Ellana before stepping around her to continue down the path. They were nearing their destination, a fortress nestled deep in the forests of Orlais. It felt like it had been years leading up to this moment, to the task that lie ahead of Ellana._

_Persuade Solas, or end his threat to the world by taking his life._

_Ellana hated herself for thinking of it, but she would hate herself even more to stand by and do nothing while the world burned in chaos if Solas succeeded in his goal. She knew that in the end he would regret what he had done, and she would save him from being the most hated villain in Thedas. Even if that meant killing him before he could become it._

_The Evanuris must not return to this world, their time was over. They had caused enough damage to the world and to the People, and to destroy the Veil would mean to release them from their prison. Having magic back, life back to the way it was would never be worth the cost._

_Besides, once they were released and had recovered their power, they would come for Ellana to hurt Solas. She would never belong to an Evanuris again, she would never be used again. She thought she had made that fairly clear when she had killed herself rather than being a pet of Falon'Din._

_"I can make it inside from here Fenris, let the others know that I've gone in." Ellana took a deep breath, dreading the task ahead of her._

_"Are you sure, Inquisitor?" Fenris looked at Ellana with his piercing eyes, judging if she was sure of herself._

_She attempted to smile, "yes, I'll be alright. Make sure you tell everyone-" Ellana stopped to think what she could even say, what if she never returned? "-that I wish them all the best, it's been one hell of a journey together."_

_Fenris nodded to her, "be careful in there, Ellana. If you don't succeed-"_

_She cut him off, irritated. "Thank you for the lovely vote of confidence, Fenris. I know the risks. But this is my responsibility, and I don't take that lightly. I will succeed, one way or another."_

_"I bid you farewell then, and hope for everyone's sake that you return."_

_With that Fenris turned to leave, and Ellana watched for a moment as he made his way back through the forest until he was lost from her view altogether. Ellana couldn't stall anymore, she needed to get inside while there was still time._

_She fade stepped to the gate, waiting for her contact on the inside to unlock it for her. She only had to wait a few moments before she heard a soft click, by the time she opened the gate there was no one there. The Inquisition had only one agent within the ranks of Fen'Harel, and it had been hell to get him there. They lived day by day, hoping and praying to all the gods that may exist to keep him from being discovered as a spy._

_The agent had been their last resort, and many people had sacrificed their lives to make sure his cover was never in question. It had paid off in the end, as he has ensured the wards and spells that protected the fortress would be interrupted for just long enough for Ellana to get to Fen'Harel._

_She stealthily made her way through by cover of the darkness, shrouding herself in magic to dodge passing guards. Her nerves were starting to get the better of her, it had been two years since she had seen him._

_She had felt his presence in the Fade from time to time, and knew that he was watching her from afar, but he had never revealed himself to her. All she could feel from him was sorrow and pain. She wished that she could help him, but he would never accept it._

_He was trying to protect her. Or hide from her like the coward that he was._

_"Foolish man, don't make me do this."_

_She stood outside of the entrance to where she knew he would be, she could feel him even from outside. He had no reason to shield himself here, but she did. He would not feel her coming, she couldn't afford to let him have the upper hand._

_She slowly opened the door to the chamber that lie beyond, softly lit by veilfire and torches. She wandered quietly toward the door at the other side of the chamber, knowing he was just beyond it._

 

* * *

 

 

Ellana was sick of waking up crying, because crying usually meant-

"You didn't want to do it!" An upset voice called out to her in the darkness of her bedroom at three o'clock in the morning. 

She would have been scared out of her bed if she wasn't so used to expecting it after the dreams came. She pulled the blankets over her head with a frustrated sigh.

"I know, Cole. It's alright, It's nothing I haven't seen before and I woke up before the worst of it." She smiled sadly at her spirit friend, knowing that he meant well. In the early days, just after remembering, Cole was the only one she could turn to with questions. 

"Wondering and waiting, he wants to see you again but he is afraid to scare you away. The more he watches the wolf, the more the wolf struggles to be free."

She paused to think about his words, before deciding she didn't want to. "Cole, we'll talk about this later. Go bother Abelas, I'm sleeping."

"Sorrow is here?" Cole wonders aloud, though Ellana knows it's more to himself than to her. 

As soon as he says the words, she was alone again. 

* * *

 

 Solas watched as the dream unfolded before his eyes.

He didn't know when he started being able to tell the difference, to know when he was dreaming and the sensation was... not unpleasant. It was almost like being trapped inside a movie where he was the main character, or the villain of the story he supposed.

 Fen'Harel stood in a well-lit chamber, though he had no idea where it was. The man felt troubled, distressed even, and Solas could hear movement from beyond the door before he saw it open quietly. He knew who it would be before the dark shadow stepped into the light. She glowed in the light of the chamber, and his heart jumped in his chest at the sight of her.

He studied her carefully while she moved closer to Fen'Harel, the two of them speaking in hushed tones. She looked tired, exhausted really, and he wondered if he was the cause. The only other obvious difference was that she was missing her left arm up to the elbow. He had so many questions racing through his mind, but was distracted by the words coming out of his own mouth, though he had no control over them.

_You've exhausted yourself, vhenan."_

_Ellana looked at him then, and he knew that he was staring at her sadly from across the room. The only thing keeping his straining self control from throwing himself at her feet and begging her forgiveness was the desk between them, and the look on her face._

_"Of course I have, and I would do it again if it meant that you would stray from your course."_

_"Vhenan-"_

_She put a hand up, cutting him off before he could plead to her. "No, Fen'Harel. You will call me that no longer, you have had no heart for years. Listen to me, please."_

_That had hurt the God more than he thought was possible, though he couldn't blame her for her anger. He had hidden himself from her for years now, in the Fade and in the physical realm. He had never done that before, in thousands of years. But it was necessary. Necessary for The People, and to keep her safe. How did she not understand that?_

_He nodded at her, anger clear in his eyes but he would let her speak, she deserved that much._

_"You will succeed in bringing down the Veil, but you will bring them back to this world with it."_

_"I have planned for that, Ellana'as. I am not so foolish to think that they would not be waiting to make their escape."_

_She shook her head, frustrated at him. "Then you know why I cannot let you do this? Did you stop to think about what they will do to me when they are free? What the will do to all of those I care about to get me to submit? That is if there are any of them left once you bring it down."_

_He stood in silence, watching her as she continued to speak._

_"Is this how it always will be for us, Fen'Harel? What was it I told you once?" She paused, thinking upon her words. "Even if the price to be paid was rivers of the blood that runs through my veins, you would gladly pay it._ _And so you have, and so you will again. It seems that no matter how many lifetimes pass, that is the one thing that will remain eternal, throughout time."_

 " _Vhenan you will live again!"_

_She stared at him in shock, he was shocked at himself for how callous it sounded but that didn't make it any less true._

_"When you were ripped from me last, it was the worst experience in my very long life, and led me in my anger and my sorrow to make a choice that doomed not just myself but all of our people. But this time, if something were to happen to you, you would rise again. You will rise and be reborn into a world where magic flows freely again, into a world where you can be born yourself again."_

_She started to cry, and he wanted to wipe the tears from her face and wrap her in an embrace that would shield her from the world. He only ever wanted her to be happy, and safe, and with him. But she would not welcome it, not anymore, not in this lifetime. But that didn't mean that he couldn't make the world safe for her next one._

_"I cannot let you do that, vhenan. Please don't make me do this."_

_He cocked his head to the side, "you cannot stop me, Ellana'as. I am sorry, but I would see my mistakes corrected, no matter the cost."_

_"You understand that when I die, when I am born again, that I will remember all of this. My memory will come back, and I will never forgive you for what you've done. Immortal or not, it is not worth it to me. You will destroy the love that we share when you destroy the lives of the ones I care about, and I will hate you for it."_

_"But you will be alive."_

_"Why do you never heed my words, stubborn wolf? I was right before, and I am right now. Is it your pride that prevents you from seeing it or you that blind to everything but the path you have put yourself on?"_

_She was much closer to him now, he could smell her scent -lavender and crystal grace and something else he couldn't place- and feel the warmth from her body._

_When had she moved closer?_

_She cupped his face with her only hand and stared into his eyes, and leaned into her touch having gone without it for so long. Tears streamed down her face without stopping, "let me save you from yourself, vhenan. I can't stand by and watch as you become the most hated man in Thedas. It will destroy me."_

_He opened his mouth to speak, but was unable as Ellana'as rushed forward on the tips of her toes and crushed her mouth to his. Her arm wrapped around his neck as he deepened the kiss, feeling whole for the first time in years. She was the first to pull away after what felt like minutes, and he saw that her tears had not stopped. She rested her forehead on his chest, and let out a shaky breath._

_"I am sorry, vhenan, ar lath ma. Ar lasa mala revas."_

_He looked down at her and knew something was wrong, could feel it in his bones before-_

_sharp pain, blood down his chest, can't cast, can't move what did she do to me?_

Wake up, wake up, wake up! 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vhenan- heart  
> ar lath ma- i love you  
> Ar lasa mala revas- You are free
> 
> Thanks for reading, and putting up with my slow updates!


	21. Preparations

Solas wakes from the horrible dream, his heart racing and his body drenched in sweat. He threw back the covers, pillows and sheets in disarray like he was thrashing around in his sleep. He jumped out of bed and fade-stepped into the bathroom just in time to avoid being sick all over the floor of his bedroom.

He fade-stepped?

He'd never done that before, didn't even know that he could.

After cleaning up, he checked his phone for the time.

5:16 a.m.

He paused briefly, undecided, before dialing the number for Josephine. He'd called her earlier in the morning than this before, and for far less important matters. He waited silently while it rang, she must still be sleeping, before a voice drowsily spoke into his ear. 

"I am sorry to wake you, Josephine, but it's urgent. I need everything that you can find on the Inquisition of the Dragon Age. Books, articles, websites. Anything pertaining to the Inquisitor herself as well, no matter how small or inconsequential it seems."

He felt ridiculous as he spoke the words out loud, he could have just done all this himself, but then again that's what he payed her for, and payed her well.

”Actually, ill also need materials on Elvhen lore as well, I doubt you’ll find anything substantial, but particularly anything you find that focuses on their gods.”

After he was satisfied that Josephine would remember everything he asked for, he ended the call.

Could his suspicions be correct? Surely not.

His dreams were just vivid.

But they were more than that, they felt so real that Solas couldn't fathom that they were anything but. 

 

* * *

 

 

Just after lunchtime, two assistants from his office had dropped off what he had asked of Josephine that morning. Once they had left, Solas sat at his desk to go over it all but was unsure where to even begin. 

It was a larger delivery than he had thought it would be, consisting of a number of different materials.

Research papers from scholars around the world, a number of books that looked like they had seen better days, as well a tablet that Josephine had loaded with copies of books that either no longer had physical copies, or the copies themselves were too rare to get. 

He settled on one of the oldest looking books, detailing the Inquisition. _Inquisition of the Dragon Age: A History_

 It started out by listing what little remains known of the Inquisitor, that she was a mage from a Dalish clan who had healed the tear in the sky and taken down an ancient Tevinter magister, saving all of Thedas. Her various exploits, and accomplishments were many, and everything written of her seemed positive. Reports from the years that came after were spotty, the Inquisition being dissolved after an Exalted Council, the Inquisitor herself had seen to it that her organization would end.

It seemed like a rather abrupt thing to do to Solas, why would you end something you had worked so hard to build without seemingly a second thought?

The last sighting of the Inquisitor herself was barely a year after that, the most famous woman in Thedas had disappeared entirely from view of the world after-

after the death of a man who had always been rumored to be her lover, she had vanished. Strange, indeed.

After he had finished that one, he devoured book after book, a few more about the Inqusition before he moved on to elvhen legends. What little remained of stories of the gods or elvhen religion was nothing concrete, different dalish celebrations or what offerings are best for each deity.

The general idea was that Fen'Harel had tricked the old gods and the new into being locked away forever, he hadn't ever payed much attention to Dalish superstition. Could count all of the dalish elves he'd ever met on one hand, actually. He put down the book he was reading before searching for his phone, which was buried under a mountain of paper.

 He sighed out loud, frustrated that he had somewhere to be. Maybe Varric would just forget he had invited him along to a Satinalia party. 

 Upon unlocking his screen he quickly rid himself of that idea, seeing the number of text messages from the dwarf.

_[V. Tethras][3:16 PM-]_

_This is your four hour warning, Chuckles. I will be there at seven whether you like it or not._

_I promise you'll have fun, or at least more fun than you would sitting in your giant apartment alone tonight._

 

_[4:07 PM-]_

_I'm not gonna take offense to your silence, but you're not getting off that easy._

_I've heard I can be a pretty persistent man_

_In a charming way_

 

_[5:46 PM-]_

_Did I mention Ellana will be there?_

 

_[6:13 PM-]_

_Okay_

_I saved that for last thinking it would get a response, at least_

_You have 45 minutes until an attractive dwarf with great chest hair shows up at your door_

 

 

   Solas shook his head at the number of unread texts, he had always had a bad habit of leaving his ringer off and losing himself in books. He hadn't known Ellana would be at the party, and he'd be lying if he said that didn't make going more worthwhile.

He picked up a small, wrapped box from the shelf he had left it on while debating whether to give it to her yet or not. It would be easy to give this to her tonight, rather than waiting to mail it to her at her home, he would take it with him tonight. 

 

* * *

 

 

   The night had arrived.  
  
Ellana had been dreading this all day, even going so far as to call Hawke to cancel, who in turn called Dorian, who was now in her living room going through her bar.  
  
He and Mahanon had showed up under strict orders from Hawke to force her to the party, on pain of death. So there she was, sitting at her vanity she unpinned her curls and they tumbled down her shoulders, a waterfall of obsidian that reached to the middle of her back.

She slipped into the crimson dress, suddenly all too aware of how much leg one of the slits was showing. She wasn't normally self-conscious, thousands of years of living in the same body kind of kills that feeling. But tonight she couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.  
  
Ellana always listened to her gut, because she was usually right.  
  
Once she was unable to stall any longer she sighed and shuffled into the loft with her shoes in hand, jaw set stubbornly.  
  
"Look at you, my raven-haired elvhen princess!" Dorian said as he sprung up from behind the bar with one of Ellana's good bottles of scotch in hand. "

"I hate you both." She said while rummaging through the room looking for the only bag she had that would go with her dress, and moving over the contents of her current one. "and you, Abelas, for letting them in. Traitor."

She gently placed the small-cloth bag that held the jawbone necklace inside, not wanting to leave it in her apartment. It was too dear to her, and if she was honest with herself, having it with her made her feel better.

She was finally ready to leave, and she looked up to see Mahanon staring at Abelas strangely. "Are both my captors ready to leave now?"

Dorian rolled his eyes at her, " we aren't taking you to prison, we're taking you to a large pretty house where you can look gorgeous and get drunk with your best friend, and meet a nice man that will thoroughly ravish you later."

Mahanon made a face, and covered Dorian's mouth with his hand. "That's quite enough mental imagery for one night, vhenan."

Ellana giggled, and turned to Abelas. " Are you sure I can't convince you to join us, falon?" She asked, already knowing the answer. She couldn't really picture the man at a party, much less enjoying himself at one. 

"I have things I need to do, Ellana'as. But I will be around, should you need me."

"How come he can call you by your full name without you getting irritated at him?" Dorian pouted, and she glared at him.

"Probably because he isn't a traitor, and I can trust him not to kidnap me. You share no such quality, therefore call me Ellana'as and die for it."

As the trio readied to leave Ellana's apartment, Abelas grabbed her shoulder prompting her to turn around. 

"Please be careful tonight, if you sense anything, call."

Ellana smiled at her protective friend, "I will, I promise Abelas. I will be fine, I'll be in a house full of capable individuals. Don't worry about me, please."

"I find that I cannot help it, you have a knack for getting yourself into trouble that doesn't seem to go away with time."

She shook her head and grabbed her coat, saying her goodbyes to the elf before hurrying to catch up with her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was pretty short, but the next one is a monster that I'll probably have to break up into two chapters. Thank you for reading <3


	22. Shots All Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally party time, buckle up guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said previously that I had to separate this out into two parts, but it's actually probably closer to three or four chapters instead. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and I really hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it <3

  
  "Is it too late to hope that Cullen didn't show up?" Ellana mused as they pulled up to Hawke's impressive family estate.

After the death of her mother all of the Hawke family property and accounts were transferred to Lily, as much as she protested. Hawke was not cut out for the life of luxury, and she spent much of her newfound fortune on her friends or various charities around the city. 

Her home was beautiful, a large manor looming over the rest of the upscale neighborhood. With Ellana's help, Hawke had remodeled the majority of the place, finding it much too refined and snobby for her taste. 

"I'm afraid so, I spotted him leaving before we did."

"Wonderful."

She didn't particularly want to run into Cullen, especially in the middle of all of her other friends. Or anywhere near alcohol, where either one of them was liable to say things they didn't mean. With everything going on for her lately she was in no mood for a drunken scene.

After parking Dorian's car and grabbing bags filled with gifts, they made their way up the steps and could already hear the party ahead of them. They walked straight through the door, not bothering to knock, it was doubtful anyone would have heard them anyway. They looked comical, arms full of gift bags and balancing boxes, Ellana tried to search for Hawke but she was nowhere to be found.

"Hello! Lillian said that anyone who showed up with gifts could drop them all by the tree." A voice nearby spoke cheerfully, and Ellana smiled.

"Merril! Creators, it's been ages since I've seen you!" Ellana located the tree, quickly divesting herself of all her bags. She flexed her hands trying to resume bloodflow to her fingers and walked back over to where Merrill was perched on the edge of a couch, giving the woman a hug. 

"I couldn't see you over all the things you were carrying, but I do now and it is nice to see you Ellana." Merrill smiled before hiccupping, obviously a few drinks ahead where Ellana wanted to be. "How are you? And how is your clan? I see Mahanon is here too. His boyfriend is quite lovely, isn't he? I've never seen a mustache quite as nice as that one, do you think only humans can grow them like that?"

 

Ellana blinked before giggling at her friend, "yes, I'm afraid that humans must be the only ones that can grow mustaches as nice as Dorian's, unfortunately for us. Have you seen Lily anywhere, Merr?"

"Oh, I swear she was just here a moment ago. She was quite tipsy already, you know. It's funny the way she keeps staring at Varric the way she does. I don't think she even notices that she's doing it!"

Dorian made a reappearance at Ellana's side, before handing her a drink. "I found our host, she was quite happy to hear that you're here. Peace offering?"

She took a sip of the offered drink, which was of course her favorite, while squinting her eyes at her friend.

"Fine, you're forgiven. Point me in the direction of the mastermind, please."

They navigated through the foyer as best they could which was decorated fabulously for Satinalia, trying to get around people who Ellana had never seen before. She was much like Ellana in the way that she often picked up strays, Varric liked to make fun of them both for it. 

Making their way into the kitchen, they stopped at what was obviously set up to be a bar. Ellana couldn't help but giggle at the sight of Iron Bull and a very tipsy Isabela in the middle of taking shots, while Cole watched happily, perched on the counter top. Was any of Hawke's circle still sober?

"Boss!" Bull roared, and multiple heads turned in her direction at the sound. After quickly downing another shot and removing Isabela from his lap, he made his way to Ellana and swooped her up in a crushing hug. In this life, Bull ran a very successful moving and delivery company. She frequently used them for her work and referred them to everyone she knew. 

"Damn boss, you look great." He gazed at her with his one eye appreciatively. "You seeing anyone right now?"

Dorian rolled his eyes as she smacked him in the chest with the back of her hand, "still not gonna happen, Bull."

"I get that same answer from you and Dorian, one of these days one of you will want to ride the Bull."

As he said that, Mahanon appeared, possessively placing his arm around Dorian's waist and glaring at the qunari. Who only laughed, and turned back to continue flirting with Isabela. They made an oddly good match, she thought. 

"I'm going to search for our host, you boys have fun!" She yelled to Dorian and Mahanon with a wave, before venturing out the glass doors and onto the patio. It wasn't as crowded outside, and Ellana was thankful for the cool weather of the night. It wasn't uncommon for it to still be hot at this time of year, she was glad it wasn't. 

She sipped at her drink as she scanned for her friend, who she found standing near a tree with her sister. 

"There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you."

Lily turned toward her voice, face lit up. "Lana! You came!" She threw her arms around Ellana, narrowly avoiding spilling her drink everywhere.

"Not like I had much of a choice, drunky." She smiled sweetly at the rogue, who pouted at her expression. "I am glad I was dragged out by my traitorous friends, everything looks lovely and people are obviously enjoying themselves."

"Some people are enjoying themselves a bit too much, if you ask me." Bethany muttered from the side. 

Lily just giggled at her sister, "you sound like Fenris- or Anders. I'm not sure which is worse, really. Speaking of-"

"Remember when I said you absolutely cannot ask why?" Ellana cut her off before she could finish her question, she was still covered in the bruises that Anders couldn't heal, but it was nothing that makeup couldn't cover.

"Fine, fine. Anyway, Varric's friend is cute don't you think? In a sort of 'I'm rich and smart and I know it' kind of way."

She raised her eye at Lily, "who?"

Lily pointed toward a cluster of people not too far away, where Varric was standing and obviously entertaining them with some story or another. She looked for who Lily might have been talking about before her brain caught up to her gaze and she noticed that it was Solas.

Her eyes widened, how could she forget that they were friends?

She was caught between wanting him to notice her and running back into the house and doing shots with Bull before he could. Not to mention that Cullen was around somewhere, that wouldn't be a very good combination. 

Why did she let them drag her out. 

"Oh, look at that." She paused to swallow the rest of her drink in several gulps, "my drink is empty, I'll be back Lily."

She rushed into the house, praying to any gods that existed that he hadn't seen her yet. She located Dorian, and pulled him to the kitchen. 

"Carefully, if you please. This is silk." He freed himself from her grasp, and smoothed out his shirt. 

"He's here, Dorian." 

"Who's here?"

"Solas."

 "So why are you dragging me into the kitchen and _not_ dragging him into a bedroom?"

She sighed loudly, "I'm terrified. And way too sober to deal with it yet." 

"I doubt you have anything to be terrified of, you do look quite gorgeous- not as good as I do, but that can't be helped. The second problem, we can fix. But then you are going straight back out where you found him."

He grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around toward the alcohol.

"Fine."

She really was terrified, she hadn't seen him in person since she ran out on him at lunch. They'd obviously spoken numerous times since then, but she still felt guilty over it. Also lots of other emotions that she didn't want to put names to. 

With a drink in hand, she was marched back onto the patio. She looked around for Hawke, but the woman had disappeared again. 

"Freckles!"

She winced, she could hear the amusement in Varric's voice as she looked over at him. The crowd near him had mostly died out in her absence, and he was now surrounded on either side of him by Lily and Solas. 

"I was expecting him to have better fashion sense for all that money he must make. What do you suppose he spends it on?"

"Dorian, shut up."

She didn't care what he thought, really. She thought Solas looked handsome as she always did, he was well-dressed as everyone else here was. She wondered if he knew how much wearing grey brought out the colors of his eyes. 

She took a deep breath, avoiding looking at Solas and drags Dorian with her over to the group. 

"Varric, done keeping the party guest occupied with stories? About Hawke, I hope."

She giggles at how Lily was propped up against Varric, one elbow perched on his shoulder and staring at him openly. She really had no idea she was doing it, and it was adorable. 

"She is one of my two favorite women to tell stories about, though why neither of you like it I'll never understand."

She shakes her head and looks at Solas, who is staring back at her already with a look that she's familiar with and terrified of but decides to ignore for now, plastering a fake smile on her face she speaks to him.

"Solas, hello. I had no idea you would get dragged to this as well."

He smiles at her, and her insides turn to jelly. Why did she think alcohol was the best idea? 

"You look lovely, Ellana. It is nice to see you again, and yes, I was dragged here by Master Tethras."

She glared at the dwarf, who was pointedly not looking at her and making himself busy by helping Hawke to keep her balance.  

 "It's been a few days since we have spoken. Have you been alright?"

She stared up at him, taking a sip of her already half-empty drink to buy her self time. What could she say to that?

_Yes I've been wonderful, spent some time digging through painful memories, spying on your dreams, half-dead from mana exhaustion and visited a wanted mage for healing. How have you been?_

"Busy with work, mostly. Satinalia shopping here and there, thought that's done with now." Came out lamely instead, "and helping out with the party where I could. How have you been, Solas?"

"Much of the same, work occupies the majority of my time. Though I admit I have been spending some of my free moments researching the past."

"The past?"

That can't bode well for her, though she should have suspected his first idea would be to dive headfirst into books that might explain the things he's dreaming about. 

"I find myself quite interested in history at present. Possibly due to the vividness of the dreams I've been having lately."

"Still?"

He nodded, "I tried to call you a few days ago, to discuss my more recent ones. A very irritated sounding man told me you were indisposed, so I left you alone."

_Abelas._

She chuckled nervously, "Oh, my assistant. What he lacks in people skills he does make up in his ability to manage me and my lack of time-management. I'm sorry though, he did tell me that you'd called but between deadlines and being Lily's errand girl I must have forgotten."

"it's quite alright, I understand devoting yourself to your work and I've seen firsthand how talented you are. Would you like another drink?"

She looked down to see that her cup was empty, and that somewhere in their conversation Hawke and Varric had disappeared.

She really should stop drinking so fast.

Nodding her head, she started for the kitchen and he kept pace beside her. The bar area was less crowded than before, everyone moving to the foyer where she could hear the beginnings of terrible karaoke. She was thankful for her more embarrassing friends being nowhere to be found.

"That dress becomes you, da'len. Red is a beautiful color on you."

She felt herself blush at his words, remembering how reticent she had been to leave her apartment in it. She had almost changed several times, but she was glad that she hadn't now.

"Thank you, though you can stop calling me da'len whenever you like. I'm older than I look."

He chuckled at that, she loved the sound of his voice. His laugh was making her feel all warm and fuzzy and she couldn't help but smile at him fondly. 

"I must admit, when your assistant answered your phone I had assumed that he was your boyfriend. He didn't seem thrilled about a man calling you in the middle of the night."

She rolled her eyes at his words, "Abelas isn't usually thrilled to talk to anyone, and that includes me, but no. I don't date very often, anymore."

"And if _someone_ wanted to ask you to dinner, would you say no?"

She noticed how close together they were then, as he handed her another drink and she could feel his warmth. She inhaled deeply, taking the cup and grazing his hand with her own. She shouldn't be so affected by his presence, but the alcohol combined with the scent of him and the closeness to each other made her feel bold. 

"Even if I have a history of leaving _someone_  in the middle of a meal?" She looked up into his eyes, worrying at the edge of her cup. 

He smiled at her then, with too much affection for someone who didn't remember and who she'd been so hot and cold with. She didn't deserve any of it, but she didn't care.

"Would I be in danger of that happening again?" He cocked his head to the side and she almost reached out and cupped his face in her hand just to feel his skin beneath hers, she took a deep breath instead. 

"Never, Solas." she spoke seriously and stepped even closer, which didn't seem like it could be possible. "I don't think anything could make me leave you again."

He noticed the seriousness of her words, and the intention behind them. He had opened his mouth to speak when they were interrupted by a throat clearing behind them. 

Ellana turned around, irritated and intent on staring daggers at whoever had interrupted a moment she'd wanted for so long. 

"Hello Ellana, introduce me to your friend?" 

 


	23. So Close, Yet So Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the party.

She had been so close. 

So, _so_ close to letting herself go and just _feeling_ things again. But he had ruined it, the moment _and_ her buzz. Ruined it like everything in her life always ended up ruined, anytime she had started to feel happy. 

Stupid. Cullen. Rutherford.

She whirled around, a faint blush across her cheekbones and anger in her eyes. There cullen stood with a beer in hand and his back against the wall of the kitchen, to the side of him stood a nervous looking blonde that she'd met once before but couldn't remember her name.

Carina? Clarissa? Caroline?

She supposed it didn't matter much what her name was, as she didn't look very happy at the moment. 

"Cullen, I didn't realize that you'd be here." She lied, before taking a shot at the woman's name. "Caroline, it's nice to see you again."

The woman smiled at her, and Ellana was relieved to have gotten it right. Caroline seemed friendly enough, and it wasn't her fault that Cullen had stepped all over her mood. 

Cullen took a swig of his nearly empty beer, eyes shifting slowly between Ellana and Solas, who had cleared his throat softly from where he stood behind Ellana. Then she remembered how close they were standing together, she could feel the warmth of him behind her and it made her feel happy and _whole._

"Oh, how silly of me." She laughed nervously and took just one step forward and away from Solas' body, no matter how much her own had protested the movement. "This is my _friend_ , Solas. Solas, this is Cullen, my neighbor."

Cullen scoffed at her, she could tell he wasn't only on his first beer of the night. She smiled at him sharply, willing him to play nice.

 "We're just neighbors now, but we used to be _friends_ too." He put just a little bit too much emphasis on the word, and his eyes raked down her body, too slowly and too- she didn't care, she just wanted to throttle him. 

 “Yes, well-“, Ellana started, feeling awkward and exposed and wanting to end this conversation before it got any worse. “You’ve been introduced, enjoy the party.”

”It was nice to see you again, Ellana.” Caroline smiled, and Ellana felt a little bad that she had to be caught in the middle of whatever this was. As she turned back to Solas, desperate to lead him somewhere- _anywhere_ else in the large manor, the voice that again spoke behind her made her pause. 

 "Trying to get rid of us so soon? What's the rush?" Cullen said, and she turned her head back to look at him as she grit her teeth and tried not to lose her temper. 

She narrowed her eyes as she looked at Cullen, "I'm not trying to get rid of Caroline, she seems lovely. But I will talk to you later Cullen, when you are sober. As much fun as you are to speak to when you're like this, we are going back outside."

She tightly smiled, again turning to the still-silent Solas behind her. The look on his face was unreadable, not angry or confused, just unreadable to her. 

"We aren't finished here, Lana." This time, he did reach out and grab her by the forearm.

By the time she had whirled around, ready to snarl at him and free herself from his grasp, Solas had stepped forward and grabbed Cullen's arm. He wrenched the man's grip from Ellana's arm like he was nothing, and had done it quicker than her mind had been able to keep up with. 

When had he gotten between her and Cullen?

She blinked and took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down. She glanced between Cullen and Solas, the former blinked and stared at her dumbly. Solas hadn't taken his eyes off of Cullen, -or she assumed so at least, she couldn't see his face- and she noticed the air around them had gone still, almost cold. 

She had felt that before. 

It was a lesser version of it, surely, but the feeling was entirely too familiar. The feeling from ages past, when the mask between Evanuris and man slipped, when he couldn't keep his mood or his power from seeping into the air around him. Ellana's eyes flickered to where he stood between them, but she could still only see the back of his head. 

"I believe Ellana said that we were done here, do not grab her again." He said, far too cold and quietly. 

She didn't need to see his face to know that this could go very badly in a matter of moments if she didn't do something. 

She wasn't stupid enough to get between the drunk Templar and the angry ancient mage, who also didn't _know_ how ancient he was, but she stepped out from behind Solas' body and moved to the side of them both. She tilted her head up to look at Solas, who's eyes didn't break away from where he was indeed staring death at Cullen, and didn't so much as glance in her direction. 

She realized that the party had gone quiet around them, and she didn't have to turn around to know that they had drawn an audience. Either from the change in temperature, or from looks at the two tall, angry men standing in the middle of the kitchen. 

She tilted her head up to look at Solas, who didn't so much as blink as he stared the other man down. 

"Solas?" She said softly, wishing she could reach up and touch his face. "I think you can let go of him now."

He blinked and shifted his eyes down to hers, she gave him a small smile. That quietly powerful darkness slowly left his face as he looked at her, and she could feel it in the air as he reigned in his emotions. He let go of Cullen's arm, and the other man stumbled backwards with rage covering his features. 

Ellana watched as Caroline tried to soothe him, but it only served to make Cullen more angry and he turned his attention back to Solas and herself. 

"I wouldn't get too attached to her, Solas." Cullen spit with cold fury in his eyes, "it won't be long before she decides she's bored of fucking _you_ and moves on to someone else."

Every word hit her deeply, like a knife cutting into her skin. She could feel her eyes start to burn with unshed tears, out of anger or sadness she wasn't sure. Probably both. She didn't know why she cared so much about what he thought of her, especially in this moment. She knew it was mostly the alcohol in his system making him speak that way about her, but it was also her fault. 

She shouldn't have used him the way she did, she cared about him, but it would never be love. Not love in the way that she had always, and would always love Solas. Solas, who was standing in front of her again looking like he could murder Cullen with a thought. 

Before he could respond to what Cullen had just said to him, she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. He froze at the contact, and relaxed his posture slightly. When he looked back at her, he must have noticed the tears in her eyes, and turned to face her fully. He opened his mouth to say something, but something or someone behind her caught his attention and he paused. 

"Cullen, please leave my home." A quiet, lilting voice spoke from behind her. "Before I get upset, and have to throw you out."

She hadn't known Lily was around to witness what had happened, she assumed her friend had escaped somewhere with Varric. 

Ellana turned to her Lily, and was stopped in her tracks at calm anger she could see and almost feel emanating from the woman. Not directed at her, but at Cullen.

Varric stood casually off to the side of Lily, against the wall and waiting to see how everything played out before he got involved. 

Cullen scoffed in her direction, but was smart enough not to risk bodily harm by insulting Ellana again. He turned to a ghostly pale Caroline, looking surprised that she was still there, before walking past her and through the quiet crowd beyond. Only after they heard the door slam, did everyone visibly relax. 

Ellana's shoulders slumped, and she felt an arm thrown around her shoulder. She looked to see Lily smile at her sympathetically, "so... another drink? Or do you want to go outside? We can leave the boys in here to amuse themselves for a while."

Ellana looked over her shoulder to see that Varric had ushered Solas to a quiet part of the room and was speaking with him quietly. 

She let out a deep and shuddering breath, the tension and adrenaline slowly leaving her system now that the party had gone back to it's previous merriment, and Cullen was gone. 

"I wouldn't say no to another drink, or several." She smiled at Lily, who still hadn't let her go. " and fresh air sounds nice as well."

Lily only nodded to her once before nudging her to the patio while she went back inside, probably to speak to Varric and Solas before making her a drink. Ellana leaned forward against the cold iron of the fence that separated part of the patio from the rest of the very large garden that made up most of Hawke's backyard. 

She focused on the chill of the air and the cloudless, inky black of the star-studded sky above her. From here she could see the faded scar of what was once the Breach, a section of sky she usually avoided looking at. She hated seeing it, hated the memories it brought forth.

She stared at intently, studying the line of it and how the sickly green remnants swirled and eddied into the sky around it.  The biggest reminder of an age she wished she could forget. Her intense focus on it made her palm tingle and itch, as if part of her body still remembered the pain and the power, as if it still lingered somewhere under her skin. 

"Strange, is it not?"

She startled slightly at the voice that sprang out of the silence, even as quiet and scholarly as he sounded.

She didn't look at him as he made his way to her left side, didn't focus on how she could feel his warmth so near her skin. She certainly didn't want to inch closer and closer, to close the small gap between them and lose herself in the warmth of him. 

"What's strange?" She asked, without looking at him. Keeping her focus on the sky above, on anything but him. 

She saw him nod toward the Breach from the corner of her eye, "how small it seems, the only mark left on this world as a reminder of it's violent past."

_Our violent past,_  she thought to herself but remained silent as she continued to stare down at her left hand. 

After seconds of silence he continued, but he was no longer looking out at the sky. "Are you alright, Ellana? What he said to you-"

She cut him off, stating softly and simply, "I deserved it."

A hand grasped her chin then, tilting her head up and away from her hand and into the stormy eyes of the man she loved. 

"No one deserves to be spoken to like they are worth nothing, least of all you."

Her heart skipped a beat, and she blinked. "Solas, you barely know me. How could you know what I deserve for the things I've done?"

He stared at her for a moment, before releasing her chin and sighing. 

"We may have not known each other for very long, Ellana. But when he grabbed you, it was as if I was not myself any longer. I reacted without a thought, seeing him touch you.."

He trailed off, and she waited. 

"I cannot explain it. Why being in your presence triggers the most vivid dreams I've ever had, or how seeing another man's hands on your body drove me to an almost primal sort of fury."

She flushed, but still said nothing. Though her entire body practically screamed _tell him tell him tell him._

"I could have killed him for it, without even truly knowing why. I am not a man usually driven to extreme emotions, I'm unsure if I've ever felt that way before. It's a strange thing to feel as if I know you, or have known you before. It's unsettling."

"I know."

"Do you-"

"Yes, Solas. I feel it too."

_coward coward coward._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3


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